Oh, and if for some reason you're not into stickin' it to latex reimaginations of murderous carcasses: the company offers female and male versions of each monster genitalia. You know, just in case you feel like owning a graphically decomposing zombie dick.

Note to aspiring sadists everywhere: it takes talent to make a sex toy with a "I could not care less about you" thousand-yard stare, but only a true master will then ask you to pleasure yourself with its hydrocephalus.

Twilight has thankfully been removed from its status as the ruler of hearts of people who don't know better, and the mind-boggling number of otherwise sane human beings who freaked out over the books and movies have grown up and quietly tossed all evidence of their Stephenie Meyer habit to the "FREE STUFF!" bin at the yard sale or, better yet, an incinerator.

Yet, somehow, the remains of the phenomenon linger. Remains such as the Vamp Dildo.

I'm not even going to link a picture of this thing. It's a rubber dong. You know what a rubber dong looks like, you've been on the Internet. That's not the point of the product, anyway. The point is that it's called the fucking Vamp Dildo, and also it sparkles. Remember that scene from the first Twilight film, the one that everyone who's not a vampire made fun of for years? It's like that, but this time with an actual dick instead of a metaphorical one.

Still, should you happen to be the kind of person that buys creepy Meyer memorabilia such as Twilight underwear, you might as well go the whole nine yards and get one of these, if only to creep out Robert Pattinson. Dude's already so ashamed of his association with the movies, he's started to overcompensate by looking like Wolverine.

Jason Merritt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

"This is my 'PLEASE FORGET WHAT I DID BETWEEN 2008 AND 2012' beard."

Not that it will help him much when it comes to sex toys ...

"Hey, Bob, you know that Badger character from the X-Men that everyone likes? With the sideburns and a Hugh Jackman? Design a sex toy after him, will you?"

"Uh ... you mean Wolverine? You want a dildo with his face, or what?"

"Nah, let's avoid lawsuits this time. Just focus on his most recognizable power and turn it into a butt plug or whatever."

"His most recognizable power is fist knifes."

"So maybe a fisting glove?"

"Wait, what?"

"Too obvious? Well, how about some knuckle-blade-themed fetish gear? Use a different amount of knives than the Badger has to throw people off."

"... Tell you what, I'll figure something out."

Here we stand at the point of the article where the inevitable anthropomorphic animals start creeping out of the woodwork. Did you think there wouldn't be any? There are plenty.

BDSM sometimes involves some pretty outrageous costumes. It kind of goes with the territory. Yet, somehow, the K9 Muzzle manages to go beyond the general gimp-masks-and-latex vibe of regular fetish gear and chases us screeching into Absurdville. For the rare reader who isn't into dressing the object of their affection as a Manowar dog and walking them around on a leash, it's probably hard to pinpoint the strangest aspect of this outfit. Is it the ears? The snout? The ball gag hidden behind the snout? Nope. It's those fucking paws. Still, maybe someone gets enjoyment out of this thing, and if so, that's fine by me. Wait, no, it's not. Trying to make dogs sexy is creepy. Ugh.

Hold on, I just noticed that costume is lacking a tail. I wonder if it's because there's no handy way to attach one.

Yep. That's a dragon dong, all right.

Look, it was bound to happen. Furries and their gazillion subcategories are among the most notorious fetishists to emerge online and break into the world. While the rest of the world has mentally written them off as lost causes, they have gleefully established their own cons, parties, costumes, and social circles, reveling in what to them is perfectly normal but to the rest of the universe is uggggh.

So of course there are furry sex toys.

Better men than I am (or worse? It's always difficult to tell when the accomplishment in question is analyzing things people stick up their butts) have already revealed the existence of fake dragon dicks to the world, but I feel the subject bears revisiting due to the sheer volume of stuff these people are churning out. There are dozens of different, meticulously crafted dragon dicks on that site, all with their own specs and stories and specific dragons they're supposedly attached to. Each also comes with its own elaborate fan fiction, because come on, did you really expect anything else?

And, of course, dragon dicks are only a part of the equation. They have plenty of other fake furry genitalia, yes sir, they have. And if that's not your game, there's always the dragon tongue:

Via Bad Dragon