OK. I can do this. I can totally do this without bursting out in a torrent of boner jokes. Right, here we go:
The subject of this entry is a tonic known as Valentine's Meat-Juice, a well-known historical ahahahahaha oh s**t I can't even write that name with a straight face.
Just ... just give me a second. I can be an adult about this, I swear.
Oh, like hell I can. Valentine's Meat-Juice (Valentine's Meat-Juice!) was a huge, swinging hit all over Richmond, Virginia, in the latter half of the 19th century, with hordes of fans raging hard on its behalf. Its inventor, Mann Valentine (Mann Valentine!), came up with the potent mixture when his wife, Maria, became so ill that keeping her properly nourished was rapidly becoming a huge pain in the ass. Luckily, Valentine was a man(n) with a plan: He would sow the seeds of health in his prone wife with a heaping helping of his soon-to-be-patented Mann juice. Summoning half-remembered chemistry lessons from his school days, he locked himself in the cellar, tirelessly laying pipe until he had built an extraction system that could take slabs of meat and suck the nutritious juices right out of them.
On New Year's Eve 1870, Maria received the first of the many oral doses of meat-juice to come. She soon started getting better, because at that point, the universe just flat out gave up and started watching how far the situation's sheer porn movie logic would take the Valentines.
The Quack Doctor
Spoiler: It would take them a long, throbbing way. Penis.