Coming Soon: The Most Unnecessary Comic Book Reboot Ever

What if I told you that a decades-old comic book character known the world over was about to get a massive, multi-issue prequel/relaunch that would massively redefine all we thought we knew about said character? Then what if I told you that character was Archie? You've just experienced nerd blueballs. Unless of course you’re one of the Archie fans who has, according to this article apparently written by Jughead himself, been "clamoring" for such a wild tale of non-threatening coming of age in an increasingly anachronistic version of the 1950’s. Except, you know, not so racy. And despite the potential for confused threesomes between Arch, Veronica, and Blondie (Or is it Dagwood?), I doubt that me and the “Clamoring Archie fan” in question would get along very well. Mainly because I assume a lot of things about his physical appearance and manner, which kind of makes me a dick. And what else have the “countless Archie fans” been “clamoring for?” The environment, naturally, which is why the Archie prequel issues will be printed entirely on recycled paper. This creates two distinct advantages: Archie and the Gang’s raging acne won’t be nearly as noticeable through chunks of embedded wood grain, and if you accidentally use the pages to wipe your ass, no harm no foul. Of course, you run the risk of offending ace

Archie writer Batton Lash, who also penned the homoerotic rape fantasy comic “Archie Meets the Punisher” in 1994, but didn’t have sense enough to kill Archie off in a whips and chains malfunction. He’s The Punisher, Batton. He kills everyone. Yet this gang of Riverdale punks outflanks him? That’s not my Frank Castle. My Frank Castle is still tormented by memories of rooting elbow-deep through Jellybean's entrails looking for a key of Colombian blow. Hey! Let’s do this now! Things The Archie Prequels Would Have To Include For Me To Want to Read Them:

An existential stand-off erupting when the gang runs into Bazooka Joe and friends, who assume their personalities (Mort as Jughead, and so on) in an effort to escape their gum-smeared two-panel Hell.

The gang have a rude awakening when Reggie notices that Betty has been topless for the last eight months.

Everyone gets a bonus day off of school when Principal Weatherbee overdoses on sleeping pills in his office. Can you say beach party?!

Betty’s mother, Mrs. Alice Cooper, embraces her namesake and starts a satanical goat-slaying ring in her basement with the gals from the Bridge Club.

Marmaduke, Garfield, The Family Circus, and the Scooby Doo and Jabber Jaw gangs all blow into Riverdale for a big pancake dinner at the church, which then explodes, trapping them all inside to slowly burn to death while a deranged, mysterious, yet physically irresistible blogger character laughs maniacally form a nearby hilltop, hands still gripped tight around the depressed TNT plunger.

Archie and Veronica bone for issues at a time. Jughead can watch.

Batton Lash, I know you read the blog, because the entire plotline of the “Archie Goes to a Dance” issue was ripped off from my post about Shia LeBouff’s arrest. Put no less than three of the above points into the Archie prequels, and all is forgiven. Although I won’t be reading them, so if you do, write and let me know.

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael avenges the murder of his family as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!