Last week Steven Slater, a flight attendant for JetBlue, the toilet bowl cleaner/discount airline, had a no good, very bad day. And where you or I might have such a day, but just shrug and roll with it and maybe drink a bit in the bathroom, Mr. Slater decided to quit his job, and did so in the most spectacular fashion he could conceive. Following a violent dispute with a passenger, he took hold of the public address system, announced his intention to quit, grabbed two beers from the beverage cart, then activated the emergency slide and slid out of the plane and into our hearts.
Also making the rounds this week was the story of some hot girl who supposedly quit her job by emailing everyone in her office a series of pictures of herself holding up a whiteboard with little messages slandering her boss on it. That one turned out to be a fake, which was perpetrated forÃÂ¢ÃÂ¦ a reason? Must have been for a reason. Something from the James Frey school of internet writing I guess. Because we all recall that turning out really well. Man, some days I just don't know about you Internet.
Anyways, because sticking it to the man is apparently the flavor of last week, it's about time for Cracked to leap for this bandwagon, miss it, get our clothes snagged on it somehow then get dragged behind it screaming for a short distance. We've assembled a list of basically fantastic ways for our readers to quit their jobs - customized to suit what our webstats tell us are the 10 most common occupations held by Cracked patrons.
How to quit your job as a Fireman
It's hot, sweaty work, the pay is only so-so, and damned if the job just didn't turn out to be what you imagined (well oiled men lounging shirtless around the firehall).
Method: Fireman Rampage
Starting fires would certainly get you out of a job in a hurry, but could perhaps be perceived as unethical. Screaming up to public spaces in a pumper truck and starting unprovoked 120psi wet t-shirt contests is safer, and unlikely to ever be considered unethical, unless this whole "women's rights" thing takes hold.
How to quit your job as a Weatherman
Because no matter how much effort you put into it, how many nights you lie awake thinking and fretting about it, the weather will never love you back.
Method: Unprovoked Editorializing
During the regular back and forth "banter" of the evening newscast start inserting very strong opinions and sentiments in completely unnecessary situations. Here's a few to give you an idea:
- "Well, I guess that's what they get for living in that neighborhood."
- "The best government is just one man who does everything the right way and doesn't have to answer to anyone. That's the world I want to live in. No more bullshit. Back to you Tom."
- "I've always said that Chinamen make excellent accountants, you know that Tom. Very intelligent, and with crafty little fingers for manipulating pencils and whatnot."
Advanced Method: Green Screen Gloryhole
Cut a 2" diameter hole in the fabric of the green screen, then during the next segment create the illusion of a towering erect penis threatening to bring showers over Indianapolis in the evening hours.
How to quit your job as a Delivery Person
Because you're just like Santa Claus, except you have to work throughout the year, and no-one gives you cookies, and if you display even the slightest interest in other people's children then your face is on the fucking news.
Method: Get Involved
Unwrap parcels, take pictures of yourself enjoying the object within, then rewrap everything, enclosing said pictures. Deliver as per normal, except with an enormous smile on your face. Smile with your eyes. This works particularly well with cheeses of the month or marital aids. Be creative when it comes to "enjoying" the product. Wearing a new golf shirt is enjoyable, sure, but so can running it back and forth between your legs in a flossing motion. I've heard.
How to quit your job as a Bus Driver
You know who rides the bus? Honest, hardworking folks, yes. But also everyone else. Have you seen everyone else? Just walking around with shit in their pants, taking the bus and loving every minute of it. That's 40% of the population, right there. Imagine dealing with that every day.
Method: Off The Rails
Begin inserting minor fluctuations into your route. A block here or there at first. Ask people where they're going and say you don't mind taking them to the door. Later, get on the PA and ask if anyone wants any Wendy's, then do that. Towards the end of the shift, pull over, stand up, face the crowd and announce, "Fuck everything folks. I am getting on the highway and driving this thing until it runs out of gas, then leaving it where it lay. WHO IS WITH ME? WHO REALLY WANTS TO LIVE?"
How to quit your job as a Nurse
Long, stress-filled days, surrounded by bodies that are wildly malfunctioning in sometimes explosive, always dripping ways. Yeah, could be time for a change.
Method: Coolest Nurse in the World
Begin by instituting a policy of "Double Morphine" rations between 5 and 6 every evening. Take over a corner of the cafeteria with some partitions, throw some soiled couches in there and begin liberally administering Bob Marley and medicinal marijuana. When delivering negative STD blood test results, ask people if they "like to party."
