Oh, hey, look at that -- Paris Hilton on a list of the worst bands ever. Way to go after the high hanging fruit, readers of Ranker.com. Not since the citizens of Egypt rose up in opposition to their own government have I seen a group of people collectively take such a bold stance.

That said, I'm happy to see her name on the list, because I always kind of secretly liked that one single she released a few years ago, and I relish every opportunity I have to give it a listen.

That's the one! It sort of sounds like "The Tide Is High" by Blondie.

Did I just compare the music of Paris Hilton to the music of Blondie? Sure I did. Please express your outrage in the comment section and then refresh the page constantly in anticipation of my witty retort. It's good for business.

Speaking of picks that will make people angry, when the Phish fan base finally wakes up sometime around 3 o'clock this afternoon and sees their favorite jam band on this list, I expect there will be a healthy amount of outrage. If it makes any of you feel better, unlike most of the other bands present here, Phish didn't show up on a list compiled by the general public, but instead on this hipsterific LA Weekly list, which also includes absurd picks like the Raconteurs and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

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"We'd like to talk to you about our lord and savior, the state of California."

OK, fine, I guess I can get behind the RHCP pick as well, but you'll never convince me that the band responsible for this song deserves to be on the list:

What I'm saying is, I understand your outrage, Phish fans, because when I look at these lists, sometimes I feel it, too. Of course, my outrage is justified and yours is LSD-induced absurdity, but I still get it.

In the name of making sure your Phish fandom is properly represented here, rather than listening to any actual Phish songs myself, I put this pick in the hands of Internet search results, just as I did with the entire list. What I found is that apparently Phish fans really like this song:

Unfortunately, seeing as how the video is nearly 14 minutes long, most of us (myself included) will never know if "Stash" is actually worth listening to or not. Don't bore us; get to the chorus, Phish.

The person who picked this song praised it for "how it's not computerized or anything," which makes me wonder just how fucking robotic the rest of this group's catalog must be, because "Into the New World" sounds like it was built around someone pressing the "pop" button on a 1980s Casio keyboard.

Nevertheless, I'm sure it would still make the cut as my favorite Girls' Generation song just on the strength of the broken English ...

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Adorable.

... and horror movie creepiness ...

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Run.

... that happens within the first 30 seconds of the otherwise standard music video.

Ha! Because "die young" is what we all hope Ke$ha will do, am I right?

No, that's not right. In fact, it's a horrible thing to say, not to mention the most obvious joke imaginable. I'm better than that; you should be as well.

Anyway, you know what's wrong with Ke$ha? Nothing. You can't really hassle her about just being a pretty face who sings over music produced and written by other people. For one thing, she plays an assault-rifle-shaped guitar on stage, which isn't something you see from the Nicki Minajs of the world or whatever.

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I can't tell if this is a costume or not.

So that's pretty neat. Beyond that, not only does she write a lot of her own songs, she writes them for other people as well, like this Britney Spears single from a few years ago.

I bet I changed so many minds about Ke$ha just now. Or maybe not. How about this?

That's a collaboration between Ke$ha and the Flaming Lips, and that's exactly what it sounds like. Does her recording with an indie rock icon like Wayne Coyne during a studio session that resulted in Twitter pictures like this ...

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Ke$ha? On drugs? No way.

... somehow make you feel better about Ke$ha's talent as a musician? If so, get a life -- that song is terrible. You should trust me more. This is Ke$ha's best song:

That's mostly because it's the first Ke$ha song that came to mind when I put some thought into it. That's all the argument I need, really.

That's Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora playing an acoustic version of "Livin' on a Prayer" at the MTV Video Music Awards back in the day. I choose it for one reason -- there are only two people on stage in that video, and "the less Bon Jovi the better" is a rule I abide by with the fervor of a religious person.

Sure, that sounds like it's probably the best Spin Doctors song ever.

Anyway, back to Hootie & the Blowfish, another band that, at the end of the day, probably isn't nearly as terrible as their constant placement on "worst band of all time" lists would indicate. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have a "favorite" Hootie & the Blowfish song, but while the singles from Cracked Rear View and Fairweather Johnson get all the retro attention, it was their cover of a song called "I Go Blind" by obscure Canadian band 54-40 that I'll always remember fondly as "that one Hootie & the Blowfish song I kind of liked."

It was only released on the Friends soundtrack, because of course it was.

If you're a devoted Black Eyed Peas hater who's hearing that for the first time, you probably made note of how little it sucks. If you didn't, you either hate them for the wrong reasons ("What's with those outfits??!?!") or don't love "real" music as much as you claim.

Either way, who fucking cares, right? We're talking about hating the Black Eyed Peas. At the end of the day, just so long as you do hate them for something, you're doing your part.

I hate that song so much that I would hold it face down in a bathtub until it drowns if I could. Did you hear all the mechanical screaming? Does every crunkcore band have a dude that plays various synth-altered versions of Lil Jon screaming "Yeaahhhh!" instead of a guitar player? Because this one seems to have that, and I don't like it one bit. It must be these kinds of shenanigans that landed this barely known band on no less than two separate "worst band ever" lists.

That said, the video has 8 million views, so it must be the best of the bunch, right? Here's hoping the answer is yes, because I'm afraid I've listened to all of the BrokeNCYDE that I can stomach at this point.