On the one hand, this all sounds progressive and liberating. Let's be honest, Star Trek was a thinly-veiled metaphor for social issues pretty much every episode, so Kirk banging aliens is a lot like a racial harmony kind of message, which is nice. But then he almost log-jammed this atrocity:
CBS Television Distribution
"Eh ... Your mouth is kind of interesting ..."
Yeah, it was disguised as a hot chick for a while, but that salt vampire came pretty close to turning Kirk into a snack food treat, and it looks like half a loaf of dog shit fucked an octopus and got caught in a fishnet. What's this to teach a young, would-be space explorers in search of booty? That Kirk's sense of dignity got lost in a Jefferies Tube somewhere around Tau Ceti Prime, and a willingness to hump anything in space can come back to bite you, or at least drain all your salt.
Smurfette was never, in my experience, presented as sexual. Please don't think I'm a horrible person. I mean, I am, but please don't think I'm horrible for this reason. I don't sit around and ponder cartoon sexuality all that often. But, and you can't fault me for this, I did realize as a child the curious dynamic presented in the Smurf village by the existence of a single female Smurf.
La La La-La La-La
we're blue as our balls
Now, if I were the kind of person who looked up cartoon history, I'd maybe look into how the show accounted for the existence of Smurfs. I imagine it was magic or a centaur jizzing on mushrooms that gave birth to the whole lot of them. But as a child, you see a town, you see one lady only, and you start answering the unasked questions presented to you. And to me, Smurfette must have been taken for more rides than a New York subway. There was even a baby added to the show at one point to hammer this home -- Smurfette was a pork machine.
Again, never was this relevant to the program. Never do I remember Azrael and Gargamel stumbling upon Smurf village intent on capturing them all, only to lift up a toadstool cap and see Brainy, Hefty, and Vanity running a train on her platinum blonde clam shell, but it was implied. At least to me it was, anyway. Everyone must have been throwing shots into her, and desperately. She was the only woman alive -- their entire race depended on the efficacy of her womb.
Basically the same thing was going on inside her uterus.
How does a child's psyche deal with the idea of a gang bang queen before the knowledge of such things existing is ever presented to them? Your basic understanding is "mommy loves daddy," more or less, and a then few children are born and they coolly ignore each other for the remainder of their marriage. It's not that mommy loves literally the entire town. Usually. Probably. Is it? Give me your mom's number.
For more from Felix, check out 4 Sex Lies Everyone Needs to Stop Telling and 4 Things Kids Never Learn (Because Parents Teach Them Badly).
Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.