I am sorry about the late afternoon of December 9th, when I used my power as Line Elf to manipulate the length of the line. Having spent considerable time being denied admission to the hottest bars in town, I think I let the power go to my head. I'd like to say I intended to make Santa look more popular than he was by keeping the line long, but really I think I was just trying to get single women to flirt their way to the head of the line.
I am sorry for "Mr. Elf's Enchanting Sleigh Rides," the short lived business venture I established just outside the front doors of the Cederoak Shopping Center, which consisted of me wailing around the parking lot with a child clinging to a crazy carpet tied to the rear bumper of my Tercel. This would have been a poorly thought out plan if it had been snowing out, and with the bare pavement... well, I think we can all agree that the lack of serious injuries can only be proof there is a God who cares. So in a way, I've proved God exists. That's pretty Christmassy, hey? Maybe mention it on your website next season.
I am sorry about the quality of the candy canes that I was distributing. Obviously all candy canes are pretty awful, with that barely tolerable peppermint taste and horrible plasticky texture. Candy canes are like a prank the Grinch played on us one year, and now we've somehow forgotten they were a cruel joke and just keep eating them. I didn't even buy these candy canes. You're the ones who should be apologizing to me.
But you're not, and I knew you wouldn't when I opted to replace the candy canes myself, which brings me around to my next apology ... the replacement candy canes. Despite promises, the people of Yao Bang! Champion Confectionary! simply did not have the quality control necessary to be a part of our Christmas tradition. I honestly don't know what they were thinking putting gross liqueurs into hollowed candy canes, and no, I'm still not going to entertain the notion that they were not liqueurs.