26 Items from the Worst Gift Catalog Possible

Since 1831, Pumblechook & Figg, Impourter of Thynges, has brought you, the consumer, any manner of mercantile goods to fill the ever-expanding sense of despair in your daily doings. Since then, P&F has grown into the world's leading supplier of everything, with warehouses on every block in the world. If we don't have it, you're making it up like a goddamn liar.


O, lucky sir or madam! How jealous we are of you, for you grasp in your hands no mere catalog, but the once-only joy of beholding Pumblechook & Figg's glories for the first time! And also because you have known what love is, a feeling we ache to know for even one burning second!

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So from our massive family to your paltry, probably starving one, Merry Holiday Season. May your wrens be lively, and your pickled plums inedible.

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Brendan came up with the ultimate list of Gifts You Actually Want. It being the holiday, you can find him making merry on the Twitter @brendanmcginley.

Remember the time Brendan enlisted to fight in the War on Christmas? Caught and hung (that's right, ladies) as a spy, his only regret was that he had but one joke to tell for his country.

Tree Imp -- Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Magic Mistletoe -- Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Fancy Jam-- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Fruitcake -- Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images
Caveman Tools -- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Gun -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Cheese -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Circular Saw -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Wheel -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Child Chef -- Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
Doghouse -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Plane Wings -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Evil Box -- PhotoObjects.net/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Toddler -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Mustache Rides -- Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Records -- Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
Phonograph Cylinder -- Wikipedia
Soda Maker -- Sodastream via Bloomingdales
Vibrating Device -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Underwear -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Stockings -- Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
Soap Basket -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
Vacuum -- Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
Surrealism -- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Doctor -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images

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