Because if we are, holy shit, this would be a political/spy thriller with the best damn soundtrack.
Marilyn Monroe Was Murdered For Being A UFO Informant
Baron/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
So here's a perfectly logical theory that says Marilyn Monroe died because of crashed UFOs. I mean, sure, barbiturates did it in the end, but alien tech is what made her death necessary.
It's kind of sad, really -- Marilyn had long dabbled with very powerful and dangerous figures, and her death was a legitimately mysterious affair that left a lot of room for potential shenanigans and very real conspiracy theories. And then someone just feels the need to come up with a goddamned UFO theory, because for some people, it's always aliens.
In this one, someone found (or rather "found") a crummy old "CIA document" that says JFK was in the habit of showing Marilyn way more than his li'l president, and one of the things he inexplicably showed her was a top-secret military base that just so happened to stock a bunch of crashed UFOs. Marilyn's reaction to this ultra-confidential revelation was apparently, "Oh shit, I'm gonna tell everyone," because all of this is how things work in the minds of people who habitually cook their brains with foil. Hence, assassination courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Central Intelligence Agency.
"Hey, you steal our tech, you lose your babes. It's a respect thing."
This is the only conspiracy theory that I want to be true, because the ensuing movie would be the most awesome thing ever put on film. Yes, Marilyn Monroe was likely just not a very happy person and had a heavy tendency to overmedicate, but imagine going full-on nutjob with the UFO adaptation. Maybe cast Steven Seagal as Marilyn and have him elbow some Frisbees or something. Justin Bieber can be a CIA agent. Tommy Wiseau can pull double duty as a director and all of the fucking aliens. Soundtrack by Nickelback, because why the hell not? That way, we at least get some enjoyment out of this idiotic thing when we inevitably riot and set the cinema on fire.
Pauli Poisuo was secretly replaced by the real Paul McCartney in 1966. Compare their facial structures on his Facebook and Twitter.
For more from Pauli, check out 5 Awesome Foreign Easter Traditions (That We Need) and 5 Classic Toys Way More Movie-Worthy Than Transformers .
Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.