The Telemedium website had me hooked right off the bat.Â To start they were only going to charge me $1.69 per minute.Â Sixty-nine is hilarious on the Internet, Iâm sold!Â Plus, thereâs a long list of psychics I can choose from, itâs not even some random wahoo with specialized knowledge of unknowable events, itâs my choice.Â And what choices!
Tim there looked promising, and if anyone has seen the astral plane itâs gotta be this guy but alas, he was offline.Â Luckily they have about 90 psychics to choose from so I also ran Costanza here up the flagpole;
My final choice was this charming looking lady, because I was hoping for some psychic phone sex as I assume she already knows what I like (mostly degradation and threats).
Unfortunately she too was offline, so I had to settle for a middle-aged lady whose picture wasnât even available.Â Great.
My new psychic friend was named Claudia and she spoke as slowly and deliberately as any drunk Iâve ever met.Â I couldnât decide if this was because she was trying to milk my $1.69 a minute or because she had stroked out just before I called.Â I didnât really want to ask. Honestly, she should have known I wanted to know, but thatâs neither here nor there.
Since I didnât have time or finances to beat around the bush, I cut to the chase.Â In my hand was the one item I always have handy when Iâm doing research: a boxed set of the
trilogy.Â I asked Claudia to tell me what I was holding.
Heâs a cop and a robo? This movie really speaks to me.
With only a minor stumble that I think was the beginning of a âwha?â Claudia quickly changed directions and explained how she connects with my spirit guides to glean information from me and they show her what I need to know, not always what I want to know.Â You crafty bitch.
I tell her it was all three RoboCop
films on DVD, including the subpar third movie and for a second Iâm met with silence before she asks me what has been concerning me lately.Â Is there something thatâs being weighing heavy on me?Â Something Iâm stressed over?Â Damn right there has, what did I have for breakfast?
As though Iâm talking to an even-tempered and potentially medicated wall, Claudia continues as though I have said nothing at all.Â Sheâs getting that I have some concerns about money.Â Have I had some expenses lately that are troubling to me?Â Yes.Â My breakfast.
I havenât seen this many greasy meat tubes since I was an altar boy (ba dum bum).
The clock is ticking and I refuse to question this woman about my sausage any longerÂ (I had sausage for breakfast, incidentally).Â I jump right into the big guns by explaining to her my beloved uncle Jeremy was lost at sea two weeks ago while out tuna fishing.Â Is he OK?
Inexplicably this question slows her down even more and Iâm positive Iâve wasted over $10 at this point.Â She tells me she sees water and darkness and it feels cold.Â She tells me my uncle was definitely in the water and now, wherever he is, heâs lost.Â Heâs partially crossed over but she isnât sure if that means he has died or possibly in a coma.