8

In The Witcher 3, You Put On A Whole Stupid Play

Ah, the classic "We have to perform in a wacky play/opera" RPG sequence. I don't know why so many open world games seem to feature a section designed to derisively comment on how CRAZY performers are, but I feel like I've played through a half dozen different scenarios in which Muscles McWishfulfillment has to sigh his way through an interaction with an actor/musician/whatever. Even The Witcher 3, which does a pretty good job of hiding the fact that 50 percent of what you do doesn't matter in the long run, has a mission where you not only help come up with a play, but also deal with the ticket sales and the actors, before finally watching the goddamned thing.

What am I supposed to get out of this? I've already killed, like, 5,000 monsters, so my dick is definitely big enough without having to prove how much cooler I am than a stagehand. Also, what positive aspect of the game is this taking advantage of? This might fit if The Witcher 3 was a sitcom about Joey Witcher returning to his hometown to become a theater teacher, but not in a game where most of the enjoyment comes from slicing up bandits that I had previously set on fire.

7

Spider-Man's Drone Missions Are About As Much Fun As A Tutorial

At the risk of jail time or execution, every developer of a Spider-Man game must by law include a series of missions in which you either have to use your web-swinging abilities to race something or to reach a location/object in a limited time. These sequences can actually be pretty great, since 86 percent of the enjoyment you get from these games is in the web-swinging mechanics. Like in Ultimate Spider-Man, where you race the goddamn Human Torch, or Spider-Man 2, where they decided that the most touching line in the movie was "Pizza time!" and built an entire section around it, all to jaunty accordion music that sounds like God shitting in your brain.

The latest Spider-Man game should have taken this to a new level, as the web-swinging was all but perfected there. Instead, thanks to challenges from F-list villain Taskmaster, you get to chase around some drones. Never mind that you could be engaging with one of the best depictions of Doctor Octopus that the franchise has ever seen. You instead get to do tedious homework provided by the Marvel equivalent of the dude who walks around the mall asking people if they want to take a quick survey.

It's no accident that every game on this list ranges from good to great based on which review you're reading; that's the point. These are made by giant studios with giant budgets and long development times, and yet they just can't resist making the standard for side missions "Is it more fun for the player than doing absolutely nothing? Throw it in!"

Related: 6 Annoying Gaming Gimmicks (You Didn't Know Were Super Old)

6

Skyrim Provides A Boring, Slut-Shaming Mission

Many open world games that are set in worlds where instant communication doesn't exist feature a bunch of "telephone" quests in which you relay messages between people. You usually do this with the hope that, inevitably, one side will flip their shit and start shooting at you, but often it ends with you staring at the monitor and saying, "What am I doing with my life?"

5

The Worst Stealth Mission In Any Legend Of Zelda Game

If you've played more than two video games, you know the feeling of "Oh shit, is this a stealth mission? Fuuuuck." Tiptoeing around while you're crouched and unable to use any of your items feels like the game is punishing you for enjoying action. But because game developers can't possibly trust us to like what we like, these things get shoved into games all the time, even into ones like The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild.

In the mission "The Lost Pilgrimage," you try to remain hidden for what feels like days. But you're not hiding from an enemy. No, you're hiding from a little creature that's moving through a delightfully bland-looking environment that he nearly matches the color of, meaning that you'll probably lose him if he doesn't turn around and spot you -- which, in true shitty stealth mission fashion, instantly fails the quest. And don't get too close or move outside of the intended path, because you'll fail for that, too. And beware, because sometimes the little bastard will turn around and run straight at you, which also means instant failure and having to start the whole thing allllll over again.

Oh, and watch out for when he gets attacked by a wolf and calls for help, because IF YOU SAVE HIS LIFE FROM THE JAWS OF AN ANIMAL, you'll fail for that.

I realize I could have put any clumsily inserted stealth mission here, but it hurts so much more in a Zelda game built on exploration, creativity, and wacky characters. It's a game in which frustration shouldn't exist, because there's so much pure joy in exploring different approaches. Then you get to this part where if you deviate from the path by a single pixel, your punishment is having to do it again.

Related: The 5 Most Unbelievably Sexist Video Game Quests

4

Arkham Knight's Riddler Subplot Is The Definition Of Filler

In Batman: Arkham Knight, in order to fight the Riddler, you must solve his death trap puzzle. Wait, hold on, you also have to help Catwoman solve it too. Oh yeah, I forgot, there are also ten of them. Shit, sorry. One more thing: You also have to complete a bunch of Riddler racetracks in the Batmobile. Then you get to fight him. Sort of. He disappears halfway through the fight, telling you that you're not ready to face him until you've gone through Gotham and found every Riddler trophy, solved every Riddler puzzle, destroyed every breakable object, and saved every Bomb Rioter.

3

Pokemon's Repeated, Useless Contests

I'm sure you know the basics of your average Pokemon game. There are a bunch of critters sitting out in the grass, and you gotta catch 'em all and then train them into battle-hardened warrior beasts. It's a terrific formula and we're blessed to have this series in our lives, is what I'm trying to say. Sadly, though, this top-notch framework is often interrupted by Pokemon Contests, which seem to be less than pointless.

I mean, they might not be pointless, but the game never makes their meaning very clear. From what they explain, random audiences might vote on how cute your Pokemon is, or how cool it is, or how tough it is. Or they vote on how well it dances, or how awesome its costume is, or, bizarrely enough, how good it is at acting. Or they vote on how cool it looks when it's doing a move.

If this sounds like I'm just vomiting up a list of conditions, that's because I don't know why any of it is happening. There's no clear rewards system, and this is in a series that's FULL of clear and constantly reinforced rewards systems (win badges by beating gym leaders, obtain items after nabbing a certain number of Pokemon, so on and so forth). So if you ask me what the contest is, I'd say, "It's a circus-tent-looking building in town that you do your best to avoid."

Related: 6 Video Game Missions That Totally Insulted The Player

2

Grand Theft Auto V Thinks Its Yoga Sequence Is Hilarious

The open world genre has been around long enough that games now openly acknowledge when missions or minigames are bad. Borderlands 2 and The Witcher 3 both include missions in which characters or flavor text openly mention how trivial or frustrating an errand is -- a joke that boils down to "Can you believe you paid $60 to do this?"

1

Oblivion's Mages Guild Fetch Quest Is The Epitome Of Busywork

In Elder Scrolls: Oblivion, the Mages Guild is a big deal, as they collect and distribute magical knowledge throughout the world. So how do you join? Do you prove your magical acumen? Or do you show through triumphant combat and hard work that you're worthy of receiving training in magic? Nope. That would be too enjoyable, and would spoil the player.

Instead, you talk to a guy who asks you to talk to other guys in various cities. Then, when you talk to each of those guys, you perform light fetch quests for them, like finding a ring, buying back a dude's staff, or pulling a prank. And it's only after you do this seven times that you get the blessing to go back to the first guy and finally join the Guild.

This mission earns this spot on the list because it represents open world games at their worst. It eliminates skill, strategy, and creativity in favor of "Go here, now go here, now go here." It stretches out the play time with traveling from Point A's to Point B's over and over, all to unlock the possibility of doing something fun in the future. It's as if designers will never figure out that the last thing you want to be doing in a game about slaying monsters is walk four miles to pick up someone's drycleaning.

Daniel Dockery has a Twitter where he retweets Pokemon fan art and makes broad declarations about Batman Returns.

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