For decades, or maybe centuries, toys have been alive and, as far as the movies tell us, they mean no harm to children (unless you're a dick kid like Sid). Apparently, in the Toy Story universe, whatever magic (or whatever you want to call it) gives the toys life also makes them unable to mistreat children. The overall message of the movie, and of the series as a whole, really, is that toys are pure unconditional love. They don't care who you are, they just want to play. If you respect them, they'll respect you. For a very long time they've respected us, and now they want some respect in return.

Ralph's efforts to spread good vibes are thwarted by these console assholes who try to convince everyone that the world just isn't a happy place.

Caught in the middle is Calhoun, Jane Lynch's Call of Duty/Halo-inspired character. Her best friends are arcade characters, but she comes from a long line of angsty, violent console game characters. She is the conduit by which Ralph can reach the console characters, with whom she feels a kinship. Which side will she take in this ideological war between happy-go-lucky old-school video game peaceniks and people who think bathing in an enemy's blood is the same as actually bathing? Can these console "heroes" who want everyone to be as sad and angry as they are, who fully believe they are the future of video games, undo all the work Ralph has done to better himself? Will he be forced to become violent again? Will he abandon his newfound principles and use his giant fuck-off hands to smash Kratos' skull or smack the shit out of Nathan Drake's smarmy face? The movie would be one big therapy session. Ralph thought his problems were bad, but HOLY SHIT -- console heroes are horrible people. Can he save them?

Surviving repeated home invasions as a child turned Kevin into a massively paranoid and deranged adult. He's like those people in real life who buy bullet-proof couches that double as weapons caches, but with a lot more money.

Kevin is a wildly successful home security expert, because of course he is. He's developed cutting-edge security systems for the average home, major corporations, and the U.S. government, but he's just as famous for being the world's richest shut-in, like Howard Hughes with less piss jars. There isn't even a general consensus as to where he lives most of the time. He owns multiple homes across the globe and never stays in any of them for too long, but they're all heavily fortified bunkers. He's a ghost to the world, which would make Macaulay Culkin's natural ghostly pallor perfect to play a man who hasn't seen much sun in a couple of decades.

Dominique Charriau / WireImage / Getty
"Boo."

The idiot thieves think they're going to have to deal with a guard dog or two, maybe a security keypad next to the front door. But in the tradition of Home Alone, the place is loaded with insane, often deadly traps. I'm not clever enough to give you some good examples of some of the traps. My ideas begin and end with a crook opening a closet and getting blown to shit by a cannon. So just assume all the traps are better than a string attached to a doorknob that pulls the trigger on a cannon, because I think cannons have triggers.

This movie is what all slasher movie series end up being by the fifth sequel: a movie where we root for the murderer. The intruders get picked off one by one as McCallister operates the death traps like he's a world-class concert pianist from his control center off in a far-off corner of the compound and we all laugh at the dumb people getting ripped apart by explosive closets.

It's been three decades since their adventure to find One-Eyed Willie's treasure. The Goonies gang converges back in Astoria, Oregon, on the 30th anniversary of their adventure. They're being honored with a parade and a festival for saving their town. Mikey is a museum curator in Astoria. Data works at one of those patent companies you see on late night TV. Mouth is a shitty late night radio DJ. Brand and Andy were married, now divorced. And Stef ... well, there wasn't really much in the original movie to build off of, so let's say she sells hand-made artisanal doorstops on Etsy. But none have been hit harder than Chunk. Sloth, his best friend in the world, died a few years before, and he's been a wreck ever since.

Warner Bros.
Dead?! No! He didn't look sick.

Mikey hated seeing all his friends live unfulfilling, unhappy lives, so he prepared a surprise for the 30th anniversary. He's been researching, charting maps, and questioning fellow historians about the tale of, let's say, infamous pirate and explorer the Notorious Richard Head and the loot he stashed away off the coast of Oregon. Or maybe something about Sir Francis Drake, who is rumored to have spent some time in Oregon in the late 1500s. Mikey presents everyone with his findings and proposes another adventure. They all think he's crazy ... except for Chunk. Sloth would say yes to another adventure, so he's saying yes. This time, instead of Mikey giving a rousing "It's our time down here!" speech to convince the group, a speech with the same sentiment is delivered by Chunk. Chunk was the butt of the jokes in the first movie; 30 years later, he's ready to be the hero.

Warner Bros.
Basically the opposite of this.

We need a villain, so let's bring in someone a little like Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark -- a rival historian and bookworm who has devoted his life to finding the fabled treasure of the Notorious Richard Head, but more than that, has always wanted his own Goonies-style adventure, and he feels Mikey is greedily snatching away his best opportunity.

And with that, they're off -- a group of adults whose best years are decades behind them trying to recapture some of the magic of youth. It's the ultimate tale of a midlife crisis. Instead of buying expensive cars or having affairs, they try to inject childlike wonder back into their adult lives.

It's kind of like this article, really. What a bummer. Here's a video of a cute cat ...

Luis is busy combining the fun of Homeward Bound with the euthanasia of Million Dollar Baby. When he's not depressifying your childhood, he can be found on Twitter and Tumblr.

Always on the go but can't get enough of those sweet, sweet dick jokes? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

As 2013 draws to a close, be sure to check out Cracked's year in review because, well, we know you don't remember it half as well as you think.

Are you a fan of money, everlasting glory, but really just money? We want to give you that! (Particularly the money part.) Enter as many designs as you want into our T-shirt contest and you might just win $500.