"Whaddup, assholes; my dad owns the moon."
Ah, prom -- that special time of year where American girlchildren dress like immortal space princesses. The intricate beading, copious sparkles, and soft, flowing fabrics are supposed to look generally flattering and feminine, but we all know the real goal is to make everyone else at the catering hall think the dress-wearer's father is some sort of all-powerful interplanetary oligarch with limitless wealth and space capabilities. Here are 25 prom dresses that say "Maybe you haven't heard, but my dad legit just bought the moon for like a trillion dollars."
"Hi, we're twins. And no, we don't have a secret language, so don't even ask. Like, that's the dumbest possible question. Why do people always ask that? It's so bizarre. We're just two normal, average, regular sisters whose dad owns the moon. Like, deal with it."
"This dress' train is perfect for making big trails in the dust, so I can write 'MY DAD OWNS THIS' on the moon big enough for people on Earth to see it. Hee hee!"
"Hahaha, ohhhhh man, that reminds me of this hilarious thing that happened at my old school. One time our teacher got so pissed because everyone was texting memes to each other under our desks, so she, like, threw her dry erase marker, like a total freakout, but the marker kept going into space because my old school was on the moon."
This dress says "All of you will bow down and worship me as I ride my chariot across the sky, just as soon as I get my learners permit."
"No, no, no, my AUNT is a big-game hunter, not my dad. My dad owns the moon."
"s**t, I left my dress at home and all I have is a black tablecloth and a bunch of tiles from the Mexico Pavilion at Epcot. No one will notice if I fashion a dress out of a black tablecloth and a bunch of tiles from the Mexico Pavilion at Epcot, right? What am I even saying, of course they won't -- I'm the most popular girl in school. 'Cuz my dad owns the moon."
Left: "Our limo driver asked us if we were models. LOL!!!!"
Right: "My dad owns the moon."
"Just airin' out m'pits! My dad owns the moon."
"I'm sort of dating this guy who's a fashion designer slash artist or something weird like that. He made me this dress, and I kind of hate it? But also, like, I kind of love it? My dad hates it, but he hates everything -- everything except the moon."
"Oh hey, didn't see you there, was just over here, thinkin' about what I'm gonna do on the moon this summer, because my dad owns it. He owns the moon. My dad does. Own it. The moon."
"Everyone's. Always. Beep. So mean. To me. Borp. Just. Because I'm. Beep borp. A space robot. Beep borp borp. I'm quirky and I love art."
"Nothin' to see here. Just hangin' out in my moon dress."
"UGH, NUTS. I left my fold-up ballet flats on the moon, where my dad sometimes lives. Can the driver stop by CVS? I need to buy some fold-up ballet flats for later. My feet get so swollen here on Earth!!! My dad owns the moon."
"Weep, Earth mortals! I got into f*****g Barnard!"
"Hey y'all! I'm just a down-home country girl who loves huntin'! Also, my family is enormously wealthy and my dad owns a controlling stake in the moon."
Left: "Aww, look, Mr. K is chaperoning again, even though he's mega old. Like, he looks like he's going to break in half. What is he, 90?"
Right: "My dad owns the moon."
"MY DAD OWNS A SUPERMARKET!!!!!"
"No time to talk. I'm about to get picked up by my date, the prince of the moon. He's an incredible dancer and is probably gay, but I don't care."
"Ahahahaha, oh my God, Bethany's running around telling everyone her dad owns the moon when really he just bought Amalthea, which is a moon of Jupiter and, like, it's barely a moon; it's not even round!!! Bethany's too-f*****g-much honestly, like, I die. She is killing me with that s**t. Everyone knows my dad owns the moon."
"Shhh, I'm trying to find my phone, and it's on vibrate. I think I hear it in my -- nope, not in my bag ... not in the bathroom ... maybe it's in the -- ah, nope, I just remembered: It's at my parents' house on the moon. Dammit!!"
"AHHH! WHO PUT THIS f*****g BOX HERE??? THAT'S A BIG MISTAKE. DON'T YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? HE'S GARY MOON. THE GARY MOON. YOU'RE ALL GOING TO SPACE JAIL!!! SOMEBODY GET ME AN ICE PACK!!!"
"And so I say to you, fellow graduates of the Class of 2016: Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, that's honestly better, because my dad owns it."
See why the SAT is a joke in 5 Tests Everyone Trusts (That Are Shockingly Inaccurate) and find out why Soren wore a dress in The Summer I Wore a Dress: An Interview with My Parents.
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This should have resulted in years of therapy.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.