Method: Get Involved
Unwrap parcels, take pictures of yourself enjoying the object within, then rewrap everything, enclosing said pictures. Deliver as per normal, except with an enormous smile on your face. Smile with your eyes. This works particularly well with cheeses of the month or marital aids. Be creative when it comes to "enjoying" the product. Wearing a new golf shirt is enjoyable, sure, but so can running it back and forth between your legs in a flossing motion. I've heard.
How to quit your job as a Bus Driver
You know who rides the bus? Honest, hardworking folks, yes. But also everyone else. Have you seen everyone else? Just walking around with shit in their pants, taking the bus and loving every minute of it. That's 40% of the population, right there. Imagine dealing with that every day.
Method: Off The Rails
Begin inserting minor fluctuations into your route. A block here or there at first. Ask people where they're going and say you don't mind taking them to the door. Later, get on the PA and ask if anyone wants any Wendy's, then do that. Towards the end of the shift, pull over, stand up, face the crowd and announce, "Fuck everything folks. I am getting on the highway and driving this thing until it runs out of gas, then leaving it where it lay. WHO IS WITH ME? WHO REALLY WANTS TO LIVE?"
How to quit your job as a Nurse
Long, stress-filled days, surrounded by bodies that are wildly malfunctioning in sometimes explosive, always dripping ways. Yeah, could be time for a change.
Method: Coolest Nurse in the World
Begin by instituting a policy of "Double Morphine" rations between 5 and 6 every evening. Take over a corner of the cafeteria with some partitions, throw some soiled couches in there and begin liberally administering Bob Marley and medicinal marijuana. When delivering negative STD blood test results, ask people if they "like to party."
How to quit your job as a Fast Food Employee
Close your eyes, spin around in a circle a few times, stick your finger out randomly and open your eyes. Whatever you're pointing at is a good reason to quit your job.
Method: Shady Chicken Transactions
Conceal McNuggets on your person in a variety of different places - inside pocket, tucked into sock, front of pants. Wrap some of the McNuggets in little baggies or party balloons, but leave others bare.
Then while serving the customer, surreptitiously withdraw one and hand it to them. Then, give them a tight nod, and say "Take it. Now just walk away - walk away like it's nothing."
How to quit your job as a Software Developer
Because spending 60 hours a week around computers, and guys who work with computers, and guys who tell jokes about computers, is the saddest thing a healthy person can do to themselves.
Method: The Red Pill
Using a series of carefully crafted emails and private messages referring to their elite technical prowess, convince every one of your coworkers that they're in the Matrix. This may take some time, but will be surprisingly easy - people who work with computers all day desperately want to believe that these skills will make them awesome somewhere.
Then, once the entire office is primed to learn the dark truth about the real world, send a message inviting them all to a leather bar. While they're away - learning nothing about the real world, but perhaps some dark truths about themselves - rifle through their desks and coats and stuff, taking any loose bills or iPod's or whatever.
How to quit your job as a Pornographic Film Sound Editor
Because your high school reunion is coming up, and you want to be able to look people in the eyes. Also because you hate how everyone does that thing where they look at your hand for several seconds before shaking hands with you.
Method: Artistic Interpretation
On your final project, redub everything - every piece of dialog, every grunt, groan, and unf - from man or woman - with your own voice. Improve upon the dialog where appropriate:
You: Starr, did you notice how the modern world's perverted focus on consumption is in some ways echoed in the manner with which Jesse is consuming those three dudes in the back of this bus?
You (in a higher pitch voice): Ooohh
You: I've actually been contemplating the subject for some time, and am growing alarmed that this sick societal pressure to simply possess things, regardless of their actual psychic value, is at times so overwhelming - much in the same way I find your ass overwhelming.
-snap cut to close-up pornographic-action, with slide whistle sound effects-
How to quit your job as a Judge
Because after years in school and a lifetime of public service, you still have to sit here every day listening to morons arguing about low speed moped accidents and botched roofing jobs.
Method: Sweeps Week
Start treating your courtroom like it was televised and desperate for ratings. Begin screaming at people when angry, happy, and at all other times. Perch on top of the bench and flex while delivering your decisions. Declare opposite day, and make the plaintiffs and defendants argue the opposing side. Demand a closing freestyle rap from both parties after all evidence is presented. Install a gong.
How to quit your job as a Comedy Writer
CRACKED.COM MANAGEMENT MAKES US WRITE THESE ARTICLES IN MAKESHIFT CAGES FASHIONED OUT OF SCRAP LUMBER AND CHICKEN WIRE. I WRITE WHERE I POOP.
12 ANIMALS ARE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF EVERY CRACKED ARTICLE, REGARDLESS OF ARTICLE CONTENT.
CRACKED.COM DIVERTS PROFITS TO PURCHASE BLOOD DIAMONDS.
I AM THE FIFTH "CHRIS BUCHOLZ." THE FIRST FOUR WERE ALL KILLED WHEN THEY LOOKED CRACKED EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JACK O'BRIEN IN THE EYES.
CRACKED.COM AND ITS OWNERS, THE RAND CORPORATION, ARE PLOTTING TO BRING ABOUT A ONE-WORLD GOVERNMENT WITH THEMSELVES INSTALLED AS HEADS OF THE MINISTRY OF LAFFS.
THEY THINK I HAVE GIVEN UP, BUT I HAVE ONE WEAPON LEFT: MY POWERFUL DIGGING FINGERS. I HAVE DUG A FREEDOM TUNNEL AND NOW I SHALL ESCAPE WITH THE TRUTH AND ALL MY PRECIOUS JOKES. I NEVER GAVE YOU THE GOOD ONES YOU NECKSHITS - THOSE WERE ALL B-MATERIAL AT BEST. AHHHAHAAAHHAAHAAHAHHHAHHAHAHA!
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