It seems Angelina Jolie may have been snacking a little too long on the sweet, sweet man candy that is Brad Pitt. She has diabetes
, or, as Wilfred Brimley would say, âDIABETUS.â
Before you start weeping and gnashing your teeth, you should know that itâs a special kind of Diabetes that only beautiful pregnant actresses can get, it isnât permanent, and it apparently makes her so glow so vivaciously that Brad Pitt must avert his gaze at all times.
Fortunately, doctors say miss Jolieâs affliction can be cured simply through diet and exercise. Judging from the fact that most pregnant women look like they had an allergic reaction to the shellfish section of the buffet and she looks like all it did was make her lips even
luscious and pouty, Iâd say the diet part is firmly in place.
As for exercise, Iâve been told my brand of laborious, six-hour lovemaking is one of the best full-body workouts you can get. And unlike some other Cracked bloggers
, I have few qualms about banging gorgeous celebrities (as long as we keep the lights off and donât talk).
Come to me, Angelina. The doctor is in
, and heâs prepared to work muscles you didnât even know you had, provided you have only a rudimentary understanding of human anatomy.
On the very off chance that Angelina Jolie DOESNâT want to sleep with me to cure her Diabetes, I think we should all put her in our nightly prayers, and trust that God will make her better.
Oh wait, I forgot: that ends up killing you and getting your siblings taken away from your crackpot parents by the police, just like
this poor kid
. And letâs face it: with names like Shiloh, Maddox, and Pax, the Jolie-Pitt children arenât going to be welcome in many American homes.
I guess itâs down to us fucking, Angie. Man, Iâve never been so happy to find out there wasnât a God. But donât worry baby; Iâll make you see Him anyway.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael fucks the disease out of A-list actresses for pay as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
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