Around these parts, bad t-shirts are my domain. I've already peered over the edge of madness that is the official Kid Rock store. Next, I cranked things up even further to look at the awful world of tough guy shirts made by algorithmically driven machines, for algorithmically driven machines.
Now we're back, with the logical next step ways to show the world how terrible you are with a simple stroll to the dresser. These are some of the absolute worst couple/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife shirts I could find. You know the ones. Commonly matching sets, or even just one designed to be a stamp of ownership or declaration of "love" for the other to forcibly wear, these things are all over. My search algorithms are never going to recover from this quest I'm on, but I'll be goddamned if they can keep getting away with it. These are some of the worst there are.
You should see what it's like to be this hot married man when he's NOT wearing this shirt. He can hardly make it to the frozen pizza section of his grocery store when he's not equipped in this. Rabid single women just pulling at his cargo shorts. Running their hands through his greying goatee and ripping his current t-shirt (an XXXL Big Dogs T from 1997 that reads "DOGWATCH" and features a border collie with disturbingly prominent breasts) to fucking shreds just to touch this man they'd never know is already claimed because his clothing didn't say so.
6. He sucks absolute shit, as you can tell from everything I listed above, including that last one where I pretty explicitly lay out very real danger that I could be in just by knowing him.
7. I did not clarify which type of veteran he ways, but since we're putting it all out here on this shirt, he is a veteran of store security at Sears for over 5 years where he has killed 18 shoplifters.
8. Now that we are really into the shit here, I'll also tell you that MY HUSBAND has a micro penis and he is NOT afraid to use it.
9. My husband, just found this shirt. Hold up, I can't wait to see how much he loves it! Let me get back to you.
10. (see below shirt)
It became abundantly clear that your wife was an asshole the second she bought you this shirt. This is a pretty standard trademark on these, some setup where their wife/husband is awful and then it offers no redemptive punchline at the end. "My husband is a true piece of shit. Irrdeemable scum. Asshole deserves to be tried at The Hague like Pol Pot. So if you don't want to encounter a man that will throw live guinea pigs at you from his gunny sack while he stalks you through the dark night, WALK AWAY. But that's my guinea pig/gunny sack husband and I LOVE him."
Stupid boyfriend, right? But he does keep getting returned. By other women. In the morning. They kind of just drop him off outside of our place and then drive away. He is wearing what he wore to the bar. His hair is everywhere. Every time he gets returned to me, he is super nice for a while after and I get flowers pretty shortly following, too. I'm just so glad I bought these shirts because this really does seem to happen quite a lot.
"Freaking" is such a common thing on all of these bot shirts. In no world is "freaking" less offensive than "fucking." Someone who says "fucking" is just a functioning member of society. A person who goes out there and says "freaking" with regularity has literal skeletons in their closet. Yup, go over to someone's house who uses "freaking" on the regular, open their closet, and prepare to fight back an army of bony undead like Army of Darkness.
This one has it all. Everything detestable. Disregard for matters of public health. Matching couple apparel. Most terrible of all, adult love for Disneyworld. And when looking up these shirts, I found there is a major crossover between the people who wear matching couple shirts with those who also frequent Disneyworld.
You see, adults who frequent Disney are free to enjoy their hobbies but maybe should borrow a new book from the local library once in a while. But adults who frequent Disney in matching t-shirts? They are to be taken to the Epcot Center at night, where a million bees will teach them contrition.
This t-shirt pisses me off, because I once asked God for an angel. I wanted a real "heavenly host" angel because bugle music calms me down and my kitchen is possessed by a dark spirit. But God sent me a wife instead, and now I'm married to a total stranger and my blender is still shouting profanity.
That is cool, man. It really is. But I didn't even know you have a wife, I was just hoping I could scoot by you real quick to grab a lid for my coffee inside this 7/11. Here for the coffee lid, not to get killed over some imaginary lust for a woman I've never met before (but am 100 percent certain is whole hog on QAnon).
For me, this is the absolute worst. You have already signaled to the world that you have done worse than give up on life when you wear one of these. Yes, you've lit a match to the pile of dynamite the rest of society must all tiptoe across carefully together, as a team, trying to survive The Fellatio Ouroboros. (That's our couples name for you, don't ask us to explain it, we've suffered enough.)
This reads like what happens when your significant other asks you to say what you like about them when you really don't have much to say. These are the most basic traits anyone could have. "I have a wonderful husband. He has TWO legs. MOST teeth. He reads at a third-grade level and I've seen him carry in six bags of groceries at once. My husband is NOT like every other man. He is far, FAR more average than the everyman and his utter normalcy makes me FROTH, upstairs AND downstairs."
I swear this is real. You have to respect a t-shirt that ignores the law of kerning. It's really reflective of the soul who might wear one of these -- their lives are just a string of unspaced, unpunctuated sentences, banging thoughtlessly into everything they come across. Blasting through everyone, and everything at their own unsustainable pace. Just spewing out rapid-fire nonsense, consonants on consonants on consonants.
You would think that these shirts might get retired when your spouse dies, but hell no, baby! T-shirt love lives beyond the grave. Do you think that he has to wear his couple shirt up there for all of eternity? Jesus and the boys snickering as he goes rejected in the cool heaven orgy where there is no disease and pregnancy and just geysers of God-approved fluids, but nobody will touch him because he's got a shirt on with his still-living wife's face that says, "My wife will send ANYONE WHO TOUCHES ME to hell."
Walking that line must look a lot like a frat boy trying to keep a straight one during a DUI checkpoint. You don't walk that thin blue spousal line with grace. You're one of those idiots that tightropes across the Grand Canyon. Except you're doing it on a strip of dental floss, while two highway patrolmen shoot you with tasers and you're blinded by the sun reflecting off of their wayfarers.
And that's because my husband is actually an extremely large pigeon man. Please get me the fuck out of this relationship.
The king/queen construct is probably the most common when it comes to the matching couple shirts. I mostly just picked this one out because of how awful the shop job is and how this couple looks like a couple of European swingers who threw these on after a four-day coke binge in Croatia, waggling at genitals at every nearby cottage window. But they're back together, on their yacht, fighting off a cocaine hangover that has them considering jumping into the running propellers churning out back. King and queen for life!
You want to know the most cool guy move? Wearing a shirt that lets everyone know your cum still works.
The ellipses on hers makes me think we're not getting the full picture here. I like to think there is a third partner, perhaps the industrial colossus they are staring at wistfully.
These are all descriptors for the lion, though. It''s actually not about me. This shirt. My four words are on the back with a picture of a half a plate of nachos from Applebee's that I puked on. My words are cool, too, though. I am a: Premature Cummer, Bad Person, Alcoholic, Hero.
Top image: Teespring, Etsy