5) Be in no way surprised when you hear a scream ring out from the living room, followed by a series of exaggerated gasps. The hijacking of your party has begun.
6) In the living room, find your friend Michael face down on the floor with another friend, Vanessa, fake-crying over his "dead" body.
7) After Vanessa cries, "He hath been MURDERED!" in an astonishingly bad English accent, whisk the word "f**k" in a bowl with a dollop of contempt until soft peaks of anger begin to form. Speak the "f**k" immediately, topped with a sprinkle of disappointment.
8) Say, "All right. How have you people decided to take this night from me?"
9) Roll your eyes in a clockwise motion when your buddy Edgar (also in a terrible English accent) decrees, "THERE IS A MURDERER IN OUR MIDST! Who shall take lead of the investigation and bring this MURDERER to justice for his or her heinous crime?"
"Don't look at me."
10) When he asks you, "Will it be ... YOOOOU who solves the crime?" say no. Explain to Edgar that his love of theme parties has gone too far. He throws too many of them, and everyone else is way too OK with that.
11) When Edgar asks, "What ever do you mean?" say, "Your foam party last year -- everyone got pink eye. Your summer Luau -- you didn't need to slaughter the pig in front of us before you roasted it. Children cried. Last week's Christmas party did not necessitate the hiring of little people to play elves. I walked in on an elf shitting in your toilet tank. These parties never go well. I don't see how the murder mystery thing can fare any better. Sorry."