The
CB2 was back in the news this week, a year or so after he first made headlines for looking like an infant crossed with a colostomy bag. Clicking through the news, I was glad to see that he hadnât made any further progress in not looking terrifying, and none of the scientists working on him appeared to have any skin missing. Everything must be completely safe, right?
âNot necessarily,â I replied to my own rhetorical question. Even though hack comedy writers have
obsessed over Japanese nuttiness for years, one thing that doesnât get a lot of attention is their fascination with robots. Unlike western audiences, who have learned to fear robots thanks to fictional works like
The Terminator and
Blade Runner, the Japanese have
Astro Boy and their own tormented dreams to thank for a mental image of robots that looks like helpful fleshy teddy bears. Consequently, while the rest of the world was meeting girls and experimenting with drugs, Japan has spent the past 30 years working to bring robots into the world, as if the whole nation was some sort of hideous metal vagina.
And on that note, letâs get to the comedy! Here's 20 Japanese Robots (plus some accessories) that, for various reasons, I suspect to be intent on murdering you and everything you hold dear.
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Sure itâs only six inches tall right now, and leashed to a computer, but can you honestly tell me, with fists shaped like that, that this thing is meant for anything other than being sent into the past to kill me for trying to warn the world about it?
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This is a special type of robot that can skitter about like an insect and terrify cats. Oh, it can jump too.
Thatâs right, Japan has made a fucking robot
head-crab.
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This industrial robot is capable of determining if an object placed upon its sensor is a wheel. âBeep,â it says cheerfully during the demonstration. The audience applauds. "I've got them right where I want them," it thinks to itself.
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Japanâs got lots of robot competitions. Remember those robot wars shows that were really popular with guys like you a few years back? Well in Japan they've got the same thing, except without any stupid wedge cars, and the robots are bipedal and playing more complicated sports like soccer or competitive diving. Hereâs the winner of one of these competitions, with his winning robot slung over one shoulder, and his prize, which appears to be a bag of fertilizer. What use could fertilizer be for a robot? Oh, that's right,
terror.
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According to the press release accompanying this photo, this fully articulated snake-bot is notable for the fact that it can move both on land and
in water and wants desperately to understand the human concept of âhugs.â
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Hereâs a different version of the snake-bot, beside what is presumably its primary fuel source.
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Assuming this man is riding in this robot, and not being consumed by it, which is admittedly wishful thinking on my part, this appears to be some sort of commuting device/mobilized robotic armor. Not quite Macross, but I guess weâre getting there.
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Hereâs the âsupermodelâ robot that made the news recently. It's not very attractive, so I'm guessing the big appeal is it can do cocaine a lot faster than regular models?
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And hereâs the ass shot, for the 10 percent of you interested in that sort of thing, but wonât cop to it. And also for the three percent of you who would fill the comments section with âass pix plz thnxâ comments.
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Chris Bucholz
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