It's been three decades since their adventure to find One-Eyed Willie's treasure. The Goonies gang converges back in Astoria, Oregon, on the 30th anniversary of their adventure. They're being honored with a parade and a festival for saving their town. Mikey is a museum curator in Astoria. Data works at one of those patent companies you see on late night TV. Mouth is a shitty late night radio DJ. Brand and Andy were married, now divorced. And Stef ... well, there wasn't really much in the original movie to build off of, so let's say she sells hand-made artisanal doorstops on Etsy. But none have been hit harder than Chunk. Sloth, his best friend in the world, died a few years before, and he's been a wreck ever since.
Dead?! No! He didn't look sick.
Mikey hated seeing all his friends live unfulfilling, unhappy lives, so he prepared a surprise for the 30th anniversary. He's been researching, charting maps, and questioning fellow historians about the tale of, let's say, infamous pirate and explorer the Notorious Richard Head and the loot he stashed away off the coast of Oregon. Or maybe something about Sir Francis Drake, who is rumored to have spent some time in Oregon in the late 1500s. Mikey presents everyone with his findings and proposes another adventure. They all think he's crazy ... except for Chunk. Sloth would say yes to another adventure, so he's saying yes. This time, instead of Mikey giving a rousing "It's our time down here!" speech to convince the group, a speech with the same sentiment is delivered by Chunk. Chunk was the butt of the jokes in the first movie; 30 years later, he's ready to be the hero.
Basically the opposite of this.
We need a villain, so let's bring in someone a little like Belloq from Raiders of the Lost Ark -- a rival historian and bookworm who has devoted his life to finding the fabled treasure of the Notorious Richard Head, but more than that, has always wanted his own Goonies-style adventure, and he feels Mikey is greedily snatching away his best opportunity.
And with that, they're off -- a group of adults whose best years are decades behind them trying to recapture some of the magic of youth. It's the ultimate tale of a midlife crisis. Instead of buying expensive cars or having affairs, they try to inject childlike wonder back into their adult lives.
It's kind of like this article, really. What a bummer. Here's a video of a cute cat ...
Luis is busy combining the fun of Homeward Bound with the euthanasia of Million Dollar Baby. When he's not depressifying your childhood, he can be found on Twitter and Tumblr.
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