4 Perverted Behaviors You Won't Believe Animals Exhibit Too

By now you know my feelings about monkeys, and if you don't then you better recognize. Or just go read that monkey article. There's a picture of a monkey driving a car with a lady, oh shit, it's the best. Anyway, this story really encapsulates what's great about monkeys and also why they will never truly rise up Planet of the Apes-style to overtake us. They're smart, but smart like compared to turnips and Kardashians and shit like that.

It turns out that monkeys, like all normal people, want to look at celebrities and sweet, sexy asses. So much so that when presented with images of high-status members of their social groups and the delectable heineys of their lady friends, they were willing to give up treats (in this case it was juice, and you know how slammin' juice is) to see those big ol' red turd cutters and the faces of their social betters. On the other hand, if they were going to look at social losers, they required more juice to get their interest.

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"Mom?"

In people terms, this means that monkeys, Sir Mix-A-Lot, and I are interested in big butts, but also celebrity culture. We are more interested in those things than looking at a Facebook friend's pictures of their trip to the podiatrist.

The knowledge that monkeys are willing to give up juice for ass indicates that they are a pretty sophisticated lot on the one hand, but also that they're years behind us intellectually, because dude, monkey, you can see so much free ass on the Internet. I'm up to my nuts in juice over here and I have a window full of nothing but monkey asses and I have to tell you, it's a pretty good day.

Also, if you're worried that maybe taxpayer money is being wasted on researching how much monkeys are willing to pay to scope out some asses, don't be -- this may have implications in understanding why autistic people have issues looking at other people and creating some kind of ass matrix that would allow Rain Man to make eye contact with everyone all the time.

Pandas are nature's adorably lazy sacks of unmotivated crap. If your roommate lived the life of a panda, you'd smother him with his own feces-stained pillow in his sleep, and you'd have plenty of opportunity, since he'd be sleeping about 10 hours a day. Do you know what they do the other 14 hours? They eat. That's literally a panda's whole life -- eating and sleeping. And they multitask by shitting up to 40 times during that day. They even shit while they sleep, because who has time to wake up and force that thing out? That panda costume at the top of this entry looks less erotic now, doesn't it?

Now that we're familiar with the hilarious lifestyle of pandas, let's get to the porn. You like porn, right? Or tasteful faprotica, as we call it in the Hamptons? So do pandas. As everyone knows, pandas are fickle, silly-ass beasts who can't be bothered to hump most of the time because it gets in the way of all the chewing and pooping that so consumes them. In order to try to motivate them toward waving half a chub in the general direction of a lady panda, zookeepers have taken to showing male pandas the sights and sounds of sexy panda humptivities. How does that work? Allow me to storyboard.

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As you can see, I'm pretty erotic. If this wasn't all tragic enough, pandas also engage in exercises to strengthen their legs and stamina for the big show, because when you mate for literally 30 seconds, other species become embarrassed on your behalf. Also, they are allowed to partake in threesomes, so the young guns get a firsthand look at the action, providing they don't blink or get distracted by something that lasts for about 30 seconds and takes place in the other direction. All of this basically means that zookeepers are also pervs, but successful at making pandas get their fuzzy black-and-white freak on, so that's something.

In the future, we can only hope zookeepers will get the idea to tape a picture of some real good-looking bamboo on the back of a lady panda's head and trick the male into trying to climb over her to get to it, but science moves slowly, so we'll have to wait and see how that one works out. Rumor has it that's how Kanye and Kim did it, only he used a picture of himself. That's some gossip, tell a friend.

Sea lions are pretty slutty fellas when it comes to their sexual proclivities; not that there's anything wrong with that most times. You just need to be safe and reasonable. Unfortunately for the sea lions, they're just not reasonable or safe in their sea boning activities.

In the world of sea lions, only one man can be king, and he rules over a harem. Imagine the bull sea lion as Matthew McConaughey and all the sea lion ladies as your single, kind of desperate aunt and her zinfandel-sipping divorcee friends. He's all cool on the beach, just basking in the sun and being charming, doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, and they are down with it, because while they like to imagine themselves as empowered Sex and the City characters, the fact is that show sucked terribly, no one in real life likes people like that, and they haven't had their goodies touched by anyone who respects them in a dog's age. And what of the other sea lion dudes? They watch.

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"Mmm, yeah. You can smell the stank from here."

When it comes time to mate, McConaughey Sea Lion will take the ladies one at a time, because he's suave like that, sometimes for up to an hour each, while the other dudes stand a little ways down the beach and just watch and let their tears stain their sticky, lonely, fish-stanky flippers. And while it's all well and good that sea lions are happy to exist in a society of virginal voyeurs watching the local fat-neck stud plow all the ladyfolk like great fields of barking soybeans, it's no walk in the park for the bull, either.

Mike the Sea Lion was the stud at an animal park in Nuremberg, Germany, famous for its trials and sea lion sex retreats, when he managed to hump off this mortal coil with his sea lion harem back in 2009. Having already fathered 12 offspring, Mike was busy doing his conjugal duty to that booty when he collapsed and had to be taken back to shore by glove-wearing, slightly ashamed zoo workers. A vet checked him out, but sadly, Mike succumbed to heart failure, probably at least somewhat happy that he didn't go out choking on a mackerel like so many of his kinfolk.

While Mike is a famous example, it's not even uncommon for males to hump to the point of no return, as they will stop eating entirely during mating season just so they don't have to cut back on the action, and possibly also to further shame those lazy-ass pandas. The result is that, every so often, a bull who should have stopped to have an Ensure or at least some Ritz Bits goes for one final wild ride and then drops like an overacting senior citizen in a LifeCall commercial.

We started this adventure with monkeys, and we're going to end it with monkeys, because damn it, this is an article about pervert animals, and no shitty camel is going to trump hump a monkey. Not on my watch.

In the world of macaques, vocalizations are an important part of sex. Female macaques have a hooting, yelling good time when they're going to town, and God bless 'em, everyone loves a hooter. But because science takes a day off every once in a while, researchers at a German primate center decided to look into the meaning behind all the ruckus. Were the ladies just having a good time? Shouting instructions? Working on the family budget? Better bust out the pocket protectors and microscopes, because this is some hardcore Bill Nye shit.

As it happens, just as with Uncle Gord, male macaques can't get off unless their partner is shrieking. When females are re-enacting an ICP performance, males will get to the finish line 59 percent of the time. Doesn't seem super admirable until you compare it with what happens when the ladies stay silent. When they make no sound, males finish the deed less than 2 percent of the time.

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Once you go macaque, you'll be lovin' on that sack!

Aside from closing the deal, researchers also noted that when the females scream, thrusting increases, which is the best sentence about monkeys you'll ever read. Male monkeys launch into full-on piston mode when their partners get boisterous. So like us.

It's possible this kind of hootin' and hollerin' isn't actually monkey dirty talk and that male macaques are just all fans of humiliation and like being yelled at, but it's a lot funnier when you imagine it's more like a cheerleading routine and the males can't get into it unless they're being told that they're way better than all the other monkeys in the forest and that clearly their monkey dong is the most dongtastical of them all and that no, she is not going to go hump seven more monkeys before the end of the day. Even though she is, because that's kind of what monkeys do. But he doesn't need to know that.