And so, after ridding the school of hateful, whispering girls with kicks from your powerful hind legs, your bully clambers atop your back and rides around on you and strokes your glorious mane while the crowd cheers. The appeal of this fantasy is so obvious, it's no wonder every normal teenage boy has it.
Using the Bully to Hit the Martyrs
Turning a former bully into a friend, and then turning that friend into a club is perhaps the most common fantasy of all. There are a few variants to this fantasy, although the most typical involves you now as the pilot of a large, multi-horse, Voltron-type creature. Obviously.
"Oh my god!"
"Look at that!"
"This concept really defeated his Photoshop abilities, didn't it?"
Bullies, being thicker than most people, make excellent clubs and are perfect for attacking the softer people in your school, the ones who look like you and that you secretly hate. "Take that, me!" we all shout in the back of 10th grade math class, eyes clenched, ignoring the sound of desks scraping on the floor as the rest of the room slowly edges away from us.
All just a normal part of growing up.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and turned out just fine. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out 5 Brilliant Ways Historical Figures Dealt With Their Haters and 7 Brilliantly Poetic Phrases Accidentally Invented by Sports.
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