I'll take it on the chin right here that, in my original title for this article, I said "awesome." As in, the works of art I'm describing here are awesome. So I'm calling Spider-Man both art and awesome. Now, you're positive I don't mean Spider-Man 3, because what a turd-encrustulated mishap of celluloid skidmarkery that was. And you're right; I don't mean that. And I don't even mean the Amazing Spider-Man movies. Which I could, because they fit the premise, minus the "awesome" part, because no matter how great Emma Stone is ... no. Just no. Those didn't work. Instead, I'm referring to a movie I haven't even seen yet: The announced Spider-Man reboot. Bold? Yes. It's the only way Felix flies. Bold like the mesquiteiest of barbecue sauces.

As you may be aware, Sony owns the film rights to Spider-Man, but their ownership is hinged on tenuous contract chicanery. Basically, if they want to keep Spider-Man, they have to use Spider-Man. It's the use-it-or-lose-it principle of sex appeal and superhero filmmaking. That's why we had to endure a second Uncle Ben murder, Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man, the unfulfilling dubstep villain Jamie "Sparkmeister" Foxx, and a cameo by Paul Giamatti in a full-body trash compactor. Sony had to make those movies, and in years to come, executives will say that at the pearly gates when they have to account for their sins.

Especially the dubstep one.

Sony is all set to reboot Spider-Man again, in what will be their third bite at the same withering apple. But I still feel bold enough to claim "awesome" in my title. (If the editors change my title, then don't worry. We will know the truth, and it'll be our little secret. Just like those other secrets I told you not to tell anyone about, and so help me if you spill the beans.) Why? Because in the new Spider-Man, we will not have to endure Uncle Ben's death. For the first time in the history of superhero movies, someone is just going to assume that we already know who the character is and spare us a lengthy origin story.

Because who the fuck, in 2015 and beyond, doesn't know who Spider-Man is? And even if they don't, why are they going to see his movie? Fuck those people. Fuck everyone who goes to see the 50th goddamn iteration of Superman and wonders, "Golly, where did this Super fellow come from? I'm really interested in his backstory, which was established a million goddamn years ago and is probably more widely known than the story of how our country was founded!"

Instead, the new Spider-Man will let us enjoy just a Spidey adventure, and it may even feature a non-Peter-Parker, nonwhite Spider-Man, just to further shake things up, which is good. And it is all happening because Sony is forced to make these movies, even if they don't want to. Even if they don't want to rake in tens if not hundreds of millions in profit. Must be a hard life.

Pulgasari is not a top-secret masturbation technique. Nor is it the next Pokemon-like evolutionary step in pierogi. It is in fact a movie about a socialist monster who stands against capitalism. I bet you wouldn't have guessed that in under seven tries.

The story behind Pulgasari is far better than the film itself, and I say that having not even seen the film. You'll notice I'm taking a lot of liberties with things I know nothing about these days, and it's because I'm chock-a-block with pluck and aplomb that comes from my superlative powers of deduction. For instance, I have easily deduced that a North Korean Godzilla ripoff that somehow uses a man-in-a-rubber-suit kaiju as socialist propaganda can't possibly be as awesome as the fact that the movie was made when Kim Jong-il kidnapped the director and his wife from South Korea after binge-watching James Bond movies, and kept them prisoner for five years until they agreed to make him a movie about a monster who fights alongside peasants against a feudal lord in a mad display of anti-capitalism.

Korean Film Studio
I don't need context to know that this is a good movie scene.

Now take a moment to appreciate how this occurred. Kim, who at this time was North Korea's Minister of Hollywood*, was known to be a massive film fanatic, and he would import all the latest and greatest Hollywood hits while trying desperately to set up a North Korean film industry, arguably to do nothing more than shame South Korea and maybe spread some insanity, since everything North Korean is insane. His idea was to get in touch with a famous South Korean actress and have her travel to Hong Kong, under the guise of meeting with Chinese filmmakers who were interested in collaborating on a business venture that would rejuvenate her declining her career. As you can imagine, once she got to Hong Kong, someone put a sack on her head and drugged her.

Later, her husband, a famous director, traveled to Hong Kong to find her. A sack drugging later and they were both in Pyongyang, ready to make North Korea's kaiju dreams come true. And after five years of resisting, they gave in. Here's the entire 95-minute movie, if you have nothing to do right now:

Oh my god, wasn't that swell? As swell as any kidnapping-induced movie you've ever made, no doubt.

As it happens, Kim Jong-il was as insane back then as he was in later life, when he tried to convince his countrymen he had no butthole. So he came to believe his kidnap victims were his good friends and let them travel to Austria for a film festival, where they promptly ran to the US embassy and told them the whole man-in-a-rubber-bat-shit-suit crazy story.

*May not be his actual title