12 Jokes That Start Off Dumb But Wind Up Pretty Clever

12 Geechy Guy

“I was raised in a motor home. That was fun, when I was little. The older I got, the weirder it got. Like when I got my driver's license, it was pretty awkward. I'd be saying stuff like, ‘Hey Dad, Can I borrow the house? So, what time do you want the home home?’ 

One time, a guy rear-ended us, went through our back window, landed on our kitchen table, and kept going through the front windshield. Home wrecker. They got him for reckless driving, and breaking and entering and leaving the scene of an accident.”

11 Jonathan Gregory

“Chivalry is dead. Just the other day, I was holding the door for a girl, and she started freaking out crying. Maybe because I was holding the door shut… and she was inside her car… which was on fire.”

10 Demitri Martin

“I went on vacation and I went snorkeling/surprise drinking a lot of water through a giant straw. The snorkel will either keep you alive or kill you way faster. It's a very height-sensitive lifeline right there.”

9 Heywood Banks

“The family's just such a mess these days. When I was a kid, there was no alcohol in my family, there was no marijuana in my family, there was no cocaine in my family UNLESS YOU CLEANED YOUR PLATE!”

8 Milton Jones

“I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me… Until I fell into a printing press.”

7 George Carlin

“We have flamethrowers, and what this indicates to me is that at some point some person said to himself, ‘Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there… But I'm way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them.’”

6 Dana Gould

“It’s easy to go though life putting people down because they’re different from you, but no matter who you are or where you’re from, we all enter the world the same way: When we’re born, we’re naked, covered in blood, and screaming in terror. And that sort of thing… doesn’t have to stop there if you know how to live right.”

5 Mitch Hedberg

“I’m sick of the ‘soup of the day’, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what ‘soup from now on’ is.”

4 Steve Martin

“I feel sorry for women I'll tell you why: Because so many men think they're into this kinky sex and I wouldn't have said that, but six months ago I met a girl and she was taking singing lessons. And her coach, an 84 year old guy, you’d think he'd be the last guy in the world to be weird but listen to this… He kept wanting her to sing from her diaphragm. I mean that would take years to learn that, wouldn’t it?”

3 Jerry Seinfeld

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. A pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

2 Kyle Kinane

“I'm 42 years old, and my name is Kyle. You know what that means? It means I'm on borrowed time. That's what that means. There's no such thing as an old Kyle. You're trying to think of one right now. Don't, you can't. There isn't any. Nobody went to Grandpa Kyle's for Christmas this year. Kyles die in their early twenties in free climbing accidents, the way God intended. That's how. Right now there's five different Kyles that are just piles of bones and Patagonia windbreakers, thawing out at the base of Half Dome, waiting for a hiker to find him. Yeah, when a Kyle dies, Red Bull sends flowers to the funeral. ‘All right, PK dog, I'm going to miss you! Shit, what was the cause of death?"

1 Anthony Jeselnik

“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”