No, dammit. This television will make me happy. I know it. And that's the worst part: This television will make me happy. I'm not even human anymore, am I?
I bet if a caveman saw me, he wouldn't recognize me as a man. He would think that I smelled like death. He would leave me to die with the rest of these sickly specimens, go off to kill something with a spear, and then fill my girlfriend with strong, powerful babies. And I would respect him for it.
When this is all said and done, I'm going into the woods, and I'm going to kill something with my bare hands. Even if it's a bag of Cheetos. Every fucking holiday season, I get this conviction that I need to go eat Cheetos in the woods, but, this year, I'm going to do something about it.
I guess I could hope that not everyone in front of me gets the TV. That sounds risky though. Spending hours waiting in the cold to buy a television is stupid. But, spending hours waiting in the cold to not buy a television? That's getting-laughed-at-during-your-eulogy stupid.
This is disgusting. Just a bunch of people huddled up on the sidewalk, shivering under blankets with their bodies and smells. And not just regular people. Gross computer people. I wonder if the recent uptick in bedbug infestations has anything to do with the parallel increase in Apple product launches.
Aaron P. Bernstein/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The "i" in iPhone stands for "itchytasty."