If guys still used little black books, his would weigh more than that dog.
Post-appointment, I met with the doctor and expected to hear one of two things: The dog had bitten open his stitches or run over a stick while playing and opened them up that way. Basically, open stitches was the expected diagnosis. To my surprise, the stitches were perfectly fine. He had not screwed with his surgery in a misguided attempt to stick his balls back where they belong. And yet, unless I unknowingly possess the Shining, the blood I saw was definitely real. So what gives?
Turns out, it's not just the immediate surgeried area you have to watch out for -- it's the whole area. The sides around the stitches, above them, below them -- there's a large blast zone around the scrotum, and it's all raw and vulnerable. My dog had managed to chew a hole in the side of his sac, damn near at his thigh. A HOLE. Poor guy had basically eaten himself alive over itchies.
After a quick go with the surgical glue gun, the doctor recommended I try an inflatable collar instead of the cone, and we know how well that turned out. Even after the double-team of cone and life-preserver, he was scooting around on his butt, desperate to scratch despite risking yet another Carrie shower. So I went back to the vet, paid my rent for the month, and bought an anti-itch spray that meant stinging chemicals on a very raw scrotum. His yelping could've drowned out the blast at Hiroshima. If he could've reported me to doggie DSS, he absolutely would have.
Vitaly Titov/Hemera/Getty Images
"He keeps saying I'm a good boy, but ... I no longer believe him."
Luckily, this story's got a happy ending. The glue kept, he's no longer itching, he's learned to live with his double-collar situation, and he will likely return to a normal, naked-neck life very soon. Also, since he bled out like he did, his swollen sac has since dwindled to nothing, which is what it's supposed to be. Dammit, I should've signed him up for a dog show when I had the chance. He might not have won, but footage of stuffy old judges checking out his Yorkie Porkies would've gone viral for decades.
Jason wishes somebody would've helped protect the Beauty population by having Bob Barker spayed or neutered. Follow him (Jason, not Bob) on Facebook and Twitter.
Want an even more disgusting visual than Jason's dog's engorged scrotal sack? Then read about how Jessica Simpson rarely brushes her teeth in The 5 Worst Celebrity Hygiene Habits Of All Time and learn how buying gourmet food for your dog is nothing more than a self aggrandizing waste of money in 5 Mistakes Every Dog Owner Makes.
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