For readers who are unfamiliar with Don, he was a sitcom staple from the 1950s to the '80s, usually playing the part of "bumbling sheriff" or "bumbling landlord" or "bumbling Apple Dumpling Gang leader" when he ventured into movies. None of these roles painted a picture of a man you want to trust with fast-setting concrete. If I listed all the people I wouldn't want touching fast-setting concrete, Don would be sandwiched between "Kristi Harrison" and "babies." In 1986, the good people at Quikrete had a different take on the "should Don Knotts be the guy who promotes our concrete product?" conundrum. If Don could succeed at working with concrete, anyone could! Which was how a beloved Emmy-winning comedian ended up as the ironic spokesman for concrete.

"If a joke of a human like me can figure it out, so can you!"

And you know what's crazy? Besides the part about Barney Fife shilling a book on how to create your own sidewalks and tuck-point mortar joints when required to do so? It's that the book wasn't half bad, according to the eight Amazon reviews it's accumulated over the years.

As someone who comes from a long line of teen moms (or as we called them, "moms"), I have no judgment against Farrah Abraham or anyone else who makes another human being before hitting the age of 20. I've never watched Farrah's show 16 And Pregnant or its sequel Teen Mom or its other sequel Poor People, Now Older, Continued, although I was briefly tempted to watch "How Do Taxes Work?" Teen Moms Take A Field Trip To The Accountant because it occurred to me that I don't actually know how taxes work and I could use the tips.

From what I've gathered through some investigative journalism and strict avoidance of MTV, Farrah was a 17-year-old cheerleader who got knocked up and named her child Sophia Laurent, which sounds a lot like "Sophia Loren" but isn't. As if things weren't already rough enough, Farrah named her daughter the equivalent of the fake DVDs your grandma sends you when she can't discern that What's Up? Balloon To The Rescue is NOT the same movie as Disney's Up.

amazon.com
Close enough!

Back to Farrah. At age 17, Farrah had a baby and a hit MTV show. By age 20, she transitioned from having a baby and a show to having a toddler and a porn tape with a professional porn star. Still, not judging. Insurance is expensive, and everyone has the right to hire a professional porn actor to put his ding dong inside your butt while on camera -- if that's the plan you think God's worked out for you. It wasn't until I saw Farrah's trilogy of erotica books that I finally put my judging hat on. It looks like this:

John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Don't judge my judging hat.

Farrah's muse for her trilogy of dirty stories is -- wait for it -- herself. The main character is named "Fallon Opal," which I imagine came about after a thought process that went like this:

Too on the nose, Farrah.

Finally, Farrah pulled from her real-life exploits in the entertainment world to write about a humble young lady who buckles down and goes to accounting school, so she can provide for her family and live a normal life. Psych! Farrah/Fallon spends three books translating her leaked sex tape into a career in Hollywood. And she used her own picture for the book covers. Hey! Speaking of which ...

God help me, I think Kim Kardashian is a bona fide genius. But that's because, in my mind, genius is when you take what you've got and stretch it as far as you can go. And for a girl who was never on anyone's "smartest" or "semi-talented" list, Kim seems to be doing OK for herself.

Says the girl whose dad defended OJ.

The caveat to the above paragraph is that I've never actually watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians and don't know anything about Kim beyond her butt, her husband, her sex tape, her parents, her E! televised wedding, and her kid. In retrospect, that's actually a lot of information to work with. I probably know more about Kim Kardashian than I know about myself.

Like her sisters, her mom, and her current husband, Kim got herself a book deal. But, instead of pulling a Kanye and publishing 52 pages of word vomit in bold font ...

http://whatthehellz.com
True page from West's book Thank You And You're Welcome. There is no joke here.

... Kim focused her energy and resources on what she knows and loves best: herself. The book is called Selfish, and it's going to be a published version of her personal archives, aka her Instagram account. Brilliant! Remember, this is a woman who went from Paris Hilton's assistant to owning a $85 million dollar empire. This little stupid book from Kim Kardashian is what it looks like to turn a nothing sandwich into a 50-course meal.

Please be the book cover, public bathroom selfie featuring a man and woman in the same public bathroom.