Chris Bucholz
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Statistically speaking, you don't have a trident. You've probably never even considered having a trident. And, as is the case with every other damned thing you've done in your life, you're wrong. Your life is a shambles, idiot.
Here's why. Below are 20 things you could be doing right now with a trident.
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This is the original use case for a trident, and still a popular one. Basically, you use your trident to attack fish that are close to you or intimidate fish a bit further away.
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Much in the same way you could be stabbing a fish with a trident right now, you could be stabbing a mugger, or a forger, or someone committing a regicide. The local constabulary will be incredibly grateful for your assistance and may soon install a massive trident-themed searchlight on the roof of their station they'll use when they need your help.
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Tridents increase your range, power, and speed in the buffet line, leading to a massive improvement in your gluttony percentage and on-plate ratio. They're banned on the professional buffet circuit for a reason, but there's no reason to let that stop you from dominating the floor at your local Golden Corral.
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Speaking of food, a trident can also be used for defensive feeding. If your job or familial duties require you to feed dangerous animals, a trident might be just the tool you need to end up spending more time with your kids and less time in the ER.
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There's a certain intimidation factor that comes with carrying any weapon openly, and folks, a trident can't be carried any other way. Which makes a trident a very handy instrument if you're employed as a doorman somewhere, especially any nautical-themed clubs.
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This is sort of like the buffet use-case, and if you're at a Sizzler, almost identical. Basically, you're just using a trident's natural forking ability to tidy up your municipality. You probably won't get a searchlight mounted on the roof of any buildings for this, but you will improve the livability of your community and increase civic engagement. And that's not nothing.
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A trident is obviously a pretty effective piercing weapon and is more than capable of disabling someone's tires, creating space for merging. Also, you'll find you have more space on the motorways in general, again primarily due to the intimidation factor that comes with a motorist waving a trident out of his or her driver's side window.
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Everyone remembers the candidate who brings a goddamned trident to an interview. Strengths? The trident. Weaknesses? Nope, got a trident. References? Three pointy ones, sir.
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When I first saw this tip on one of the trident blogs I regularly read, I assumed it was about popping balloons, and yeah, you can definitely do that with a trident. But don't let that limit your imagination; a trident could also easily ruin presents, steal cake, or terrorize a clown, all from a far greater distance than you might normally conduct such activities.
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Polearms were very effective weapons right up until the age of gunpowder. A trident is a little ornate for organized bloodshed, but it still does the job nicely. How you might end up involved in an ancient war is another matter, but from personal experience I can tell you that when you have a trident you will end up fantasizing about this a lot.
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The premise of the singularity is that as technology advances at an ever-increasing rate, we will eventually reach a point where we will be unable to predict what the future -- even the very near future -- holds. When this happens, it's possible, even probable that all of humanity will find itself turned into shirtless, trident-wielding cyborgs. If that happens, you're going to look damned stupid if you end up bringing a gun to a trident fight.
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A trident opens up several interesting possibilities on the professional billiard trick-shot circuit. You'll obviously need some practice to do this, and also a pretty accommodating billiard table owner.
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Marshmallows are the most obvious thing to toast, but you could do this with almost anything, really. Hot dogs. Uh .... fish. Toast itself, I suppose, if you have the training.
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This is another variation of the intimidation theme that crops up all the time when you carry a trident. Not only does no one want to sit beside the man or woman with a trident, neither do many bus drivers, granting you incredible flexibility in your commute, provided you can drive such a heavy vehicle yourself.
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Cheese classes up any gathering, and a trident will enable you to impress your guests from further away than ever before.
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A trident can serve as a reasonably effective aerator, loosening up the soil of your lawn. This makes it easier for nutrients and water to penetrate deeper, which results in a thicker, greener lawn and will no doubt lead to much jealous whispering and curtain-twitching among your neighbors.
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Aerating a child offers far fewer benefits than it does a lawn, but the threat of aerating a child can work wonders. There's a reason you'll see a trident mounted on the wall in most daycares (look carefully -- it's always there).
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For many of the same reasons they're used in daycares, the Devil has used trident-shaped implements for years. If you work in middle management or otherwise have to torment a lot of people at your job, consider hooking yourself up with a trident.
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Also! Tridents are great for sinning! I don't want to go into all the details on how you could use a trident in a sexual way, but just know that they do exist, that they hurt like hell, that some people are really into that, and that that's OK. If you're into that, rad man, you fork you.
And speaking of sinning, you could always ...
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And here we loop back to the original use case of the trident, except replacing the fish with someone who needs their day fucked up. This could be something as simple as stabbing them, obviously, but by now you should have a lot more understanding of the abilities of your trident. You could also:
Strike them
Crosscheck them
Wreck their blimp
Seduce their mate
Crosscheck their mate
Knock something out of their hands
Comb their mate's hair from a great distance
Twirl up a great big ball of their spaghetti and then eat it
Miscellaneous Hijinks
And the list goes on from there.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and just a delight for airport security agents. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw is available for preorder now! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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