II. Install bamboo wind chimes and a strategically placed low-voltage computer fan somewhere near your desk. Keep the fan going night and day.

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Just jack the one off of your processor. Modern computers don't generate heat.

III. Sponge-paint the walls. This might seem optional, but it isn't. Sponging works on virtually any surface. Make the base coat darker and the next coat lighter. Stick with satiny and faux glaze textures. Or any texture, really.

IV. Use a Dell computer model I15RV-477BLK SKU: 8786054. And get plenty of extra memory, but not too much. Ask your Dell support person what I mean.

V. Buy a mechanical egg timer that can be set for seven-minute intervals. Time yourself constantly until you can get it down to five minutes.

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In a pinch, sand will do, but you'll need a second timer to make sure it's correct.

II. ARISTOTLE: He hints that incongruity is the basis for humor, and thus his favorite example of comedic writing is this story excerpt: "... and as he walked, beneath his feet were -- chilblains (a painful, itching swelling on the skin, typically on a hand or foot)." Although the comedy is a tad on the nose, his explanation is the special sauce.

III. KANT: He explains that "Laughter is an affection arising from the sudden transformation of a strained expectation into nothing." As an example, Kant provides this cute bit: "An Indian at the table of an Englishman in Surat, when he saw a bottle of ale opened and all the beer turned into froth and overflowing, testified his great astonishment with many exclamations. When the Englishman asked him, 'What is there in this to astonish you so much?' he answered, 'I am not at all astonished that it should flow out, but I do wonder how you ever got it in.'" As we say in the business, "You can't write shit that good."

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Feel free to use that one to impress your friends. They will appreciate your wit.

IV. ME: I once said, "All comedy is anger -- essentially just people yelling at each other." As I like to tell my students, "If they ain't screaming at each other, fix it!" But at the same time, let me add a caveat: Make sure that if you don't have something nice to say, then say nothing at all. Humor is not about poking fun. Just think about that word: "poking." Suddenly it's not so funny, is it?

III. The Write What You Know Trick: Your own experiences are like gold -- they are yours and yours alone. Don't squander them. For example, if you have a favorite episode of Kramer, write that one. (Bonus tip: If you TiVo the episode, it's easier to get the words just perfect. If you think TiVo is too "yesterday," then contact your cable provider and ask about their digital recording package.)

IV. The Wacky Next Door Neighbor Trick: When you include the wacky neighbor in your pilot, don't give him or her a devastating skin condition. If this is a temptation, ask yourself a few questions: A) Why am I doing this to my show? B) Is there an ointment?

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There is. And that ointment is "comedy."

V. The ABV Trick: Always be vulgar. Year after year, we get more data that vulgar is what males from 13 to 37 want. And, other than females, males are your most important audience. If you don't believe me, try this demonstration: I am now going to print a phrase chosen on purpose to make you uncomfortable: "sanitary napkin." Right? It gets your attention! And then you laugh to relieve pent-up energy "normally used to repress hostile and sexual feelings." (Freud)