Teen Mom originally lasted for four seasons and was such a success that MTV created a Teen Mom 2, which also lasted for four seasons. They followed this up with Teen Mom 3, which was canceled after one season for not being Teen or Mom enough, I guess. They then brought back Teen Mom 2 for a fifth season and, in 2015, Teen Mom will also be returning for a fifth season. Immediately following that, Teen Mom 2 will return for its sixth season. If you read this paragraph backwards, you will summon the living devil.
Look at those kids' faces and tell me they don't know the Antichrist is nigh.
Farrah Abraham, who starred in the first Teen Mom series, wasn't satisfied with being the laughingstock of a nation by the time that it ended. While the other three stars from Teen Mom have seemingly been content with the most awful kind of stardom that a young woman can have, there isn't an avenue for success that Abraham hasn't blindly stumbled toward.
She began by releasing a memoir and an album, which were both called My Teenage Dream Ended. If someone you didn't like told you that a cast member of Teen Mom wrote a book, what you'd imagine is exactly what My Teenage Dream Ended turned out to be. At its best, it's a collection of words that are organized into sentences, but any literary merit that it could've achieved stops there. If you need to find a space on your shelf for it, then put it next to unPHILtered, by Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, and then set the whole thing on fire to prevent further contamination. On the same end of the spectrum is Abraham's music, in which she yells lyrics from the studio's parking lot while the producer Auto-Tunes everything to wipe away the evidence that either had been there.
For once, old people complaining new music is nothing but noise have a point.
Abraham then decided to go into porn, in an effort that was initially meant to capitalize on the growing trend of sex tapes being "leaked." To maintain absolute legitimacy, popular porn star James Deen was hired to take part in it. This would, in the formative stages, add a few extra obstacles to the willing suspension of disbelief for the audience of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.
The most notable of these obstacles was that a "leaked" tape would imply that Abraham, star of a successful MTV show, met with Deen and -- outside of any business relationship -- they just decided to make professional-looking porn together for the pleasure of no one else but themselves. Then, somehow, they would have to have had their privacy invaded in a way that allowed Vivid Entertainment to release the tape. To cap off a scheme that makes no sense whatsoever, Deen was told to remain quiet about the fact that it was totally planned. And Deen, being the only rationally minded person involved in the ordeal, didn't do that shit at all.
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
He's still a motherfucker though. Technically speaking.
Abraham would go on to insult Deen, claim that the tape was meant for her own collection, and then try to block its release because, when momentary lucidity hits you, it picks the worst fucking time. Vivid Entertainment viewed this as backstabbing them, especially after Abraham declared that she'd been drugged and raped multiple times while doing promotion for the sex tape at strip clubs and pornographic conventions. They replied to this in a way that only a vengeful, immature porn producer can and announced the release of Farrah 2: Backdoor and More. I've never seen a more stupidly conceived agenda go this awry, and the only person to come out of it unscathed was Deen, who continues to be a beloved fixture in the porn community.
Good for you, James Deen. I honestly mean that.
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