Every time you bite into a hot dog, you can rest assured that only 20 percent of it is pulped ape diaper. That's because every few years, certified food inspectors visit factories and make sure there are no human-like screams coming from the meat vats. We don't have those kinds of safeties in place when it comes to romantic advice. Dating tips can be up to 100 percent rat parts, and you don't need a license to distribute them. You can be a woman in a saddle, a strange voice coming from under a chemical toilet, or in this case: Fox News.
Fox News provides one public service -- they say crazy, stupid things to get the gullible elderly angry enough to cling to life. They are good at this job. Before Fox News told our grandparents that everyone was a communist, our elderly had to build rage by hating rhythm guitar and Orientals. Well, now FoxNews.com has published an article dumb enough to outrage every generation: "10 Pranks That Will Spice Up Your Relationship."
It was written by their style editor and nitwit Amber Milt, whose previous online credits include a clumsy listing of seven overexposed break-ups she vaguely remembers ("Jonny Depp and 6 Other Shocking Celebrity Splits") and eight sentences partially describing 10 publicity photos of Prince William ("10 Reasons Why Prince William Really IS Prince Charming"). I guess my point is the same one I've made many times before: check out this goddamn moron.
Well, if his email isn't working, I guess he'll have to text you to say you have the sense of humor of crib death. Ladies, if this is the kind of thing you do to your husband, here's how you really get his goat. Continue your pranking, only with as many pens as you can hold in your colon. It will add a sexy secret to your mischief! Next, replace all his live ammunition with blanks. When he finally wakes up one night and stares blankly at you for an hour before putting a gun in his mouth, he will be hilariously not dead! And that's not even the best part. The best part will be his face when you explain that he wrote that suicide note with a butt pen. Gotcha.
I have bad news for all you romantic pranksters: If this worked and your boyfriend was tied up for hours at the hardware store looking for a "cement humidifier," either he's gay or he was using that time to laugh at you with the other woman he was inside.
This one is so miserable that everyone who looks at it will hate it for different reasons. That's why I've written its joke in multiple choice form.
A: I actually use this prank on women all the time. Not to be funny -- it isn't. I do it because binding a woman's feet is how I get in good with her Asian parents.
B: If you really want to impress him, you dingbat, write "YOU THREW THIS" on the bottom of the shoe and show it to him after it deflects off your breast implant. He'll call you a witch and mean it!
C: I'm not saying that Fox News is for idiots, but their style and beauty editor felt the need to explain to her readers that messages written on tissues inside shoes will be visible only after they've been removed. Similar to how scientists won't know what's wrong with her fucking brain until after they cut open the insects that ate it.
D: Amber Milt stole this prank from her gynecologist. He didn't mean for it to be funny; he was only stuffing her full of paper to hide documents where no one would look.
If I wanted to argue that this woman was an objectively terrible writer and person, I could. I could say that Amber Milt has less creativity than the third participant of a gang rape, and that'd be fair. However, despite all her shortcomings, she somehow picked the most brilliantly elegant words to describe what it must be like dating her: "He will be expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!" It's so much better than the description of Amber I would have written: "He'll be expecting a human of average intelligence and watch his dipshit date get her head trapped in a plastic bag trying to read the warning label instead! Soon afterward, he'll find that his genitals have rotted off in the shape of her true form, that of a giant SLOR!"
"So to be clear, beast -- you installed a secret security camera to watch me shit. And now you're ... you're laughing at me? My first instinct is to savagely kill you and hope the police understand, but now that I know you're into it -- let's call your sister so I can pee on the two of you. Oh, wow. It's just that I've been waiting so long for the right time to suggest that."
I'm not a psychologist, but why would you sit alone, desperately hoping for your husband to return with stories of secondhand hugs? Does your town not have bridges high enough to jump from or something?
The thesis of this woman's article was that she wanted to help readers cultivate a more exciting love life. She did this by suggesting that you laugh at your boyfriend while he takes a crap, give him tainted water and fill his shoes with garbage. Now he's wallowing on the ground, scratching for a quarter? I think Amber Milt might have the word "dating" confused with "homeless."
Say for a minute this outrageous prank works -- you're perched in place for hours, maybe days, to catch your boyfriend during those perfect two seconds where he sees a quarter, bends down to pick it up and realizes the wearisome dustbag grinning at him has glued it to the floor. He might even pretend to chuckle, since faking happiness is faster than fixing you, you humorless cow. But what then? After that half-hearted laugh, you now have a boyfriend who hates you more and a quarter stuck to the floor. Do you retile the entire kitchen in coin or just leave the one quarter there? I think you're really lowering the value of your home, especially since Realtors have to disclose it when a property's previous owner was a stupid bitch.
Maybe you should let your boyfriend pull this prank off, funny girl. If there's anyone who's figured out how punch a hole through unorificed fruit skin with a limp gummy shape, it's the men fucking you.
While I'm on the subject of Amber Milt's tragic shittiness, I Googled "poking a gummy worm into an apple." To me, the entire idea seemed to violate physics as we know them. I found this article: "7 Kid Pranks to Play on Random Victims." It has the exact same prank, and as you can imagine, the trick is to cut a hole in the apple first. That seems like a weird step to leave out from the woman who earlier gave us the tip on how it's easier to read objects when they exist in our field of vision.
Funny enough, the article that Amber also clearly Googled included other fun pranks like GLUING A COIN TO THE FLOOR, PUTTING TAPE OVER APPLIANCES TO RENDER THEM USELESS and DROPPING FOOD COLORING INTO DRINKS. So let me make this as clear as I can:
FoxNews.com's style and beauty editor Amber Milt found an article for children, stole it, and presented it to Fox News readers as erotic material.
This batfaced snatch thinks ethics are the pustules that form on her skin when blessed weapons strike her. Amber Milt is a leech attached to the swampiest armpit of our culture. She and Fox News are such a drain on society that when they're done murdering and eating their victims, the children they leave behind don't even bother becoming Batmen.
And let me guess -- when he kisses you, your mouth is full of bees, and that thread was actually from the ancient raiments from Titlacauan's flesh cloak? How has Amber Milt survived this long without a witch hunter imprisoning her inside a ring of salt and drowning her in a sack? Am I the only one worried that the Aztec god of bad comedy walks among us in human form and writes makeup tips for FoxNews.com? This monster can't even go to the dentist without someone asking her why there are Dora the Explorer underpants caught in her second row of teeth.
What an unspeakable pest. Every time Amber Milt menstruates, the world gets four gallons of dog blood more evil.
For more of his thoughts on bad comedy, see 6 Family Circus Cartoons Improved With Dick Jokes or 4 'Geek Humor' Books by Authors Who Understood Neither or 5 Comics from When Sexual Assault Was Considered Hilarious.