A monkey cooking you dinner is like being hugged by Sasquatch or a talking parrot rattling off an entire, unheard standup comedy routine for you every time you come home from work. It's phenomenal in every way. Plus they feed you after they cook it, which is typically the kind of shit only people who have Roman emperor fantasies get to experience, so you're still Caligula! Put that steak down and kick Bobby Flay's ass out. Or invite him over to give the monkey lessons.
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As great as it would be to watch a monkey make you some Hot Pockets, you need to be aware of the nature of monkey. And even though people spend $38,000 and years to train these monkeys, you can take the monkey out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the monkey. And that means butt play. Monkeys are as fascinated with asses as I am, but generally they're more into their own asses than other people's. They have adorable little monkey diapers on, but who do you think puts those diapers on? The monkeys do! I mean, they have to, right?
Arguably all day long those monkeys are playing with their bungholes when they're not busy feeding you snacks and making sure you don't fall down stairs or get sucked into the vacuum. That, in turn, means easily twice as much fecal matter in your Hot Pocket as the factory allows. Plus, what's stopping him from putting those little monkey poo fingers in your mouth every time he feeds you a grape? Not you, you can't even move. All you can do is sputter shit-grape matter onto your own chest while the monkey cocks his head to one side, scoops it up in his poo hand and forces it back into your mouth. Boom, double poo.
Pro: Long-Lasting Friendship