9

The John May 'er

This one has very little to do with fading pop star/emerging blues man John Mayer. You don't have sex while telling your partner her body is a wonderland or anything like that. No, this sex act needs to be taken a lot more literally. It involves teasing your girl with sex in a public toilet, or "john." The John "May 'er," if you will.

Buda Mendes/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"I don't get it."

Pick a stall, get the juices flowing, maybe even take out a condom, but then wait. Wait until she pants "Are we gonna have sex?" Then raise one haughty eyebrow and reply, "We may ..." What's the fun in that, you ask? I'm not sure, but then again I don't know why anyone listens to "Your Body Is a Wonderland" either.

8

The Christina Aguilera

The proper name for any sex act that requires a full body condom and a time machine.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Get

7

The Adam Levine

Although this is not a masturbatory act, only one person in the world enjoys "Adam Levine" sex: Adam Levine.

Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Isn't that enough?"

6

John Boehner

Oh, come on. That's just too easy. I bet you thought I'd do something like "poppin' a John Boehner" to describe the House majority leader who became one of the faces for the GOP's horribly orchestrated government shutdown. Well, I'm not going to turn Boehner's name into some cheap sex joke, mostly because the mere mention of him instantly desiccates all sexual orifices within a 40-mile radius.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Go ahead. Break my heart. I can afford lots of private health insurance."

5

Get Your Zac EFF On!

All the 20-somethings love to get their Zac EFF on, if you know what I mean. (Eff? Y'know, like "F"? Like short for that "F" word? Yeah, getting that on.) "But how?" you ask. You've gotten your "F" on, but how do you get your Zac EFF on? Good question.

Getting your Zac EFF on is just like all the sex you normally have, except you do it to terrible music and only take time out from singing to bump lines of coke.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty
"Not cool, man."

4

Gettin' the Ol' Tim Cook

For those of you who don't know, Tim Cook is Apple's new CEO, having replaced Steve Jobs (who succumbed to nature's built-in obsolescence last year). Tim Cook, I'm sure, is a fine, accomplished man, but if you're "gettin' the ol' Tim Cook," you're mostly likely having sex with someone who's thinking of someone else and sleeping with you in a failed attempt to ease the loss of their one true love.

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Tim Cook 2.0 coming next month.

3

The Christina Hendricks

When I was trying to come up with what this act could possibly be, I realized that somewhere there must be a large-breasted dominatrix in a red wig who goes by the handle "Christina Bend-Dicks."

Lawrence Lucier/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Let's pretend I have red hair for the sake of this joke. Thanks."

2

Martin "Score"-Says-He

This one's named after the famed director of Raging Bull, Goodfellas, and Gangs of New York and is really popular with both lovers of great cinema and stupid d-bags in wifebeater T-shirts who like to repeat Joe Pesci dialogue when they're drunk in bars.

This move starts with stark, gritty foreplay, unflinchingly arousing the basest instincts of your partner with a fearless, almost violent intensity. As the act progresses, add increasing amounts of style and grace to your lovemaking. The juxtaposition of the gritty realism (of your boning) coupled with nuanced artistry (of your boning) will take your partner to the heights of orgasmic delight. Afterward, hang around for another 10 years engaging in artsy mutual masturbation with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Didier Baverel/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Hey!"

Oh, right. Also, when it's over, say "score" so this terrible pun works.

1

Benedict in the Cumberbatch

You might know Benedict Cumberbatch from the BBC's wonderful Sherlock or as young Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness or as Julian Assange in The Fifth Estate. He is a very talented actor with a very silly name. Also, he looks like a cricket.

marinavictoria.deviantart.com
"Indeed."

But apparently there is no shortage of ladies into cricket humping, because women love them some Cumberbatch. This Brit is serving up veritable batches of ... oh God, what's become of me? I have an honors degree in English. You know that, right? Just yesterday I was writing a thesis that argued that Hemingway's posthumously published A Moveable Feast was actually written a good 30 years earlier and now I'm literally making dick jokes about some actor's name. This is so depressing. Don't look at me.

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