Movie theaters sell a product at their concession stand that's so inappropriate for the theater experience that its continued existence has to be part of some demonic social experiment. Small sounds resonate like atom bombs. Coughs are startling. Whispers are the irritating, high-pitched hiss of a slightly opened bathroom faucet when you're trying to sleep. A ringing phone makes people stare like they were just told you're a prolific child molester. Any sound can transform you from just another movie-goer to a symbol for everything wrong with humanity -- which is why the plastic candy bag is one of the dumbest thing theaters can sell you just shy of air horns.
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Pro Tip: Unwrap entire pack and then cram it all in your head before the trailers start.
By selling you a bag of candy, a movie theater has tricked you into being the focal point for the audience's rage. They know you're powerless against the call of the candy. Every attempt at slowly navigating a hand through a candy bag fails spectacularly. Every labored crinkle gives more inarguable reason for someone to revoke your candy privileges by any means necessary, even an excessive humanity-depleting display of animal-like, brute force.
"A thousand pardons, sir. But, could you please lower the volume on your bag? You will? Smashing, sir! Enjoy the film."
Bring enough loud-ass candy for everyone in the theater. That way, we can all stare in bewilderment at the movie we cannot hear over our maddening crinkling chorus. Rather than be the focal point of the audience's ire, bring them into the fold. Make them just as responsible for making Netflix and illegal torrenting look that much more appealing.
Even then, the irritating noises can be used as a benefit. Instruct everyone to eat only when Vin Diesel is speaking, so none of you have to hear his ridiculous, wooden deliveries. Is it raining in a particular scene? For the love of god, bust out the gummy bears right then! The crinkling adds to the rain's sound effects. It'll be like you're all in a raging storm.
Look, all I'm saying is that if you're going to do any of these dick moves, you could at least make it entertaining and worthwhile. With a little creativity, damn near anything can be forgiven. Because heaven knows it's simply impossible for you to just not do those dickish things in the first place. Why are you still looking at me like I'm being sarcastic?
Luis is drenching your toilet seat right now. Meanwhile, he can be found on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more from Luis, check out 4 Video Games That Revolutionized Boring Parts Of Gaming and 6 Brilliant Websites That Should Not Exist.
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