Is that drawn in mustard and ketchup? IT IS!
For $30, you get the super-coveted memento pack. What's in it? Two randomly chosen mementos from my life, and a story about how they made me the man I am today that may or may not be true. What sorts of mementos might they be? Look here!
Lube, anime, and a toothbrush chewed by a dog? Among other things?!?
For $50, not only will I write a 2,000-word story, but I'll also print it, sign it, and mail it to you. To your house!
For $75, you get the Felix Clay Surprise Pack. I can't tell you what's in it, or else the word "surprise" would be pointless. Suffice it to say that it's a magnificent risk that is guaranteed to be awesome.
$100 will get you your very own Cracked-style article on a topic of your choosing (so long as I don't find the topic too insane, awful, or obtuse). I may research it poorly, but I'll still write it, and it'll be one of a kind and all yours.
After $100 is when things get salty. $250 gets you that Cracked-style article, printed up pretty, all display quality and signed by me for your enjoyment.
$1,000 may be an insane amount of money, but I offer an insane perk. Your name will be tattooed on me. Literally. A fully real, permanent, rest-of-my-natural-life tattoo on my flesh.
$5,000 is way over the top, so I have to up the ante. See those Tyrannocopters in my column header? You get to be tattooed, as a Tyrannocopter pilot, right on my flesh. Again, this is 100 percent real, no-joke stuff. I know a guy who will give me a deal on these tattoos because he thinks it's funny.
And the big one, the most insane thing of all: If someone can pony up $20,000, I will get their portrait tattooed on my back. Like a giant, full-back tattoo. The whole thing will be recorded and photographed as proof that it's real. I'm not playing here.
Whatever happens, I'm still writing comedy, and still appreciating the people willing to help me beyond words. I do what I do because I love it. I like making people laugh, and maybe being a bright spot in your day. That's not changing any time soon.
Debt collectors will hound you wherever you go. Heck, they'll attack you on social media. See what else they'll do in 5 Disturbing New Ways Debt Collectors Are Getting Your Money. And for more reasons why when it rains, YOU are poor (see what we did there?) check out 4 Legal Loopholes That Screw You When You're Poor.
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