There is a certain type of person who needs to believe all (or most) celebrities are part of a giant conspiracy, presumably because that's the only way these people are able to rationalize why they aren't rich and famous. Their methods vary according to their level of crazy: some say all celebrities are part of the Illuminati, others suspect they're a race of villainous lizard people, and the most advanced maniacs just straight-up claim that famous people are demons.
My personal favorites of all these "wake-up, sheeple" theories are without fail the ones where the tin-foil person in question makes a giant, sprawling attempt to anchor the madness in historical facts. Take Project MKUltra, a vast and infamous CIA mind-control program and proud Cracked alumnus. MKUltra was one of the many "What the fuck, science?" themed projects that made the '50s and '60s such an interesting era, and a major target among conspiracy theorists (what with being an actual government conspiracy and all). LSD, electric shocks, hypnosis, rampant patient abuse ... MKUltra had it all.
Now, here's where what history knows and what asshats believe differs: although by all accounts MKUltra was largely unsuccessful and basically amounted to an excuse to fuck around with drugs for a few decades, there is an element of shadiness (most of the project documents were destroyed by the CIA) that is fertile ground for tin foil to grow. Although the program was evidently shut down in the 1970s and subjected to a cavalcade of Congressional hearings, many conspiracy enthusiasts believe that it never truly stopped. At the very least, its many brainwashing technologies (which you won't be surprised to hear work like a dream in their version of events) have been pilfered by a number of shady institutions, who apparently use their mind-control powers to go Manchurian Candidate on a bunch of famous peoples' asses. The number of these nefarious organizations and the identities of their puppet celebrities vary according to which of the crazies is screaming loudest, but for those interested, this crazy-ass blog has a fairly comprehensive and oddly specific list.
One popular theory is that the celebrity blond du jour is on the president's payroll. It has been pointed out that Britney Spears' career has been strangely in sync with that of George W. Bush. Others (including Jonathan Davis of the band Korn, for some reason) have claimed that Obama is using Miley Cyrus for whatever nefarious purposes you can use a Miley Cyrus. I can't help but feel that this would actually be a bit of a genius move; say what you want about Miley, but damn if the circus surrounding her wouldn't make the best cover for a brainwashed agent since Zoolander.
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Mugatu ain't got shit on this.
So: we have a whole bunch of different secretly brainwashed and dangerous celebrities, a number of presumably opposing organizations holding their controls, and, let's be frank, what must be the most absurd, unlikely conspiracy theory in all of existence? What should we do? What plot might we choose, should we for some strange twist of fate be able to turn this ludicrous thing into a movie?
Celebrity Battle Royale, motherfuckers. Come on, be honest: wouldn't you love to see Justin Bieber take on the Jonas Brothers armed with only a playground spade? Or rejoice as the shadow behind Gwyneth Paltrow turns out to be a determined-looking Roseanne Barr holding a giant mallet? Would you not pay cash money to witness Radiohead's Thom Yorke decimating Chris Brown in a no-holds-barred trench-knife battle?
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This is not the face of a man who loses knife fights.
Dear Hollywood and/or the shady organizations holding the reins of these poor celebrities: please, please get on this shit. It wouldn't even be all that expensive -- I'm betting the Internet can probably pool together and buy you a nice little battle island.
Pauli Poisuo wants a celebrity battle arena so damn bad. Here are his Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 4 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories We Wish Were True and 4 Video Games That Desperately Need a Movie Adaptation.
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