What time is it, children? Why, the only time it can be! Time to pick and choose our Christmas delights from this year's Pumblechook & Figg mercantile catalog. Do not quarrel and pretend you want puerile gifts like the magic iPad mirror or the Box of X. They are not listed herein and therefore cannot bring Christmas joy.
This year we bring you our extended catalog featuring edible gifts. Gather ye round the fire for another Yuletide reading of the Pumblechook & Figg holiday gift compendium. But first, fetch Papa a cup of cocoa and port, that we may begin.
Brendan edits articles about booze, sex, and video games for a living, so there's nothing he needs for Christmas. But you can wish him the explosive Yuletide joy of 1,000 Baby Christs on Twitter @brendanmcginley.
As 2013 draws to a close, be sure to check out Cracked's year in review because, well, we know you don't remember it half as well as you think.
Related Reading: Everything wrong with Glenn Beck can be found in his production of The Christmas Sweater, and Brendan put this lunacy to patriotic use in Four Insane Solutions to America's Biggest Problems.
Boiled egg -- Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Chiropractic -- Thinkstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Chocolate diamond -- Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Corpse bouquet -- Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Dagwood sandwich -- Jupiterimages/liquidlibrary/Getty Images
Duck Dynasty hat -- history.com
Electronic pear -- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Foxy female assassins -- Creatas/Creatas/Getty Images
History drag -- Medioimages/Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
Hobo1 -- Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Hobo2 -- Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Imploding house -- NA/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Lingerie -- Bryan Bedder/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Live chicken -- John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Long pig links -- Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Mosquito caricature -- DownloadPhotos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Nameless Ones -- Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images
Peppermint bark -- Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Pickled goat penis -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Quinquagintacon -- Burke/Triolo Productions/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Racist clowns -- Thinkstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Sexbot -- Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Sexy bubble wrap suit -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Sushi basket -- Jupiterimages/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Tinhat -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Snakeball -- Ablestock.com/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Zedcor Wholly Owned/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Brand X Pictures/Stockbyte/Getty Images