That led crazy people down the next closest mental rabbit hole: what if Nazis got the technology for jet propulsion from actual aliens? Screw Wernher Von Braun -- the real inventor behind the biggest leap in avionics history since the Wright Brothers was the Predator (I just assume that all aliens are Predators, unless otherwise specified). It's a good thing we recruited them all to our side after the war.
The incidents in Central America and LA were regrettable, but that's the price you pay for Predator technology.
And where have they been meeting up with these aliens? Why, in their secret Hollow Earth base by way of Antarctica, of course! Oddly, these three conspiracy theories have been conflated into one megatheory that makes Indiana Jones and the Wolfenstein games look silly in comparison. There's even a Nazi moon base theory to go along with the Antarctic one. And hey, maybe Roswell was actually a crashed Nazi flying saucer, too!
Of course, the long take on this is that one day, the Nazis will emerge out of Antarctica from their lair at the center of the Earth, and from there, it will be just like Independence Day, but with more Nazis and lots of happy assholes on Stormfront.
Hitler Was Possessed by Demons
Hlib Shabashnyi/iStock/Getty Images
Leaving the megatheory behind, let's talk about what was up with that Hitler dude. In recent years, it's become common for researchers to claim that Hitler spent most of his time jacked up on the 1940s equivalent of meth, or that he had been driven to madness by an untreated case of syphilis. While those theories do make some sense, there's another one that explains everything.
Hitler was possessed by demons. Like, actual creatures from Hell, and maybe even the Devil himself. How they got there is anyone's guess, but I can not, in good conscience, rule out that young Adolf had a friend named Captain Howdy who spoke to him through a spirit board.
Now, this isn't like that time when you were ten and your grandmother caught you listening to The Beatles or something else innocuous and said you were possessed. This was an honest-to-goodness thing believed by none other than the Catholic Church.
According to church authorities, both Hitler and his chum Stalin were probably possessed by anything from a few minor gremlins all the way up to Ol' Scratch. This comes from the Vatican's Chief Exorcist, and if there's anyone who'd know what he was talking about when it comes to demonic possession, well, I think he would be our man.
This guy needs his own series on AMC, like, yesterday.
But he's not the only one. According to Vatican documents, Pope Pius XII tried a "long-distance" exorcism on Hitler, but it unfortunately failed (Apparently, the reception gets spotty if you're outside of shouting distance?). Or maybe it worked, and he committed suicide when he saw what the demons had made him do. Whichever.
Note that this theory is not necessarily incompatible with all the others. We could very well have had an Antichrist Hitler who used his alien contacts to build superweapons and forge a stronghold in the center of the Earth. We are all so fucked.
For more from Ashe, check out Weird Shit Blog and his book, The Book of Word Records, available now!
For more from Asher, check out 5 Mind-Blowing Academic Theories as Taught by Classic Movies. And then check out 16 Diabolical Acts of Evil by Famous Corporations.