None of which works a goddamn, resulting in no one sitting on you at all.

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Noooooo.

Almost all of this advice relies on the premise that this friend of yours is just waiting for the right combination of words to activate them, like some kind of passive lust receptacle. The whole idea of "escaping the friend zone" denies these people their own sense of agency; nowhere is it ever considered that, if someone's known you long enough to become your friend and they haven't sat on you yet, there might be a reason for it.

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It's your flaws. Your flaws are the reason.

No, the way you want to get out of the friend zone (getting sat on) is basically impossible. But if you simply just want to get rid of your friends? Shit, that's easy! So with that in mind, below I've compiled some of the advice various oily experts have offered on how to escape the friend zone, explained why it won't work, and then offered an alternative technique that will allow you to more rapidly escape the friend zone in the other direction.

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To Enemy Land, via the Creepy Weirdo Provinces.

... you might be able to make your friend reconsider you as a sexual being.

How It Works in Reality:

There is an element of truth to this. Physical appearance matters, and there's a very good chance that when you first met your special friend, he or she just wasn't that physically attracted to you. Making yourself more attractive won't hurt, but you have to remember: first impressions count, and you made yours long ago. A cool haircut or shiny new shirt is likely to at most get you a compliment on your new haircut or shirt shininess before your friend gets on with their day's agenda.

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Better Idea: Worsen Yourself

An even faster way out of the friend zone is to file the edges of whatever qualities made this person like you in the first place. Start dressing like someone who always gets a seat to himself on the bus. Go to the gym, but not to work out. Go there to eat in the smallest clothes you own.

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"Could use a spotter here!"

Then get yourself a bottle of AXE body spray. Apply it. All of it. Ideally, you want the AXE to visibly emanate off of you in little wavy lines.

If you're not causing building evacuations and mysterious waves of bird deaths, you didn't apply enough.

Don't worry, this advice works for girls, too (in that it will endanger the life of anyone you walk near, male or female). Did that work? Or do you still have a useless, pointless friend, stubbornly willing to stand by you in your darkest, reekiest moment? In that case, maybe you should try ...

How It Works in Reality:

This is surprisingly the most useful technique here, but not in the way you intended. Again, you're really unlikely to offset that first impression you've made, and seeing you romantically pursue someone else will make most friends happy for you.

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Rather than pants-happy for you.

No, the reason this advice is so useful is that, if it works, you'll have met someone else who doesn't know you well enough to avoid you yet.

But that still leaves you with a pointless non-sexual friend, doesn't it? How to get rid of them?

Better Idea: Borrow Tons of Money from Them

Money is a classic way to end friendships. By borrowing ever increasing amounts from that special someone in your life, you'll create an awkward, uncomfortable rift between the two of you that can never be healed. Ultimately, your goal here is not to play hard to get so much as hard to get hold of.

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They may actually be counting on this, too.

Still, no one's dumb enough to fall for this, and if you actually try it, you're several times more likely to just annoy your friend than seduce them.

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Better Idea: Repeat Everything They Say in a Sing-Songy Voice

This is probably the single fastest way out of the friend zone I can conceive of. Seriously, if you can keep this up for five minutes at a time (it's harder than it sounds), you'll be short a friend, or even stabbed to death, before you know it!

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(shrilly) "You're a fucking infant!"
"I'm calling the police!"
(shrilly) "I'm calling the police!"

How It Works in Reality:

Fuck you, that's how well it works. Making every interaction into a bizarre AXE-scented minefield of insults and verbal traps is a terrible way to make someone like you. You don't deserve happiness, you awful abomination.

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"Did those pants shrink?"

Better Idea: Set Yourself on Fire

This trick needs a bit of prep work. First, casually ask your special friend if he/she would like to go on a "non-date" to one of your favorite sources of sparks or open flames.

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"You mean you've never been to the foundry? We simply must go!"

There, because you'd previously applied an entire can of body spray to your horrible self, you'll quickly combust and melt like a Nazi.

Congratulations on finally escaping the friend zone. I wish you the best of luck in your future non-life, trying to trick other ghosts into "like" liking you.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and loved the part of this column where he got to search for pictures of women squatting. Join his friend zone on Facebook or Twitter.