10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane

Fleshlight Freaks come from probably the most well-known company on this list, seeing as Fleshlight is to masturbation toys what Oreos are to sandwich cookies. Their horror-inspired freak toys started life as a one-off Halloween campaign a few years ago, but stuck around and became immensely popular, because of course they did. Based on popular movie monsters, they offer a chance to fuck the Bride of Frankenstein, a vampire (complete with bat-winged labia, naturally), a space robot thing, and a zombie.

Note that at least two of those things are technically corpses.

The newest addition to the line is the alien, a blue, triangular thing apparently based on the ThunderCat Smurfs from Avatar, despite the fact that in the movie their chosen method of fucking is ponytail rape.

Oh, and if for some reason you're not into stickin' it to latex reimaginations of murderous carcasses: the company offers female and male versions of each monster genitalia. You know, just in case you feel like owning a graphically decomposing zombie dick.

As we all know, nothing says "sexy time" like the friendly face of a clown, slowly approaching your nether regions accompanied by a buzzing sound.

No, wait. What I meant to say was "murder." Nothing screams "murder" like a clown about to go nuts on your fun parts.

Whoever made this fuckin' product must have taken a cue from all the cutesy dolphin and rabbit vibrators out there and gone for the nicest childhood image they could conjure. Unfortunately, they spent their childhood locked in a well, and their only memory from that time is that goddamn face, as it periodically hosed them with a giant squirting flower and whispered obscenities at them in the dark.

The clown vibrator is actually part of a series of cartoon-themed crotch ticklers, and somehow it isn't even the most unnerving one of them. That prize goes to the all-star baseball player:

Via Amazon

Note to aspiring sadists everywhere: it takes talent to make a sex toy with a "I could not care less about you" thousand-yard stare, but only a true master will then ask you to pleasure yourself with its hydrocephalus.

Waiting.

Still, should you happen to be the kind of person that buys creepy Meyer memorabilia such as Twilight underwear, you might as well go the whole nine yards and get one of these, if only to creep out Robert Pattinson. Dude's already so ashamed of his association with the movies, he's started to overcompensate by looking like Wolverine.

Jason Merritt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"This is my 'PLEASE FORGET WHAT I DID BETWEEN 2008 AND 2012' beard."

Not that it will help him much when it comes to sex toys ...

"Hey, Bob, you know that Badger character from the X-Men that everyone likes? With the sideburns and a Hugh Jackman? Design a sex toy after him, will you?"

"Uh ... you mean Wolverine? You want a dildo with his face, or what?"

"Nah, let's avoid lawsuits this time. Just focus on his most recognizable power and turn it into a butt plug or whatever."

"His most recognizable power is fist knifes."

"So maybe a fisting glove?"

"Wait, what?"

"Too obvious? Well, how about some knuckle-blade-themed fetish gear? Use a different amount of knives than the Badger has to throw people off."

"... Tell you what, I'll figure something out."

Man, that's actually kind of impressive. You almost find yourself thinking this might be a prop for a TV show, or maybe cosplay gear. And then you notice that the manufacturer specifically sells this thing as a sexy product, and that's that. Enjoy all the sexy role-playing with zero access to your fun parts, ladies!

Still, as sexy-time costumes go, this thing is child's play compared to ...

Here we stand at the point of the article where the inevitable anthropomorphic animals start creeping out of the woodwork. Did you think there wouldn't be any? There are plenty.

BDSM sometimes involves some pretty outrageous costumes. It kind of goes with the territory. Yet, somehow, the K9 Muzzle manages to go beyond the general gimp-masks-and-latex vibe of regular fetish gear and chases us screeching into Absurdville. For the rare reader who isn't into dressing the object of their affection as a Manowar dog and walking them around on a leash, it's probably hard to pinpoint the strangest aspect of this outfit. Is it the ears? The snout? The ball gag hidden behind the snout? Nope. It's those fucking paws. Still, maybe someone gets enjoyment out of this thing, and if so, that's fine by me. Wait, no, it's not. Trying to make dogs sexy is creepy. Ugh.

Hold on, I just noticed that costume is lacking a tail. I wonder if it's because there's no handy way to attach one.

Oh.

But of course.

So of course there are furry sex toys.

Better men than I am (or worse? It's always difficult to tell when the accomplishment in question is analyzing things people stick up their butts) have already revealed the existence of fake dragon dicks to the world, but I feel the subject bears revisiting due to the sheer volume of stuff these people are churning out. There are dozens of different, meticulously crafted dragon dicks on that site, all with their own specs and stories and specific dragons they're supposedly attached to. Each also comes with its own elaborate fan fiction, because come on, did you really expect anything else?

And, of course, dragon dicks are only a part of the equation. They have plenty of other fake furry genitalia, yes sir, they have. And if that's not your game, there's always the dragon tongue:

Via Bad Dragon

Pretty baaaaad, it turns out.

Via Ameblo

Oh, all right. If you really, really need more proof about the existence of this thing (and presumably a few viruses on your computer and a place on a watch-list or six), this indecipherable website has plenty. However, I'd strongly advise you to avoid clicking that link. There are things man is not meant to see, and sometimes Cthulhu ain't got shit on an anthropomorphic latex lamb.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist, freelance editor, and deeply sorry. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

For more from Pauli, check out 5 Boob-Related Products You Won't Believe Exist and 4 Reasons Porn Stars Are Nothing Like You Think.