I'm not saying that the alien invaders will be fought off exclusively by religious nuts and SUV pilots. Lots of us will be able to resist mind control. But all the people who can't will combine with rumors that some of us have been aliens in human skin this whole time and then we're too busy arguing to fight anyone. I can settle an argument right away, though: The Alien Friendship Centers are
butthole pasteurization plants. LME Stage Personal Trait Needed: Lasers
By this point, most human survivors are hiding underground or reconsidering their opinion on extra-terrestrials from the whirling tip of a Cosmoprobe. But by this point, you also have a nice supply of phaser guns you took off dead aliens. And an American with a space ray is exactly like an American sent through time, an American raised in the jungle or an American ninja: invincible.
In the year 2000, four horsemen will deliver untold terrors upon us! Odin and Fenrir will start a terrible battle that envelops all of Midgard! Spacelord Xenu will radically restructure our small business financial management methods! Over 90 percent of the planet believes that events like these are predetermined, which is about double the number of people who believe we landed on the Moon, and that's probably true since we taped it. By my calculations, that means a Biblical apocalypse has a double-than-probably chance of happening. Most calculators don't even have a number for something that certain.
The Day After Stage Personal Trait Needed: Education
Once the sky rips open, you're only going to have seconds to figure out which religion was right. Your family members will start turning into mermaids and goats, and good luck Googling what any of it means. If you go into this blind, you won't know whether to strip nude and arch your back for the Heavens or take up a broadsword against the frost giants, and a wrong decision either way could really cost you. On a side note: If you get lucky, don't spoil the moment with smugness. It'll be obvious to everyone that you picked the right one, so there's no need to rub it in.
LME Stage Personal Trait Needed: Balls
OK, so you got Left Behind with Kirk Cameron in a realm forsaken by its Gods. You probably need to get a Mark of the Beast to buy and sell goods, unmitigated truth sears your Earthly flesh and every song is metalcore. Now, the good news: Your only job and hobby is Final Battle. Most theologists agree that when the world goes out, it goes out big. And that's what you need to do. Decorate yourself in warpaint and doll heads and find a weapon too rad to be effective. A chainsaw on a rope, a bag of infectious tumors, maybe consider replacing your hands with beehives--basically you need to die so hard that when you get to Hades they already have a statue of you.
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