Sometime in June, I had a raucously hilarious idea for an article that involved responding to Craigslist "Missed Connections" ads in a way that would revolutionize comedy and maybe force a money tree to grow in my yard. As I set about researching this terribly brilliant and unique idea, I noticed the same ad twice, once on Craigslist and once on another classified site -- it was an ad for a local party held on the first Saturday of every month. Everyone was welcome, it assured me. Singles, couples, straight, bi, or Nancy Grace. It was a melting pot of humptolerance. It was like the Starship Enterprise with all phasers set to pork.
I continued with my Missed Connections until it became clear that every hilarious missed connection ad you have ever read about was probably fake and planted by the person who brought it to your attention and, by and large, missed connections ads are a terrible oubliette of despair and shame that should never be spied by the eyes of the righteous and sober. But that hump ad still had my attention.
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"That's a good hump ad!"
I made a fake email account, because I was already mired in abashment and self-disgust at doing such a thing. I have secretly always hoped orgies were organic events, like you have a bunch of sexy friends over, most of the women elected to wear lingerie, and, wouldn't you know it, I'm so irresistible that we absolutely must have sex on the fruit tray I put out. Nice. But I guess that's nothing but a beautiful dream, and the depressing reality is that modern orgies are just strangers who clicked over from Missed Connections and thought, "I could do some hole," then sent an email.
I sent an email and was somewhat creepily surprised to get a reply within five minutes. The Orgy Lord must have notifications on his phone or something. Anyway, his name was Paul and he had been holding these parties every weekend for almost 10 years. Anywhere from 40 to 60 people attend, there was a charge of $25 at the door to cover expenses (I later found out expenses are condoms, lube, and porno), it's cool to just be a wallflower, no one ever "has" to do anything, and you should bring your own drinks. Also, you will be naked. Like as soon as you show up, you have to be naked.
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