The problem is that "My Name Is," Em's hit song, conjured up such delightful images as stapling a pedophile teacher's nuts to a stack of papers and inserting one's c**k into a gentlemen's club's tip cup.

Then Came the Censors:

If Eminem were to become the poster child that years of criminal activity had undoubtedly prepared him to be, he needed to clean up his act. Thus, his label forced him to record an almost completely new song. And voila! Unlike the rape-obsessed psychopath his lyrics once evoked, the new Slim had turned into someone who was simply annoying, a meddling juvenile delinquent.

For instance, the lyrics "I don't give a f**k, God sent me to piss the world off" became "I don't give a damn, Dre sent me to tick the world off." While the former is scarily reminiscent of an angry school shooter, the latter seems to instead suggest "I, a God-fearing individual that believes 'tick off' is totally legitimate slang, am upset."

Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images
"Dear world, prepare to be ticked off.
Sincerely, Marshall Mathers, age (2)7"

In addition, where he previously rapped about his desire to murder his father, the new Eminem wonders if Mr. Mathers "bought a porno mag and seen my ad," evoking both a less violent and a far more sexually communicative relationship with his dad. And if you're wondering, dear reader, his old man did buy that magazine, and he did see his ad. And he felt very proud.

The song immediately went viral 19th century style, with over 400 variations recorded. And in 1959, rock and roll singer Lloyd Price scored a mainstream hit with his version of the song, eventually performing it on American Bandstand.

Kind of.

Then Came the Censors:

Gary Wagner/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
The lowest dance ability-to-person ratio ever photographed.

Into the blinding whiteness pictured above came Price, a black man singing about a black man killing a white man over a hat. As you might have guessed, there was a slight conflict of interest: Bandstand guru Dick Clark told Price his song was "too dark and scary" for his audience. If he wanted airtime, Price would have to do so on their terms. Their created-by-white-people-in-1957 terms.

The result was the first murder ballad in history to feature absolutely no murders. No longer were "two men gambling in the dark." Nope, now they were "arguing in the dark" because Billy stole Stag's girlfriend. But instead of grabbing his gun and hunting him some Billy, Lee "went home and he fell down on the floor/He said Billy did me wrong and I don't wanna see him no more." Yes, you read that correctly: He ran home to curl up on the floor and weep, as 30-something gun-wielding lunatics are wont to do. Luckily, Billy quickly came to his senses and gave Stag his girlfriend back, like the pre-feminism object she is. White America wept for joy.

So, drumroll please ...

Christopher Polk/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Jason Merritt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images



Why attend movie premieres when you can easily be Photoshopped into them?

Then Came the Censors:

Demanding that The Karate Kid meet its lofty cinematic standards, the Chinese government edited the film so that any scene portraying Chinese kids as bullies was cut. However, all of the fight scenes were left intact, with Jaden Smith now appearing as if he'd started them without any provocation.

twitter.com/officialjaden
Jaden, I can't tell if you're great at Twitter or a complete a*****e,
but I'll say this much: You sure as hell know how to capitalize words.

The evil Chinese kung fu master received a similar makeover. The brutal, morally dubious teacher was replaced with a strong, stoic, and proud one, like a father who could never tell his son he loved him. Having said that, the master is still shown teaching young children how to physically harm one another via ancient, time-proven killing techniques, so the jury's still out on this guy.

Columbia Pictures
"The first rule of kung fu is you do not talk about kung fu."

Weirdly enough, the Chinese government kept the ending, meaning that Jaden, the wicked American born of a woman presumably out of wedlock, won the big tournament. I'm not sure what kind of message this sends the Chinese public, but at the end of the day, the Chinese censored-movie business is still a business. And God knows those were some cool action scenes.

The Original:

After raping a woman, murdering another, and ruining Beethoven for classical music enthusiasts everywhere, Alex, the main character/sociopath in Anthony Burgess' novel A Clockwork Orange, eventually transforms into a very good boy indeed. But not because of the infamous "force him to watch violence until he hates violence" experiment shown:

Warner Bros.
The real torture is being forced to sit in the front row, where the image looks wonky.

No, in this version, Alex renounces violence by -- wait for it -- growing up. Now mellowed out and mature, he pledges to settle down, start a family, and only kill people if they really, really deserve it. How's that for a character arc?

Then Came the Censors:

When Burgess tried to release his book in the U.S. in the mid-'60s, the publishers decided that optimism and hope weren't realistic enough. As they saw it, masochistic American audiences wouldn't "get" Alex's redemption. After all, villains don't magically evolve into pleasant, law-abiding citizens: They stay evil for all eternity and occasionally go into politics.

Warner Bros.
"I partake in all kinds of intolerance. Except, of course, lactose intolerance."

And just like that, American publishers simply deleted the chapter. No clever editing, no forced rewriting, nothing. For over 20 years, American editions of A Clockwork Orange ended the moment Alex realized he had much more violence and rape to commit, thereby emphasizing the novel's pessimistic tone (and increasing the chances for a possible sequel). And thanks to Stanley Kubrick's 1971 film based on it, the censored Clockwork Orange is far more famous than the original. So, you might have lost the battle, Burgess, but you also lost the war.

Evening Standard/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
No eye clamps necessary. This guy just loves watching violence.

Jason Iannone is totally cool with children hearing the clean version of "My Name Is." Agree with him or else via Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.