Much in the same way you could be stabbing a fish with a trident right now, you could be stabbing a mugger, or a forger, or someone committing a regicide. The local constabulary will be incredibly grateful for your assistance and may soon install a massive trident-themed searchlight on the roof of their station they'll use when they need your help.

Speaking of food, a trident can also be used for defensive feeding. If your job or familial duties require you to feed dangerous animals, a trident might be just the tool you need to end up spending more time with your kids and less time in the ER.

This is sort of like the buffet use-case, and if you're at a Sizzler, almost identical. Basically, you're just using a trident's natural forking ability to tidy up your municipality. You probably won't get a searchlight mounted on the roof of any buildings for this, but you will improve the livability of your community and increase civic engagement. And that's not nothing.

Everyone remembers the candidate who brings a goddamned trident to an interview. Strengths? The trident. Weaknesses? Nope, got a trident. References? Three pointy ones, sir.

Polearms were very effective weapons right up until the age of gunpowder. A trident is a little ornate for organized bloodshed, but it still does the job nicely. How you might end up involved in an ancient war is another matter, but from personal experience I can tell you that when you have a trident you will end up fantasizing about this a lot.

A trident opens up several interesting possibilities on the professional billiard trick-shot circuit. You'll obviously need some practice to do this, and also a pretty accommodating billiard table owner.

This is another variation of the intimidation theme that crops up all the time when you carry a trident. Not only does no one want to sit beside the man or woman with a trident, neither do many bus drivers, granting you incredible flexibility in your commute, provided you can drive such a heavy vehicle yourself.

A trident can serve as a reasonably effective aerator, loosening up the soil of your lawn. This makes it easier for nutrients and water to penetrate deeper, which results in a thicker, greener lawn and will no doubt lead to much jealous whispering and curtain-twitching among your neighbors.

For many of the same reasons they're used in daycares, the Devil has used trident-shaped implements for years. If you work in middle management or otherwise have to torment a lot of people at your job, consider hooking yourself up with a trident.

And here we loop back to the original use case of the trident, except replacing the fish with someone who needs their day fucked up. This could be something as simple as stabbing them, obviously, but by now you should have a lot more understanding of the abilities of your trident. You could also:

Strike them
Crosscheck them
Wreck their blimp
Seduce their mate
Crosscheck their mate
Knock something out of their hands
Comb their mate's hair from a great distance
Twirl up a great big ball of their spaghetti and then eat it
Miscellaneous Hijinks

And the list goes on from there.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and just a delight for airport security agents. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw is available for preorder now! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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