LME Stage Personal Trait Needed: Close-Quarters-Combat
This is really the sweet spot of any apocalypse--you against a world of zombies. You shouldn't have to worry so much about food if you're out and mobile. Food will be everywhere since no one is alive to eat it. Practically every structure you come across will be the scene of a less successful Last-Man-on-Earth and stocked with their overly ambitious food supply. Don't worry about ammunition either. Even if you were lucky enough to get to the shooting range or the gun store before everyone else thought of it, you'll be out of bullets long before the zombies are out of zombies. Also, if anyone tells you they can stare down an army of undead and isolate headshot targets, keep asking them questions. I have a feeling they also have a 25-inch dick and they once crashed their motorcycle and swear-to-God flew 300 feet. While John Rambo up there is using his gun to call nearby swarms of walking dead, you'll want something more along the lines of a crowbar or a hatchet. They can destroy an undead skull, fit in one hand and are handy for other things like going through doors and barricades. Practical advice aside, you'll really want to make it your own. Get crazy with it. Without electricity or other humans, all you have to do is read the occasional book and kill the dead. Above all, don't stare at your belt and contemplate suicide like a masturbating celebrity. Build an elaborate trap or make a list of objects that you haven't killed zombies with yet. The best final thought you can have is, "That would have been so awesome if it had worked."
Robots control when our toilets flush, when our paper towels are dispensed and how graham crackers are made. Our toys have been smarter than us for years: my Tivo knew I'd like
, my spam filter knew I'd at least want the option of seeing barnyard fucking and my XBOX 360 outsmarts me all the time. Just now I was playing Just Cause 2
, shooting soldiers from a little thing called a parachute
that I was pulling along with a grappling hook.
Now against human enemies with emotions, their trigger fingers would be too busy reaching for the nearest high five to shoot at me. Well, robots have no emotions. One robot ignored my parachute's awesomeness and stoically calculated its trajectory to put a rocket-propelled grenade in our path. Now think about this: When that AI brain gets put in a real robot, it's going to be 3.7 times easier for it to hit me with a rocket when I have neither a parachute nor
a grappling hook. Which is why I always carry both. Try to beat that with your "logic," robots. The Day After Stage Personal Trait Needed: Fleeing
First-gen apocalypse robots are going to be pretty crappy and if you meet one in single combat you'll probably be able to subdue them and use their orifice ports for their original sex function. The real issue is that they control the world's nuclear arsenal, communication lines and electrical grid. It really only takes one self-aware Roomba scuffling across a few buttons to turn the world into half-exploded cavemen. So when the robots wake up, your best bet is to get as far away from population centers and appliances as possible. Don't be a bitch, though. Before you pinch it off and run, let that urinal flush sensor's first sentient thought be "SYSTEM ONLI--KICK DETECTED! DAMAGE!" In the early stage of the Robopocalypse, you're not going to have much to kill anyway. Most of your enemies are going to be software and incoming ballistic missiles. Plus, you can never really be certain whether or not the robots can control things like cars and soda machines, so to be safe, get on a bicycle and go camping. It'll hopefully be days before they finish building terminator robot assembly lines, and you'll be spending that time growing balls. Balls are our only advantage.