Celebrities are better than the rest of us because they get to be on Netflix and in commercials for Sprite. The price of this splendid existence is the potential to suffer a wide array of injuries the rest of us had no idea even existed. It seems even wounds work in a caste system. Look at how ...
Sean Waltman, aka X-Pac / The 1-2-3 Kid / Syxx / Syxx-Pac / Jimmy Two Pacs / Pac-Man / Pac Attac / Pac-E-Derm / Snac Pac, was pretty famous at the height of what WWE fans call the "Attitude Era." To you and me, that was the 1990s. During that time, Waltman had long cool '90s hair and leapt around the ring like some kind of half-man, half-rabbit who wanted to kick strangers in the belly. Naturally, his finishing moved involved something called "the Bronco Buster," and it can best be described as a mostly nonsexual turnbuckle cowgirl.
During one such round of Bronco Busting in 2013, Waltman learned why very few of the rest of us solve disputes this way. There's a video of the incident, but for those unwilling to watch a grown man shatter his ass, what happens is that ... Waltman shatters his ass. He gets his opponent in the corner, and the man is so stunned that all he can do is perfectly align himself for this move. Waltman runs in for the delivery, but the man moves as he leaps, forcing him to make contact with the corner turnbuckle.
Waltman actually finished the match after this, with a few more assgrabs thrown in for good measure, so it seemed like maybe it was no big deal. But if you know professional wrestling, you know these guys would wrestle after a leg came off if they thought the audience would buy it. Waltman had destroyed his ass so severely that he needed a procedure called a sphincteroplasty. Do you have any idea how funny that word is? It's so obviously a word I just made up to describe sphincter surgery that it's baffling to discover that I did not in fact make it up. Luckily for Waltman, his surgery went fine and his butthole survived to Bronco Bust another day.
Not so long ago, Corey Taylor of the band Slipknot said he blew out a testicle while singing. The internet was split between being horrified at the very idea and having a good laugh at his expense. He provided no evidence, and there was no news about him being hospitalized, so the discerning fan figured he was just joking. He might have been, but regardless of whether or not Taylor's testicles did indeed take some trauma, there's a documented history of similar claims. The nut-busting in question is usually in the form of a hernia, like an inguinal hernia, which occurs when a part of your intestine protrudes through your abdominal wall. Often this can go right down in your groin on the left or right side, sometimes even both, producing intense crotch pain.
Now, there's not a ton of literature saying that singing causes hernias in any official medical journals or anything. Generally an inguinal or umbilical hernia is said to be caused by things like increased pressure, strenuous activity, chronic coughing or sneezing, or straining when you go to the bathroom. Each one of those sensations could arguably be reproduced by a singer who's giving their damnedest.
Take Rob Halford from Judas Priest, who had to undergo hernia surgery in 2014. The lead singer of Machinehead had double inguinal hernia surgery in 2012. Sebastian Bach of Skid Row did it in 2017 and called it a "singing related" issue. Michael Stipe of R.E.M. blamed his hernia surgery on singing as well. The singer for the Cro-Mags, the children's group The Wiggles, Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue, the lead singer of Ratt, the lead singer of Linkin Park, the lead singer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and even Aaron Carter all have had hernias. So either all of these guys are carrying their own amps on stage, or maybe singing really does bust your balls in a serious and painful way.
When shooting The Wolf Of Wall Street, Jonah Hill had to do an absurd amount of fake cocaine in order to accurately portray the absurd amount of real cocaine the '80s actually did. Now, CGI coke is probably more expensive than real coke, but the production couldn't use real coke, because you're not supposed to murder Jonah Hill. It's in his contract. Hollywood elitist. So what do you snort? Well, the filmmakers settled on powdered Vitamin D, probably because it sounds healthy if you absolutely refuse to think about it at all, even for a second.
You totally can overdose on vitamin D. It can also lead to hypercalcemia, which is caused by too damn much calcium in your body, and that leads to vomiting, frequent urination, bone pain, and kidney stones.
But that wasn't even the issue for Hill. The problem was they kept making him snort this powder over and over again. As the Canadian Center for Occupational Health and Safety always says, if you keep inhaling dust from anything over an extended period, you're going to get bronchitis. Guess what? Hill developed a three-week bout of bronchitis. If only someone could have foreseen! Oh right, the Canadian Center for Occupational Health and Safety. Right right.
Johnny Knoxville got famous by not giving a shit about trivial things like urethra sanctity. Perhaps we should not be surprised by the following information about the sanctity of his urethra: During one Jackass stunt, Knoxville tore up a hill on a dirtbike, lost control, and had the motorcycle fall back to Earth with nothing but his penis to protect the precious machine parts from damage. If you don't have a penis of your own, or tend to not introduce yours to falling machinery, you may not know that a penis cannot handle that burden.
Knoxville is more than happy to tell the story of the time he destroyed his penis, and has done so on several occasions. The upside for him and his family was that he didn't lose his wang. It was still there and had the potential to keep working. It just required a bit of extra TLC, like daily dilation with a catheter for a few years. That's actually a more or less standard treatment for urethral stricture, in case you're wondering.
If the urethra is like a straw, a stricture is what happens when you crush it. Squish your straw flat, and it's hard as hell to suck anything up through it. Make it out of meat instead of plastic, and it essentially seals itself shut at that point. So you need to keep opening it. This can actually happen to any tube in your body, by the way, including your esophagus.Knoxville's injury was rare but not unique.
That Knoxville had to undergo it for such a long time is either an exaggeration on his part or a testament to just how badly he reamed his doodle. And for what it's worth, this situation is so bad that there's literally a paper out there titled "Poor Quality of Life in Urethral Stricture Patients Treated with Intermittent Self-Dilation." That's super on the nose. Or dick, whatever.
For more, check out All The Times Viggo Mortensen Almost Died Making Lord Of The Rings:
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. If you like jokes and stuff.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.