I'll take it on the chin right here that, in my original title for this article, I said "awesome." As in, the works of art I'm describing here are awesome. So I'm calling Spider-Man both art and awesome. Now, you're positive I don't mean Spider-Man 3, because what a turd-encrustulated mishap of celluloid skidmarkery that was. And you're right; I don't mean that. And I don't even mean the Amazing Spider-Man movies. Which I could, because they fit the premise, minus the "awesome" part, because no matter how great Emma Stone is ... no. Just no. Those didn't work. Instead, I'm referring to a movie I haven't even seen yet: The announced Spider-Man reboot. Bold? Yes. It's the only way Felix flies. Bold like the mesquiteiest of barbecue sauces.
As you may be aware, Sony owns the film rights to Spider-Man, but their ownership is hinged on tenuous contract chicanery. Basically, if they want to keep Spider-Man, they have to use Spider-Man. It's the use-it-or-lose-it principle of sex appeal and superhero filmmaking. That's why we had to endure a second Uncle Ben murder, Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man, the unfulfilling dubstep villain Jamie "Sparkmeister" Foxx, and a cameo by Paul Giamatti in a full-body trash compactor. Sony had to make those movies, and in years to come, executives will say that at the pearly gates when they have to account for their sins.
Especially the dubstep one.
Sony is all set to reboot Spider-Man again, in what will be their third bite at the same withering apple. But I still feel bold enough to claim "awesome" in my title. (If the editors change my title, then don't worry. We will know the truth, and it'll be our little secret. Just like those other secrets I told you not to tell anyone about, and so help me if you spill the beans.) Why? Because in the new Spider-Man, we will not have to endure Uncle Ben's death. For the first time in the history of superhero movies, someone is just going to assume that we already know who the character is and spare us a lengthy origin story.
Because who the fuck, in 2015 and beyond, doesn't know who Spider-Man is? And even if they don't, why are they going to see his movie? Fuck those people. Fuck everyone who goes to see the 50th goddamn iteration of Superman and wonders, "Golly, where did this Super fellow come from? I'm really interested in his backstory, which was established a million goddamn years ago and is probably more widely known than the story of how our country was founded!"
Instead, the new Spider-Man will let us enjoy just a Spidey adventure, and it may even feature a non-Peter-Parker, nonwhite Spider-Man, just to further shake things up, which is good. And it is all happening because Sony is forced to make these movies, even if they don't want to. Even if they don't want to rake in tens if not hundreds of millions in profit. Must be a hard life.