This is mostly because of our diet -- we eat so poorly that science now recognizes sodium nitrate as a blood type. But it's also because air conditioning allows us to stay inside playing video games instead of sweating it all out on the football field, bleeding and losing teeth, like people did when they still knew how to have fun. So now you're fat and you need more air conditioning to prevent mold from thriving under your clammy breasts. It's a drain on the electricity, and it's going to stop.
Wasting electricity is an American tradition, and we're not about to give that up. But America is already suffering from rolling power outages. We need to find a way to feed our energy addiction before it forces us into a spiral of responsibility. Unfortunately, rising unemployment and obesity mean that more people are sitting at home, requiring more and more energy to cool their expanding bodies, and that fewer tightly coiled balls of American whoop-ass kicking are at work at the ... electricity factories? Wherever electricity gets made.
The Solution: Obesity + Power Shortages + Unemployment = Green Power
Up to this point, the green people have clogged up our roads with bikes, and the obesity and electricity epidemics have only fed one another. It's time to force feed that snake its own tail.
I'm talking roving gangs of bike wranglers combing the streets for the unemployed and the pedal-powered alike and taking them to a warehouse full of stationary bikes wired up to a capacitor. Their efforts will power a massive game of Mario Kart, and the high scorer for the day gets a $50 bonus in their paycheck.
Is it inefficient? Hell yeah, if your only goal is to generate electricity. We're reducing fossil fuel consumption while forging an army of road warriors. And after a few weeks of 30- to 90-minute shifts under medical supervision, we'll have a slimmer America that gets its fill of video games at work and recreational bicyclists clear from our nation's auto lanes, no longer struggling to pass one another as they dream of clearing Lance Armstrong's name and earning his friendship.