Hollywood has been kind to me. Each summer I agree to pay a handful of money and, in exchange, it offers me a 90 minute hunk of childhood nostalgia. X-Men, Batman, G.I. Joe, Transformers and nearly every other fiction-based interest I held as a child have since been rebooted as films, altered only slightly to accommodate my matured and nuanced love of breasts, and things catching on fire.
Yet, as happy as I am with our relationship, I'm shocked that Hollywood refuses to acknowledge that women have histories as well, utterly ignoring any franchise aimed at girls. Like jealous, insecure boyfriends, the studios don't want to think about a woman's past; instead they are content to force-feed her romantic comedies and period pieces about oppressed women weep-running over moors.
I think ladies probably deserve better.
I have always championed women's rights, particularly in public and when I thought there might be some attention to be gained from it. To that end, I'm offering Hollywood these four gritty reboots of cartoons aimed at young girls. The characters are the same but the stories have been updated for the modern woman. They are visceral and real -- and with any luck, worth something.
In an apocalyptic desert future, where civilization has collapsed and towns are overrun by outlaws, an orphan named Wisp and her talking horse struggle for survival, but their lives take an unexpected turn after accidentally trampling and killing a leader of a prominent gang. To escape vengeance, Wisp is forced to flee to the most anarchic town in the desert nicknamed Rainbow Land for its patchwork of disjointed misfits, and degenerates who were too dangerous and violent to fit in anywhere else. Rather than killing her, the community reveres Wisp for murdering such a famous man. As her legend grows, the leaderless gang comes looking for revenge, and threatens to destroy the whole town. Now the young stranger must prove her worth by defending Rainbow Land with the help of a ragtag crew of unstable sociopaths called The Color Kids while simultaneously learning the true meaning of family amidst the ensuing bloodbath.
Renowned record producer Jerrica Benton is successful and well-respected in her career, but privately battles loneliness and crippling depression. To cope, she develops the alter-ego, Jem, a singer and songwriter who quickly gains international fame and fully embraces all aspects of the rock and roll mythos. For a while, conservative Jerrica and party girl Jem peacefully coexist, satisfying two necessary but conflicting aspects of one woman's life, but gradually Jem becomes too powerful for Jerrica to control, threatening to take over her life completely. The psychological thriller explores the dark world of human duality and the dangers of surrendering to a life of indulgence. Also, there is some tasteful nudity.
The life of a young and promising chef slowly spins out of control as stress at her new job and body dysmorphic disorder take their toll on her. After weeks of starvation she begins to hallucinate, seeing food in every aspect of her life; buildings, trees and animals all start to take on the qualities of desserts until she can no longer differentiate between objects that are edible and objects that are not. The hallucinations reach a fever pitch as insanity takes hold and she attempts to make meals out of household items and pets.
A princess is kidnapped as an infant by the leader of an evil empire called The Horde. Emperor Hordak raises her as his own daughter while simultaneously training her to be a warrior and assassin of the highest caliber. When she is finally old enough, he utilizes her as a weapon against her biological family in an effort to overthrow their kingdom and claim it all for himself. The princess gradually realizes she has been manipulated her entire life and vows to destroy The Horde. Her trail of revenge is quickly littered with corpses as she hacks her way up to the top, slaughtering everyone in her way before reaching the emperor and the only man she's ever known as a father.
For more ill-advised reboots, check out 5 Superheroes Rendered Ridiculous by Gritty Reboots. And get more from Soren in 7 Celebrity Movie Deaths We Enjoyed Way Too Much.
Things could always be much, much worse.
You've probably never heard of it.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.