How to quit your job as a Fast Food Employee
Close your eyes, spin around in a circle a few times, stick your finger out randomly and open your eyes. Whatever you're pointing at is a good reason to quit your job.
Method: Shady Chicken Transactions
Conceal McNuggets on your person in a variety of different places - inside pocket, tucked into sock, front of pants. Wrap some of the McNuggets in little baggies or party balloons, but leave others bare.
Then while serving the customer, surreptitiously withdraw one and hand it to them. Then, give them a tight nod, and say "Take it. Now just walk away - walk away like it's nothing."
How to quit your job as a Software Developer
Because spending 60 hours a week around computers, and guys who work with computers, and guys who tell jokes about computers, is the saddest thing a healthy person can do to themselves.
Method: The Red Pill
Using a series of carefully crafted emails and private messages referring to their elite technical prowess, convince every one of your coworkers that they're in the Matrix. This may take some time, but will be surprisingly easy - people who work with computers all day desperately want to believe that these skills will make them awesome somewhere.
Then, once the entire office is primed to learn the dark truth about the real world, send a message inviting them all to a leather bar. While they're away - learning nothing about the real world, but perhaps some dark truths about themselves - rifle through their desks and coats and stuff, taking any loose bills or iPod's or whatever.
How to quit your job as a Pornographic Film Sound Editor
Because your high school reunion is coming up, and you want to be able to look people in the eyes. Also because you hate how everyone does that thing where they look at your hand for several seconds before shaking hands with you.
Method: Artistic Interpretation
On your final project, redub everything - every piece of dialog, every grunt, groan, and unf - from man or woman - with your own voice. Improve upon the dialog where appropriate:
You: Starr, did you notice how the modern world's perverted focus on consumption is in some ways echoed in the manner with which Jesse is consuming those three dudes in the back of this bus?
You (in a higher pitch voice): Ooohh
You: I've actually been contemplating the subject for some time, and am growing alarmed that this sick societal pressure to simply possess things, regardless of their actual psychic value, is at times so overwhelming - much in the same way I find your ass overwhelming.
-snap cut to close-up pornographic-action, with slide whistle sound effects-
How to quit your job as a Judge
Because after years in school and a lifetime of public service, you still have to sit here every day listening to morons arguing about low speed moped accidents and botched roofing jobs.
Method: Sweeps Week
Start treating your courtroom like it was televised and desperate for ratings. Begin screaming at people when angry, happy, and at all other times. Perch on top of the bench and flex while delivering your decisions. Declare opposite day, and make the plaintiffs and defendants argue the opposing side. Demand a closing freestyle rap from both parties after all evidence is presented. Install a gong.
How to quit your job as a Comedy Writer
CRACKED.COM MANAGEMENT MAKES US WRITE THESE ARTICLES IN MAKESHIFT CAGES FASHIONED OUT OF SCRAP LUMBER AND CHICKEN WIRE. I WRITE WHERE I POOP.
12 ANIMALS ARE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF EVERY CRACKED ARTICLE, REGARDLESS OF ARTICLE CONTENT.
CRACKED.COM DIVERTS PROFITS TO PURCHASE BLOOD DIAMONDS.
I AM THE FIFTH "CHRIS BUCHOLZ." THE FIRST FOUR WERE ALL KILLED WHEN THEY LOOKED CRACKED EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JACK O'BRIEN IN THE EYES.
CRACKED.COM AND ITS OWNERS, THE RAND CORPORATION, ARE PLOTTING TO BRING ABOUT A ONE-WORLD GOVERNMENT WITH THEMSELVES INSTALLED AS HEADS OF THE MINISTRY OF LAFFS.
THEY THINK I HAVE GIVEN UP, BUT I HAVE ONE WEAPON LEFT: MY POWERFUL DIGGING FINGERS. I HAVE DUG A FREEDOM TUNNEL AND NOW I SHALL ESCAPE WITH THE TRUTH AND ALL MY PRECIOUS JOKES. I NEVER GAVE YOU THE GOOD ONES YOU NECKSHITS - THOSE WERE ALL B-MATERIAL AT BEST. AHHHAHAAAHHAAHAAHAHHHAHHAHAHA!
Just what is it that makes funny people stop being funny for a living?
Being a household name doesn't exactly make someone a role model.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.