How to quit your job as a Weatherman
Because no matter how much effort you put into it, how many nights you lie awake thinking and fretting about it, the weather will never love you back.
Method: Unprovoked Editorializing
During the regular back and forth "banter" of the evening newscast start inserting very strong opinions and sentiments in completely unnecessary situations. Here's a few to give you an idea:
- "Well, I guess that's what they get for living in that neighborhood."
- "The best government is just one man who does everything the right way and doesn't have to answer to anyone. That's the world I want to live in. No more bullshit. Back to you Tom."
- "I've always said that Chinamen make excellent accountants, you know that Tom. Very intelligent, and with crafty little fingers for manipulating pencils and whatnot."
Advanced Method: Green Screen Gloryhole
Cut a 2" diameter hole in the fabric of the green screen, then during the next segment create the illusion of a towering erect penis threatening to bring showers over Indianapolis in the evening hours.
How to quit your job as a Delivery Person
Because you're just like Santa Claus, except you have to work throughout the year, and no-one gives you cookies, and if you display even the slightest interest in other people's children then your face is on the f*****g news.
Method: Get Involved
Unwrap parcels, take pictures of yourself enjoying the object within, then rewrap everything, enclosing said pictures. Deliver as per normal, except with an enormous smile on your face. Smile with your eyes. This works particularly well with cheeses of the month or marital aids. Be creative when it comes to "enjoying" the product. Wearing a new golf shirt is enjoyable, sure, but so can running it back and forth between your legs in a flossing motion. I've heard.
How to quit your job as a Bus Driver