Like you, I want to have advanced knowledge of future events that I can exploit to enrich myself financially, sexually or nutritionally (if I can get a heads up on where to find a McRib, I am on that mother).
Despite doing Kegel exercises regularly, I’ve been unable to hone my own psychic prowess, so I figured I’d have to turn to experts; people who charge several dollars a minute for access to their mysterious gifts. But could I trust these people? I can’t abide charlatans, so I’d have to run some tests.
In order to save money I’d have to get my psychic friends to run a five minute gauntlet of psychicery to prove their worth. The challenge? In that time, I would ask them to tell me what I had in my hand, what I had for breakfast and give an answer to one more or less preposterous and wholly fraudulent question like a more naked Dr. Peter Venkman (oh, right, I'd be naked). It’s on!
The Telemedium website had me hooked right off the bat. To start they were only going to charge me $1.69 per minute. Sixty-nine is hilarious on the Internet, I’m sold! Plus, there’s a long list of psychics I can choose from, it’s not even some random wahoo with specialized knowledge of unknowable events, it’s my choice. And what choices!
Tim there looked promising, and if anyone has seen the astral plane it’s gotta be this guy but alas, he was offline. Luckily they have about 90 psychics to choose from so I also ran Costanza here up the flagpole;
My final choice was this charming looking lady, because I was hoping for some psychic phone sex as I assume she already knows what I like (mostly degradation and threats).
Unfortunately she too was offline, so I had to settle for a middle-aged lady whose picture wasn’t even available. Great.
My new psychic friend was named Claudia and she spoke as slowly and deliberately as any drunk I’ve ever met. I couldn’t decide if this was because she was trying to milk my $1.69 a minute or because she had stroked out just before I called. I didn’t really want to ask. Honestly, she should have known I wanted to know, but that’s neither here nor there.
Since I didn’t have time or finances to beat around the bush, I cut to the chase. In my hand was the one item I always have handy when I’m doing research: a boxed set of the
trilogy. I asked Claudia to tell me what I was holding.
He’s a cop and a robo? This movie really speaks to me.
With only a minor stumble that I think was the beginning of a “wha?” Claudia quickly changed directions and explained how she connects with my spirit guides to glean information from me and they show her what I need to know, not always what I want to know. You crafty bitch.
I tell her it was all three