3

Clash of Clans

supercell.net

A popular app for both Android and iPhone, Clash of Clans is a combat strategy game designed to waste your money because it's almost literally impossible to advance by playing for free. I know this because I've been trying to play for about five months now without spending any money, and you basically just end up stagnating for a month at a time, then advancing very slightly, then repeating the process.

If you have seen the delightful animated commercials, you know nothing about the game. Mostly you just spend lots of resources, which you do not have a lot of, unless you pay real money for them to build and upgrade things. You do this over and over for months, and each upgrade takes longer than the last unless you pay to make it happen faster.

This game is easy to enjoy for anyone with thumbs and a penchant for monotony or money-wasting, whether he be an adult male of Western European ancestry or a noble Native American member of the Navajo tribe. Choose your defenses, build your army of archers, giants, warriors, and wizards, and see how well you fare laying siege to other users who, if they paid any money at all, will be better than you.

Accuracy Check: This segment of the column was checked for accuracy by author and samaritan Gladstone. Gladstone does not own a smartphone but does have a rotary phone. He felt the clan clashing in the game was probably too much like racial violence and refused to participate further. As such, this review has gone unverified by a third-party official and may contain falsehoods spun from the author's own deranged mind, such as this claim about wizards in the game. I mean, wizards? That sounds patently false.

2

Pong

wikipedia

This game is considered an Atari classic, but probably only in the sense that it's one of the first video games ever, which isn't a judgment of its quality and is in no way meant to besmirch or belittle any games that may have been made since that time. All are equally good and valid.

The story of Pong is one of two opposing forces, much like the Montagues and Capulets, or perhaps the Spartans and Persians, or the Quebec Nordiques and Hartford Whalers. These forces clash in an age-old battle of bip-bop, wherein the bip and/or bop is provided by a pixel which, through the use of your imagination, can be viewed as a ball. Perhaps a ping-pong ball. Or some other kind of ball. But probably a ping-pong ball, since it lends itself best to the name of the game. You could imagine a football, but then why is it called Pong? But don't let that stop you! Your imagination is your prerogative, and you are allowed to imagine all the balls you want as much as you want. You can spend all day, fellow Caucasian, heterosexual, cisgendered male gamers, imagining balls of every shape and color coming at you -- coming at you high and coming at you low, balls that never stop coming at you for as long as you're having fun being on the receiving end of all those balls.

This game is fun. Unless you don't find it fun. If the stress of conflict is too unbearable, that is wholly valid and defensible and is well-respected by all. Pong is not fun. Unless it is.

1

KerPlunk

KerPlunk is not a video game, but I don't think anyone was ever complaining specifically about ethics in video game journalism so much as ethics in gaming journalism, and therefore I feel this particular pseudo-board game is worth reviewing.

First marketed in 1967, making it half as old as a third of most of Cher, KerPlunk is a game in which players poke long, plastic skewers through a tube bespeckled with holes until a kind of lattice is formed. These skewers can also effectively be used to stab your siblings if necessary. Once all skewers are in place, the top of the tube is filled with marbles. The object of the game is to remove skewers one at a time, while allowing as few of the marbles to drop as possible. The person who allows the fewest marbles to drop is the winner, although everyone is equally meritorious in life and has their own set of unique skills and abilities that couldn't possibly be quantified by a single marble-based board game from the 60s.

KerPlunk is an obvious metaphor for the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It is an abominable game devoid of morality, humanity, and soul.

Accuracy Check: This review was checked for accuracy by Felix himself after assuring editorial that he would be in no way swayed by or in conflict with the review simply because he had written it himself. Felix feels the fundamentals of this review are spot-on and the reviewer himself is likely a handsome, ruddy sort of fellow who ladies should probably show their boobs to. But also men as well, because that is fair and ethical. But men, make sure if you do show your boobs, that you're a lady.

Transparency: Felix would like to inform readers that, as a child, he stole all the marbles from KerPlunk and played marbles with them, and over the years, the KerPlunk marbles were off-and-on replaced by random marbles picked up from garage sales. It is entirely possible his version of KerPlunk was therefore irrevocably altered due to the presence of nonsanctioned marbles, many of which could have been hidden inside corpses or used as currency for prison sex. We just don't know. What do garage sale people do with their marbles before they sell them? You don't know either.

Fairness and Accountability Overview: Felix's rudimentary understanding of World War II is a clear cause for concern. However, it is clear that this game is abominable and was not made with human decency in mind, what with all the corpse and prison sex marbles involved. Kids put that shit in their mouths. That's disgusting.

Wrap Up

Gaming should be enjoyed by everyone or no one, depending on which is most fair, even-handed, and ethical. It is clear that all games and no games have a variety of experiences to offer us and oppress us. Only through fully transparent, factually accurate, nonbiased journalism with a series of reviews and accountability checks in place can any of us hope to ever enjoy or hate these games, as is determined by everyone or no one, as is proper. Caucasian, heterosexual, cisgendered males are no better or worse than anyone, except perhaps women, but only as far as gaming goes or any other aspect of life, as determined by gamers if and when they choose to become arbitrarily upset by the presence of a uterus. Or the lack of one, if that is deemed proper.

For more from Felix, check out The 7 Most Sexually Deviant Creatures in Folklore. And then check out When Video Game Characters Finally Snap.