We Just Fixed The Ending Of "Revenge of the Sith"

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Here’s a timely essay, kids. What if I fixed the end of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith and then, by extension, all of our love lives? Perfect. Let’s do it.

So, in general, the movie initially does an adequate job setting up why Anakin will eventually turn on the Jedi. The Jedi council is all mean to him, he has a secret wife he can only bang on the down low, and he dreams his wife will die—which he knows has a real chance to become true, because his mom also died in line with a previous dream/vision. Additionally, Palpatine tells him, “Hey, bro. The dark side has weird powers that might be able to save somebody’s life—just saying...”

That’s all fine. What is unfathomably stupid, however, is Anakin’s weird, immediate heel turn after killing Mace Windu what with the bowing and calling Palpatine master. Worse, that nonsense is followed by a wholesale massacre of children, sorry, younglings. That is in no way earned. Even worse, what is the point of having Anakin think he personally killed Padme? We’re supposed to believe he hates himself so much for maybe killing his wife that he decides to just murder every friend he’s ever had and also overthrow the government? Not really sure how those things are related in any substantive way. Also, how shitty is it that Padme just decides she has nothing to live for when she’s literally giving birth to two children? Are THEY not worth living for? It’s good she died, because she would have made for a terrible mom.

BUT. It’s okay. We can fix it. We can fix it all.

Firstly, Padme and Anakin’s sexy little tryst needed to be discovered by the Jedi. The entire trilogy hints at how forbidden and dangerous and statutory their love is, but the only person to ever really find out is Obi-Wan, and he doesn’t appear to care at all. He’s like, “Great. Whatever. She’s a babe.” That consequence-free dismissal basically negates their entire love arc.

Instead, Obi-Wan should have caught them mid- coitous (yes, my new version is rated R), turned them in to the council, and ultimately it leads Anakin thrown off the council and out of the Jedi order entirely. Now, suddenly, he has been actively “betrayed” by the Jedi, and he’s lost everything that matters to him—except Padme, who also loses her Senate position for hooking up with a Jedi. The stress of this causes her to fall ill, and it looks like she might die.

That’s when Palpatine swoops in and is like, “Look, I couldn’t say this before, but the Jedi suck ass. Not only are they total prudes, but they refuse to learn powers that could save your wife’s life. By contrast, I’m secretly a Sith—but it’s cool because you, and I want the same things.” Anakin should be immediately skeptical, and before he agrees to work with Palpatine to join their powers and make a magic potion or whatever BOOM! The door bursts open and Mace Windu arrests Palpatine, peaceably.

Anakin attempts to dissuade them from locking him away, but Palpatine is arrested and thrown in space jail. Anakin agonizes about what to do as Padme grows sicker but the hour. Eventually, a desperate Anakin breaks Palpatine out of jail in a thrilling set piece resulting in the deaths of several Jedi he once thought of as friends and mentors—completing his descent to the dark side.

Anakin and the newly-freed Palpatine rush to save Padme but it’s too late. She’s died. Palpatine assures Anakin if only they hadn’t been delayed by the sexless Jedi, Padme could have been saved. In fact, it’s this whole damn bureaucratic government and it’s outdated morals and processes that led to your wife’s death—let’s burn it down.

Oh, and secretly, before her death, Padme crapped out her children, and they were whisked away by Obi-Wan. Palpatine even mentions, “Hey, it's weird that we can't find Obi-Wan around here. Maybe he killed Padme?” Just to further cloud Anakin's already highly suspect judgement. Anakin yells no, and proceeds to wreck Rebel scum for the next couple decades.

Roll credits. BUH BUH BUH BUUUUUUUHHHHH BUUUUUHHHH BU BU BUH BUUUUHHHHHH BUUHHHH.

Notice something about Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith we missed? Shoot us your thoughts at movieclub@cracked.com for a chance to be featured in next week’s newsletter!

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