A quick glance at Craigslist will demonstrate gay men outnumber straight women about 100 to 0. There are 100 gay men for every woman who is not on Craigslist. That meant gay was the way to go. I posted this ad confident I'd find some slightly left-of-center gay fellow, but I may have pressed my luck too much with the photo or the colorful description, as no one replied at all. New York is not balloon-sex country. I should have tried Florida. On to Ad #3:
A woman looking for a man. Actually, you'll notice, I clicked the wrong button without realizing it and made her a party girl -- she wants multiple men! That's my girl. I thought I'd have to be pretty exclusive for this to work, knowing as I know how likely dudes are to want to hump literally anything that may have even been in a room with a vagina once. What's gross enough to eliminate a large portion of the "normal" people looking for group sex on Craigslist? Poop.
The ad reads like it's written by a mentally disturbed person or an online comedy writer who should have tried harder. The first three sentences really push it, but the bit about dressing it like a doll seemed over the top. How over the top? Look here.
Also, the ending about "lips like a batfish" seemed like a game-changer, but no one mentioned it. Fourteen people replied. My heart sank a little with each new email. I guess I hadn't considered how a conversation develops between two strangers who only connected via a desire to have group poop fun. Have you ever considered that? I suspect not. And do you know how you'd initiate such a conversation? Well, let me tell you, there's a wide range of ways men broach this subject, and none made me feel better about this stupid idea, especially the one who posed with his penis wrapped around a can of Coke. Or the guy who looked like the hirsute bastard child of Andy Samberg and Sly Stallone who sent me five full-body nude photos while he stared longingly into the lens, as if to say, "My furry body is going to be the last thing you see before you die if you respond to this."