8

iPhone Panties

GMYLE

There's a better way to protect your phone's button and hole, and it's called a phone case.

7

Synthol

Auctua

6

Handspresso

Handpresso

Making a cup of espresso in a car hurtling down a highway at 70 miles per hour is the modern American entitlement/entertainment/convenience problem in a nutshell. "But ... this is for when the car is stopped," you protest, sipping your espresso from the Handspresso unbreakable cups sold alongside the Handspresso. I see you, and I raise you "maybe the cups wouldn't have to be unbreakable if you weren't planning on getting in a wreck with them."

5

An Enormous Dildo

SexFlesh

4

The Macho Man Rap Album

Big 3 Records

Obviously a commercial flop when released, Be A Man, the first and last rap album released by Macho Man Randy Savage, exists today as a cultural artifact of mass marketing and niche celebrity culture. You can hear the meeting that generated this album. "Kids love the rap," they said, "even though it's not really music. It's just yelling and it sounds like someone's hitting a trash can. But the kids love it."

Even though this is very generously 25 percent Macho Man at the most, if you don't count guest vocals, backup singers, backing tracks, and the fact that he's audibly reading lyrics from a piece of paper, the album is stiffened by the late Macho Man's growly flat affect. It's on YouTube, if you've got 45 minutes to burn and you won't get a muscle cramp from cringing.

Just in case you think all pro wrestling rap albums are destined for the cutout bin, the rap album released by John Cena in 2005, You Can't See Me, debuted at #15 on the Billboard chart. Not that it's good, but yes, it's arguably better than Macho Man's. RIP.

3

Tampon Flasks

Booze Tubes

2

Cereal Marshmallows

By The Cup

When you were a kid, you probably lucked into getting marshmallow cereal every once in a while, which no doubt prompted you to think, "I wish the whole bowl was the marshmallow part." Enter the 40-pound bulk bag of cereal marshmallows, untainted by even the smallest trace of residual cereal. You could dole them out over the years -- a sprinkle in your cereal here, a dozen in your coffee there -- but let's face it, if you're buying 40 pounds of marshmallows, you're gonna eat 'em out of the bag, and you're not going to stop until they're gone or you die.

You'll be glad to know there's a diet version of this, which is ... an eight-pound bag of cereal marshmallows.

1

Datamancer Sojourner

Datamancer

Most computer keyboards clock in at $20 or $30. Not the Datamancer Sojourner, a thousand-dollar handmade steampunk keyboard handcrafted from regular keyboard parts and a brass case. The typewriter keys, which are attached to the same clicky keyboard mechanisms regular keyboards use, let you, uh ... type ... more ... steampunky?

For those who need to spend even more on a keyboard, there is The Seafarer, which is ... the same thing as the Sojourner ... but it has a map engraved on it. For that price, it had better come with Keyboard Panties.

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