Studio executives have a simple formula for R-rated movies. If an R-rated movie is good, wouldn't it be better if 13-years-olds could pay to see it too? And therefore make several million dollars more? This theory pans out at the box office where PG tends to rake in more cash than R, which means we'll sacrifice story quality for fuzzy good-time feelings if it means a studio executive can add a second floor to his yacht.

20th Century Fox
"Kids these days won't even know what a 'motherfucker' is, Bruce."

Now, this isn't to say PG-13 movies suck. You can make a decent PG-13 horror or action movie; a good script is a good script regardless of excess gore and sex and swearing, but taking a good script that's maybe about horrible things, like gore and death and madness, and trying to make it cool for eighth-graders, that's maybe a problem.

Despite the fact that the only people who don't know Spider-Man was bitten by a radioactive spider are also people who don't have access to clean water, housing, vaccines, or walls that prevent cheetahs from eating them, Hollywood will insist on telling us how Parker got those powers over and over again. If Sony can't think of another movie to make so they don't lose the rights to the property, they will reboot it again, just like they did last time, so they don't lose the cash cow that is The Amazing Spider-Man. And they will just make the same movie again, as if you could care.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
"This is the cinematic equivalent of a hate-fuck."

Every film franchise is pretty much marred by origin stories now. No one wants them. The sequels to superhero movies are inexplicably better than the originals because we're not hampered by all the exposition and back story everyone already knows. By the time we get a sequel, we just get to have fun with the characters we came to see, and that's the movie everyone wants.

Probably the best remake in recent history was J.J. Abrams' Star Trek, because it took the time to explicitly let you know that the old Star Trek you are familiar with just got time-porked into oblivion and we're now living in a whole new reality. So don't expect everything to be the same; we're going to make it not the same for shits and giggles. So now Spock and his haircut can get nasty with Uhura and Scotty can have a space midget and Chekov can be a toddler and it's OK.

Paramount Pictures
Now if only we could figure something, anything, for Bones to do.

The movie Steel is an abomination unto the Lord and unto all of us. All up unto us. And not just because Shaq, despite seeming like a pretty amiable guy in real life, has all the acting chops of a wet sack full of sausage meat and size 23 shoes. It's not his fault. The dude is a natural at basketball; it's OK that he can't act. Not everyone can do everything. I can't figure out hula hoops. But he's not the main problem with Steel. In fact, Steel seems like it was meant for Shaq -- a massive hulk of a man, originally conceived as a bald, African American chap, who takes up the mantle of Superman after the real Superman dies. He makes a costume out of steel, hence the clever name, and tries to fight crime and keep Metropolis safe in Superman's absence. Good stuff. Until you watch the movie.

Buena Vista Pictures
But Shaq as an enslaved provider to a spoiled white kid? Instant classic!

For reasons we may never understand, Hollywood abhors a lead actor in a mask. They refuse to do it with any real commitment. Superman was great; he doesn't wear a mask. But Spider-Man? You never see his face. Why would anyone pay to see their favorite actor if his face is covered? This is how Hollywood thinks. You, as a viewer, are too dumb to appreciate the performance of Ed Norton, or Brad Pitt, or Don Cheadle, if you can't see his face. You only go to see their movies because you love their pretty faces.

Steel tried to address the face issue by drastically and horribly changing a hero's costume. Hollywood learned that was a mistake, and now they make ultra-awesome, ultra-realistic superhero masks that have proven you can love Iron Man even if you can't always see Robert Downey Jr. And then they cram his real face into the movie as much as possible anyway, same as Tobey Garfield in those Spider-Man movies. You can't keep a superhero's mask on to save your life. But never mind that. Steel was so firmly rooted in the idea you needed to see an actor's face, look at the truckload of horseshit they put on Shaq's noggin.

Warner Bros
"Now make a face like an angry bulldog trying to see a treat stuck on its nose."

Jesus H. That looks like something a dude at the gayest masquerade ball in Gotham would be wearing when he picks up the Penguin.

Have the rules loosened up since Shaq Kazaamed the shit out of this movie? Yeah, like I said, we have Iron Man and Spider-Man now, but count how many scenes in those feature the actors not in the mask, especially when it seems like they really should be in the mask. Spider-Man sucks at preserving his secret identity; it's like he can't breathe in that thing. And he makes a point over and over again of how dangerous it'll be for people he cares about if his enemies discover them, but dude takes his mask off probably every five minutes in Spider-Man 3. Just wait and see what they do with Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. His classically handsome visage will be peeking out nonstop, you'll see.

Despite numerous studies and an abundance of research indicating that it would be more cost-efficient for studios to put less effort into theatrical promotion and more into DVD and VOD promotion, and that home entertainment sales are generally far more profitable than box office take, studios still keep this release gap to appease theaters and to ensure you have to sit next to someone who brought their kid who's terrified of raccoons to see and cry through Guardians Of The Galaxy. Despite the fact that eliminating it also virtually eliminates the piracy issue, and people have known since the Napster days that people who pirate content are still willing to pay for that same content if it can be made available, Hollywood lumbers on like some kind of village oaf chasing an uncatchable bunny through a pasture, causing more damage than it realizes with each stupid step.

The recent release of The Interview, a movie no one even liked (full disclosure, I laughed my ass off at that movie. It's funny; folks need to lighten up), has shown that a movie just released digitally can rake in a pretty fat wad of cash. It made $15 million in a weekend, more than any digital release ever, and passed $40 million before it went to Netflix, meaning it grossed more than past films starring Seth Rogen such as Observe And Report, 50/50, and The Guilt Trip, which were all released theatrically. Even though The Interview was all kinds of unintentional and half-assed, it's impressive. And it shows you can roll a movie out in nontraditional ways, and they can still work. People will still watch. And probably you don't need terroristic threats and a potential war with North Korea as part of the PR campaign. Now imagine a highly anticipated film, like Avengers 2, released to VOD and DVD the same day as it hits theaters. Of course it's still going to make a fortune; the only people who'd be pissy about it are theater owners and maybe popcorn jockeys.

CNN
That would make a hell of an ARG, though.

"Hollywood is run by your grandpa" is likely the best way to account for this issue. Grandpa hates change. Grandpa understands you go to the theater to see a double feature and a news reel for a nickel. He does not understand that most people consume content in 2015 on mobile devices -- smartphones, tablets, laptops; these are the tools people use to watch television and film, and they don't watch in traditional two-hour blocks over dinner with the family like Nielsen thinks they do.

For more from Felix, check out 4 Things People Get Away With At Work (And Nowhere Else) and The 6 Deadliest Foods Ever.

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