4 Memos from the Most Bafflingly Evil Movie Corporation

Constantin Film

Welcome, shareholders. Some of you have been demanding to know where our record profits have been going, mockingly suggesting that we've been pouring billions of dollars into a gigantic hole in the ground. We've been pouring in far more than that! We can now reveal the next stage of Umbrella expansion: a secret underground city filled with viral weaponry, artificial intelligence and experiments in human mutation. We're calling it "The Hive," replacing our working title, "The Pit of Incredibly Bad Ideas."

Constantin Film
We also liked "Insanely Genocidal Things R Us," but Legal tells us that copyright lawyers are much scarier than biological weaponry.

We're building this under Raccoon City so that our new products can get straight into the civilian market. Which is good, as Accounting says that every single person on the planet will have to use our products before the place turns a profit. Marketing said that we'd have to make something viral, then said oh God, that's not what they meant, then there was a lot of screaming. But now they work for free!

Constantin Film
Umbrella's dedicated advertising team!

We're confident that they'll change the way people see Umbrella.

Shortly afterward, market research identified a brand-new demographic in Raccoon City -- a huge shambling horde attracted to bright lights, loud noises and utterly ridiculous plot twists -- so we set up a wrestling event between Project Alice and the Nemesis.

Constantin Film
Eh, still better than Daniel Bryan.

It turns out that setting someone against their own previous love interest doesn't work. As a soulless evil corporation, we really need to source personnel who understand these "feelings" that keep screwing up our plans. Either that or exterminate everyone on Earth so that they can't get in our way anymore. An executive committee is co-presently solutionizing which action plan to implement going forward. Because if anyone understands human emotion, it's people who talk like that.

Constantin Film
Also, our corporate art budget is getting kind of ridiculous.

Project Alice killed Nemesis, killed our executives and was then killed in a helicopter crash. We brought her back with even more superpowers, as "resurrecting things that want to kill us" is our entire corporate strategy.

It's also been a standout year for Marketing: Every single human on the planet is now either using our product or thinking about those who are! We'd especially like to thank Stevie in Corporate Strategy, who predicted that the absolute collapse of human society and murder of the entire planet would be required before anyone beat Apple. Nice work, Stevie, your employee record will be posthumously updated!

Constantin Film
An even more distinctive look than white earbuds.

Unfortunately, our success is offset by a serious problem. The worst case our corporation has always feared. The nightmare scenario for any biological weapons company: piracy. Users have been "sharing" our product, especially with close friends and family, robbing us of vital sales.

Constantin Film
Look at those greedy intellectual property thieves.

We recovered plans for how to combat this threat in a hostile takeover of the RIAA buildings. (It turns out that conversion to mindless hungering avatars of greed hadn't changed their business practices.) Legal tells us there are no longer any problems with just shooting people who share our stuff. Interestingly, this is the exact plan the RIAA had been working toward.

Constantin Film

Human Resources has been complaining that the perfected human cloning technology should be under their review, since that is literally their department name, and in fact the first time in history that it was a literal description instead of a soulless dehumanization of living beings. (They also appreciate how working for a company with a Biological Weaponry Department means that they're not the most hated part of the corporation.) Unfortunately, the cloner is still being fully utilized by the Pointless Murder Division.

Wesker kills the entire world and then finds a way to be even douchier.

Human Resources also notes that CEO Wesker has been repeatedly blocking their simplified new performance review procedure.

We must also sadly regret the passing of Dr. Sam Isaacs, who spent the last year killing multiple Alices and researching the antivirus, and was killed by multiple Alices and the antivirus. Please remember Umbrella Corporation safety regulations!

Unfortunately, printer toner is somehow even more expensive after the apocalypse ("Never rains but it pours, that's why we need Umbrella!"), and it ran out halfway through printing these instructions for our staff:

Fortunately, this corporate misstep has exterminated almost everyone (left) on the planet, so there won't be anyone to post sarcastic Twitter messages about it. Research & Development also wants to know why we're still experimenting on human subjects now that we have about 7 billion data points proving that, yes, the virus kills people. In fact, they're wondering who's conducting these tests at all, because it's not them. Does security actually check who's in charge of the labs, or are they just obeying any psychopath who shows up in a lab coat? We're only asking because that would help the payroll situation, and also explain pretty much everything we've done for the last decade.

Constantin Film
"Glad to have you on the team, Dr. N. Dead!"

Also, Accounting (which is just Bob -- there aren't many of us left) is worried about the rate at which CEO Wesker is detonating property. We understand that it's sometimes necessary to liquidize assets, but he's making a corporate smoothie. In the last quarter, he's detonated an underground Tokyo city and half an air force, and he tried to blow up our floating research base. It's also getting expensive to install new washrooms when he keeps blowing them up instead of flushing.

Constantin Film
But after downsizing the executive board and the entire planet, he was free to develop the most sophisticated toilet in history.

We're looking forward to a spectacular quarter with a daring corporate strategy. For the last 10 years, we've lost every single thing we sent against Alice, so we're sending every single thing against Alice. (Incidentally, we never did fill that "Pattern Recognition" position.) Especially the helicopters, which have so far killed, injured or blown up every single person to get in, including ex-CEO Albert Wesker and Alice.

Constantin Film
The collective noun for Umbrella aircraft is "a mass suicide."

We've got a good feeling about this one.

Luke discovers The Game of the Worst Movie Ever Made, and risks his very soul in the Magic: The Gathering Experiment. He also has a website, tumbles and responds to every single tweet.

For more Umbrella insanity, check out Umbrella: The Most Wasteful Movie Corporation Ever and 6 Evil Corporations in Movies (With Terrible Business Plans).