Time: It's different for everyone. Don't get down on yourself if it seems quick.

Starting Elevation: 4,801 feet.

Highest Point: 5,003 feet.

Difficulty Rating: Moderate to extremely challenging during summer holiday weekends.

Map

Trail Description and Directions

Though ponds and lakes keep the soil soft and damp throughout the summer, this valley wasn't carved by runoff from the surrounding mountains. Instead, the valley owes its existence to thick, solid glaciers that, while at first seemed too large to fit, slowly drove their way into the Earth over millions of years, creating a deep and satisfying gorge. Today, the swelling mountains on either side and the soft grasses of the shadowy meadows all work in unison to create a setting that metaphorically cries out to be humped in. Specifically by you, and one or three of your closest friends.

In the first 0.6 miles of the trail, you may notice a natural pool to your left surrounded by thick vegetation. Despite first impressions, this is a terrible place to do each other. Horseback riders often stop to let their horses drink and rest by this pool and, while occasionally they will shout words of encouragement, more often than not, they are unwilling to embrace body slapping as a fundamental part of nature. The area is also surrounded by poison oak, which is proven to be terrible for genitals.

"I want to hurt you!"

Instead, head a mile and a half down the trail until you see a tributary stream climbing the side of the valley. Follow the water until it reaches a short, vertical climb up a slab of limestone. At the top you will find a clearing. The climb is steep enough that you won't have to worry about curious dogs or exploring children. Here you can enjoy some interruption-free intercourse out in the open air like wild beasts surrounded by untamed wilderness. Like an eagle or a cow or something.

Incidentally, in the spring months, cows graze in the same clearing. They will watch you. It's just what they do. Try to ignore them.

After a mile and a half, turn left off the trail and traverse west. Robes are likely to collect burs from the local vegetation, so we recommend hiking in shorts and carrying any ceremonial clothing in a day pack, as well as additional socks.

"I don't know about you, but I could really go for a cool bath in blood right about now."

Now, you will likely encounter several other creatures of the night exulting in the honor you bestow on the cloven-hoofed creator. So if you are particularly sensitive to insects, maybe carry some bug spray, as well as some hydrocortisone topical cream for bites. There's a good chance that no one else in your legion of death walkers will think to bring them and they will thank you for it.

When you reach the site of the sacrifice, fulfill your sacred duty, slaking the thirst of your sublime ruler, but don't forget to also take in the city lights! The views of Capitol Records and the Hollywood Hotel from this perspective are not to be missed.

Following your rite, coyotes will likely be drawn to the smell of freshly killed animals. While they are your allies in the army of the dark forces, they are also kind of creepy in packs, so it's really in your best interest to get down the hill as quickly as possible.

Anglers can expect to catch rainbow and brown trout in Rock Creek, hikers can enjoy winding trails through ponderosa pine and quaking aspen forests, and if someone was willing to get up before noon for once in his goddamn life, there's also a spectacular viewing point just north of camp for sunrises. It's guaranteed to steal the breath of anyone who's lucky enough to see it, or at the very least, provide enough glare to the screen of a Nintendo Game Gear or whatever to make it temporarily unusable.

And, for first-time stepfathers, the ranger carries a full first-aid kit for treating bruises, lacerations and BB puncture wounds. Also, there is a direct line in the ranger station to local authorities if for some reason your car disappears.

As you explore, keep an eye on the juniper trees to the left of the parking lot. They act as a boundary between the good, living side of the wilderness and the side lost to festering decay. There was a dead squirrel on the other side of those trees last June, and even after Kevin the ranger removed the carcass with a shovel, the space remains ominous. Everybody says so.

His soul has cursed this land. From the trash can to the picnic table.

As you step from the parking lot to the dirt of the trail head, take a minute to greet the path that will, quite literally, lead you into the future. Allow it to sense you. Follow it as far as it wants you to go while letting the wind breathe you in, the sun examine you with its critical eye. These elements are not angry, just curious, curious how you fit into the greater narrative of the Earth. Gradually, you will come across a knotted stump that is shaped like an elephant fetus.

You're probably going to want to sit on the ground here and just think about some things.

It's a lot to take in all at once, but there is learning hidden everywhere, the thesis of nature written in the latticework of branches overhead and knitted in the veins of each fallen leaf. The language is foreign, but you instinctually know it. It says that life is all made up of the same pieces, and those pieces will continue to make up life over and over again. In fact, you will quickly realize you've been here before, long before you were even born. You have been and will be in this exact spot sitting on the ground infinity times over infinity lives.

At this point, there's a good chance you will accidentally break time.

"I can hear it screaming. It's in pain and I am living backwards."

Maybe head back toward the parking lot. Try to stay calm. Along the way you will likely see trees, plants and rocks you remember, but it will be impossible to tell whether you remember them from the past or from the future because your accident has changed everything. Don't worry, if you want to throw up now, that's OK. Back at the start of the trail there is a public restroom. The toilets do not flush, but there is a mirror over the sinks. You can spend the rest of your journey having epiphanies that are specific to your own reflection in an outhouse mirror. The trail, after all, isn't just out there in the wild, it's also inside you. Maybe. Who really knows what the hell is going on.

You can follow Soren on Twitter or Tumblr, where he almost never makes GPS tracking maps in the shape of penises.

For more from Soren, check out The Most Appropriately Endangered Species on the Planet and Kidnapped by Drug Lords: My 3rd Worst Vacation in Mexico.