I am sorry about the quality of the candy canes that I was distributing. Obviously all candy canes are pretty awful, with that barely tolerable peppermint taste and horrible plasticky texture. Candy canes are like a prank the Grinch played on us one year, and now we've somehow forgotten they were a cruel joke and just keep eating them. I didn't even buy these candy canes. You're the ones who should be apologizing to me.
But you're not, and I knew you wouldn't when I opted to replace the candy canes myself, which brings me around to my next apology ... the replacement candy canes. Despite promises, the people of Yao Bang! Champion Confectionary! simply did not have the quality control necessary to be a part of our Christmas tradition. I honestly don't know what they were thinking putting gross liqueurs into hollowed candy canes, and no, I'm still not going to entertain the notion that they were not liqueurs.
I am sorry that while on candy cane distribution duty, I told the children that Santa is obligated to tell them to be good in school, but that in reality, being "good enough" in school was also ok, and "having a brother who could get you beer" was best.
I am sorry about the repeated advances I made towards Mrs. Claus. In my defense, the fact that she was being paid money to pretend to be married to multiple different men suggested to me that she would be agreeable to what I was proposing. Out of respect for Mrs. Claus's privacy I will not go in to any specifics only that everything I proposed was meant to be conducted in accordance with the Christmas spirit of giving.
I am sorry for using the children to pass messages to Mrs Claus for me. The content of these messages were, thankfully, beyond the comprehension of most of these children, and in many cases were meaningless without additional information. (e.g. "Wink at her and then say 'Up, down and all around,' and then wink again.")
I am not sorry that the propellant used in the cans of fake snow we used to touch up Santa's Workshop provides a mild high when inhaled. That was the manufacturers fault, or possibly yours.
However, some of the things I did with the fake snow do warrant an apology, including:
- Inhaling it to experience a mild high.
- Spraying it down the front of my pants to experience a mild tickling effect.
- Spraying it down the front of my pants while licking my lips and staring at the cashier from Forever21 across the hall.
- Stealing and then concealing several cases in the mall's HVAC system, causing an explosion, a three hour evacuation, seven hospitalizations, and a mild high.
I am sorry about suggesting to the children that they request extravagant gifts that their parents could never hope to afford, and then quietly directing said parents to my cousin Barry in the back hallway beside the phone booths, who could get them exactly that item "off the truck."
I am equally sorry about the series of receipt switching and return scams Barry, myself, and by extension, the entire institution of Christmas, have been implicated in.
Finally I am sorry about my escape from the mall security corps on December 17th, and the damage caused as a result. Because of man's irrepressible desire to be free, and the snow clearing operations in the parking lot, I was forced to make my escape by traveling through the mall itself, as was Barry, whose own irrepressible desire to be free and the stuck passenger door on my Tercel, forced him to cling to the crazy carpet portion of Mr. Elf's Enchanting Sleigh Ride during his escape. Most of all, I'm sorry for the damage caused to Mrs. Claus's pelvis, which was at least partially my fault, though mostly Barry's, since he was the one who ran into her. Maybe Barry should be writing you an apology letter.
I'm sorry that Barry will not be writing you an apology letter because of the impact/fake snow related coma he is now in.
Chris Xerxes Bucholz
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