Chris Bucholz
Few of our readers know that Cracked's full legal name is the "Cracked Foundation for Scholastic Achievement," and has been since 2008, when we discovered we couldn't register as a religion because of all the swear words we'd published. This name comes with certain responsibilities though, and according to our lawyers, if we don't do at least one thing a year to actually address scholastic achievement, we will all go to prison. Our lawyers then pointed out that we will not do well in prison, and made several uncomfortable hand gestures to illustrate this fact. Upon hearing this, we immediately agreed to "address scholastic achievement, and then sprinted from the room before the lawyers could tell us what they meant by "address." Which should make everything that happens next in this article nice and legal. So, with final exams just around the corner for millions of college students, Cracked has slapped together what we believe to be the most exam-tacular preparation tips those spoon-fed ivory tower eggheads will have ever seen. If you are one of those sneering liberal elites, choose to follow this advice to the letter, and don't get seven A's and a handshake from the mayor, we at Cracked promise to all feel
For every subject you're studying, write down key facts and figures on a set of index cards. By carrying these cards around with you, you'll be able to refer to them during spare minutes and other down time, enabling you to study on the bus, on the toilet, or while going to the toilet on the bus.
Tip #2: Highlighter Use a highlighter to color words in your books. This will make it feel like you're actually studying. Actually studying involves reading the words, which is also good, but much more time consuming, and frankly discriminatory against people who don't want to read.
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Tip #3: Study Group Try joining a study group to help you prepare for exams. Assign sections of the material to each person in the group, then make that person provide a summary of the key information in that section to the rest of the group. Because the effectiveness of this technique depends on the people involved, finding the right study group is important. An easy trick for this: if you can't tell which one of your study friends is the dumb one, then it's probably you. This is thus an excellent study group for you.
In exam-mad Japan, study groups have complicated rituals.
Tip #4: Not Kidding Anyone It's time to just admit that you're hosed. There is no chance at all that you'll be able to pull this off, and if we're being honest, you'd probably be better off smacking yourself in the crotch with a hammer labeled "Self-Deception" then you would be by studying. With that taken as fact, the smartest thing you could do right now is just give up and stop wasting your time. Congratulations on making a very grown up decision.
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Tip #5: The Shame But having come to that very mature decision, you can just picture your dad. And he's not one of the "I'm just disappointed in you" types. FATHER: -angry- You spent twenty eight thousand dollars to jerk off and play video games? Don't answer me. I don't want to know the truth. I doubt it's better. In fact I think I'm actually being pretty charitable describing your life. Yeah, you honestly can't live through several decades of that. So maybe it's time to buck up and find an alternative solution. Study-Ho!
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