Accuracy Check: This review was checked for accuracy by Cracked's nighttime janitor Mickey. Mickey lives in a housing project with 13 other people from his country in one bedroom. Mickey has never played Pong but wants us to know he loves America, loves freedom, and please help, they won't let him leave.
Transparency: Felix Clay would like to inform readers he has not played Pong since the 1980s when he actually owned a hand-me-down Atari 2600 and a black-and-white TV that had knobs to change the channel. Fuckin' knobs! Does anyone under 20 even know what a knob is?
Fairness and Accountability Overview: Felix Clay's memory is quite possibly grossly inaccurate and unreliable, thanks to years of low-budget alcohol abuse and mild-to-moderate head trauma when it comes to the fun and/or lack of fun one may have when playing Pong. Due to this, editorial would like to adjust the review to reflect that, when Felix says Pong is fun, it may in fact not be fun, and when Felix says it's not fun, it may in fact be fun.
KerPlunk is not a video game, but I don't think anyone was ever complaining specifically about ethics in video game journalism so much as ethics in gaming journalism, and therefore I feel this particular pseudo-board game is worth reviewing.
First marketed in 1967, making it half as old as a third of most of Cher, KerPlunk is a game in which players poke long, plastic skewers through a tube bespeckled with holes until a kind of lattice is formed. These skewers can also effectively be used to stab your siblings if necessary. Once all skewers are in place, the top of the tube is filled with marbles. The object of the game is to remove skewers one at a time, while allowing as few of the marbles to drop as possible. The person who allows the fewest marbles to drop is the winner, although everyone is equally meritorious in life and has their own set of unique skills and abilities that couldn't possibly be quantified by a single marble-based board game from the 60s.
KerPlunk is an obvious metaphor for the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It is an abominable game devoid of morality, humanity, and soul.
Accuracy Check: This review was checked for accuracy by Felix himself after assuring editorial that he would be in no way swayed by or in conflict with the review simply because he had written it himself. Felix feels the fundamentals of this review are spot-on and the reviewer himself is likely a handsome, ruddy sort of fellow who ladies should probably show their boobs to. But also men as well, because that is fair and ethical. But men, make sure if you do show your boobs, that you're a lady.
Transparency: Felix would like to inform readers that, as a child, he stole all the marbles from KerPlunk and played marbles with them, and over the years, the KerPlunk marbles were off-and-on replaced by random marbles picked up from garage sales. It is entirely possible his version of KerPlunk was therefore irrevocably altered due to the presence of nonsanctioned marbles, many of which could have been hidden inside corpses or used as currency for prison sex. We just don't know. What do garage sale people do with their marbles before they sell them? You don't know either.
Fairness and Accountability Overview: Felix's rudimentary understanding of World War II is a clear cause for concern. However, it is clear that this game is abominable and was not made with human decency in mind, what with all the corpse and prison sex marbles involved. Kids put that shit in their mouths. That's disgusting.
Gaming should be enjoyed by everyone or no one, depending on which is most fair, even-handed, and ethical. It is clear that all games and no games have a variety of experiences to offer us and oppress us. Only through fully transparent, factually accurate, nonbiased journalism with a series of reviews and accountability checks in place can any of us hope to ever enjoy or hate these games, as is determined by everyone or no one, as is proper. Caucasian, heterosexual, cisgendered males are no better or worse than anyone, except perhaps women, but only as far as gaming goes or any other aspect of life, as determined by gamers if and when they choose to become arbitrarily upset by the presence of a uterus. Or the lack of one, if that is deemed proper.
For more from Felix, check out The 7 Most Sexually Deviant Creatures in Folklore. And then check out When Video Game Characters Finally Snap.