I guess I could hope that not everyone in front of me gets the TV. That sounds risky though. Spending hours waiting in the cold to buy a television is stupid. But, spending hours waiting in the cold to not buy a television? That's getting-laughed-at-during-your-eulogy stupid.
This is disgusting. Just a bunch of people huddled up on the sidewalk, shivering under blankets with their bodies and smells. And not just regular people. Gross computer people. I wonder if the recent uptick in bedbug infestations has anything to do with the parallel increase in Apple product launches.
Aaron P. Bernstein/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The "i" in iPhone stands for "itchytasty."
Fuck it, I'm staying. If anyone tries to take the last plasma in front of me, I will go absolutely bananas on them. The doors will open, and I will go straight for the TVs, and, if there aren't enough, then I will execute Plan Omega, and go for the back of the legs of someone carrying a TV.
Yeah, that's right. I'm going to start wailing on people because I want to buy a $900 television for $500. Because that's the world we live in. I always thought when we reached the dystopic future that there would be some kind of sign, such as a robot Pope, or a lot more leather armor.
Lisa Maree Williams/Getty Images News/Getty Images
RoboPope's Laser Of Excommunication would guarantee him the first spot in line, every time.
OK, reeling my insanity back a couple ticks, there must be another way to whittle down this line a bit -- something that doesn't herald the end of mankind.
I bet if I offer to give this guy a back rub, he'll bolt. There is no way he's got the nerve to stand in front of Crazy Back Rub Man for eight more hours.
Unless he does. He might actually be into it. Dammit. I'm not even very good at back rubs. We would get halfway through, he would totally call me out on my lack of skills, and I would look like a fool.
I'm definitely glad I brought my good jacket. It is stupid cold tonight. My penis has retracted so far inside my body that I've got myself pregnant.
Man, that would be an ugly baby.
No bottle for you -- just a paper bag with eyeholes and an apology to the world.